Archive
UoO Moaningful Confessions | Issue o6
Posted 9:31pm Thursday 28th March 2019 by Critic
Strap on your motherfuckin dildos because do we have a story for you. Back-track to Flo-week, my mate and I were ready to lower our standards and fuck anyone in a Patagonia shirt. Luckily for us, a group of our mates brought down a Patagonia poster boy for the week and you’ve never seen two Read more...
How to Be a Less Shit Cook | The Ultimate Toast Time Toasted Sandwich
Posted 9:21pm Thursday 28th March 2019 by Gordon Oliver
Toast time is a sacred ritual, a time-honoured tradition dedicated to wasting time while you pretend you’re looking at those CHEM191 notes. 150 years ago when Otago University was founded, the dark wizard Salazar Selwyn concocted the ULTIMATE toast time toasted sandwich. Fearing the power Read more...
Critic Booze Reviews | Fat Bird Sauvignon Blanc
Posted 9:18pm Thursday 28th March 2019 by Sinkpiss Plath
Whilst you fuckers are losing your shit over NZ Bird of the Year, the real bird of the year was here all along, tucked nimbly in the aisles of your common supermarket. Fat Bird Sauvignon Blanc is a weapon, an icon, a twinkle in your father’s eye. Do you have commitment issues? Are you a Read more...
Critic Blind Date | Steve and Shona
Posted 9:13pm Thursday 28th March 2019 by Critic
The hopeful lovers on the Critic Blind Date are provided with a meal and a bar tab, thanks to Mamacita. If you’re looking for love and want to give the Blind Date a go, email blinddate@critic.co.nz Steve Turning up to a restaurant which I didn't even know Read more...
Octopus “Honestly, a Fucking Sketchy Ass Animal,” Reveals Otago Marine-Bio Lecturer
Posted 9:04pm Thursday 28th March 2019 by The Critical Tribune
When Finn McGill burst the door open to the Tribune offices, soaked from head to toe, he stole the attention of the entire staff. What came next was a summary of the very true and terrifying story of the sketchy ass octopus that lives by the OUSA Aquatic Center, just off the Dunedin Read more...
Dunedin Scooter Kids Stoked Their Passion Has Found Mainstream Acceptance
Posted 9:02pm Thursday 28th March 2019 by The Critical Tribune
Critic caught up with a group of five ScooterN’SkateKids found loitering at the skatepark. They had 2 skateboards and 3 scooters between them as well as a packet of Marlborough reds. When asked if they would be moving towards the electric version of their hobbies they demurred. Frightened by Read more...
Tribune Editor Keeps Trying To Fire Chief Reporter, Fails
Posted 8:59pm Thursday 28th March 2019 by The Critical Tribune
The clash of two Tribune titans continues as Chazza O’Mazza continues to look for a loophole through which to fire Chief Reporter, Sinbad. According to a Tribune insider (me), Sinbad has been engaging in nefarious activities such as actually engaging with students for news sources, and Read more...
Peeing in Sinks Saves Enough Water to Grow an Almond
Posted 8:57pm Thursday 28th March 2019 by The Critical Tribune
Seriously, I did the math. 1 sink pee saves about 13.36 liters of water. 1 California almond requires about 12 liters of water to grow. That's 1.1 almonds per sink pee. Otago Uni has 8,565 male students. Assuming that A: lasses aren’t gonna do this whole sink-pee thing, and B: each guy Read more...
Horoscopes | Issue 05
Posted 11:46pm Thursday 21st March 2019 by Critic
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18 Be careful if Limeing this week. Your progesterone levels are critically low and you’re just so gumby right now. Mercury is in your money zone and that means it’s ok to ask your parents for a top up. There’s no reason to feel bad about it, everyone Read more...
Top 10 Ways to Look After Your Friends
Posted 10:09pm Thursday 21st March 2019 by Critic
1. Know their favourite food, where to get it and be able to get it ASAP, for if you sense they aren’t feeling all that happy. 2. Get to know their parents or a sibling, if possible. Even if you just meet them once. At uni, there is usually a divide between our friends and our family Read more...
Critic Blind Date | Romeo and Juliet
Posted 10:07pm Thursday 21st March 2019 by Critic
The hopeful lovers on the Critic Blind Date are provided with a meal and a bar tab, thanks to Mamacita. If you’re looking for love and want to give the Blind Date a go, email blinddate@critic.co.nz Romeo I was pretty excited, to tell the truth. Why? I’ve never Read more...
UoO Moaningful Confessions | Issue o5
Posted 10:04pm Thursday 21st March 2019 by Critic
I was going through a hoe phase at the start of last year, and I’m not ashamed of it. I was swiping up a storm on tinder, matching with cuties all day long. There was one particular boy that took my eye. I remember seeing him around a lot, and I was excited that I could finally talk to him. Read more...
Uber Eats Voucher Distributor Just Wants to See Family Again
Posted 9:33pm Thursday 14th March 2019 by The Critical Tribune
Felix Manducare, who has been ‘employed’ by Uber Eats to stand at the corner of Albany and Great King and give out vouchers to the disinterested tide of streaming passerby, has not eaten in the last 72 hours, has not slept in 86 hours, and is starting to develop severe carotid Read more...
Velvet Drapes “Not A Waste Of OUSA’s Money”
Posted 9:32pm Thursday 14th March 2019 by The Critical Tribune
Hames Jeath, OUSA President, has long since claimed that 2019 is the year of “doing things” for students. Previous years have always been very apprehensive about spending any of their students’ money, meaning that this year’s exec has been left with a respectable war chest. Read more...
Pressing Remote Button Harder Brings Batteries Back to Life, Says Stupid Flatmate Breaking Your Remote
Posted 9:31pm Thursday 14th March 2019 by The Critical Tribune
If this fails, Ryan’s future strategies are likely to include: taking the remote closer to the TV, taking the remote closer to the TV and pushing harder, taking the batteries out and switching them round, or in a worst case scenario, taking the batteries out and breathing on them for several Read more...
Broke Students Can Only Afford to Burn Half a Couch
Posted 9:30pm Thursday 14th March 2019 by The Critical Tribune
The party at the “Sik Lads” flat on Castle Street was already dying down at 1 a.m. when the Tribune arrived to review it. The crowd - once a sizable 150 people - had dwindled to only 30. Chazza, one of the hosts, said that when he heard a gaggle of second year girls calling their party Read more...
ODT Watch | Issue 04
Posted 8:06pm Thursday 14th March 2019 by R. RY, Bachelor of Arts
It’s another week of ODT Watch. You know what that means: This week the ODT perfectly captured my feelings about the ODT: Although the flourishing doesn’t seem to apply to their journalists’ bedrooms: Surely this could have been phrased Read more...
Top 10 Ways to Fall in Love With Your Flatmate
Posted 8:03pm Thursday 14th March 2019 by Critic
Your hands accidentally bump while doing the dishes one night. You laugh softly and flick a bubble of dishwashing liquid at them. At night, drifting off to sleep, your heart feels oddly clean and new, as if it, too, had been washed. Slowly, and then all at once. On Tinder you come across them Read more...
UoO Moaningful Confessions | Issue o4
Posted 6:34pm Thursday 14th March 2019 by Critic
OK so I'm not much of a writer but I have been thinking about this for a very long time and I reckon the Critic readers might get a wee buzz out of it so here goes. Last year I was in Unicol and me and my friend's friend Matt* were out on the piss after a party. We were at Macs when we met Read more...
How to Be a Less Shit Cook : Miso Aubergine on Pearl Couscous
Posted 6:31pm Thursday 14th March 2019 by Gordon Oliver
Of the five different tastes the tongue can detect, umami is perhaps the hardest to describe or define. It is often called the meat taste or the savoury taste, but this is kinda hard to pin down. The only concrete definition is that umami is the taste of glutamates, such as MSG. I guess in the end Read more...
C.S. Brewis and George Pourwell's Guide to Little Fat Lamb
Posted 6:26pm Thursday 14th March 2019 by George Pourwell
Little Fat Lamb are still pretty fresh on the scene of getting scarfies loose, having only been around for about 3 years, but they sure have made a name for themselves. Here’s a rundown on each flavour and what they say about you. The Holy Trinity Ginger: Ginger is your Read more...
Critic Blind Date | Coach Carr and Trang Pak
Posted 6:15pm Thursday 14th March 2019 by Critic
The hopeful lovers on the Critic Blind Date are provided with a meal and a bar tab, thanks to Mamacita. If you’re looking for love and want to give the Blind Date a go, email blinddate@critic.co.nz Coach Carr My first blind date. Where to begin, this was a first for me. Nerves Read more...
UoO Moaningful Confessions | One Sad Fluffer
Posted 10:13pm Thursday 7th March 2019 by Critic
Back in 2015 my rabbit, Mr Fluffy, died, and I was grief-ravaged. I know that sounds like a joke, but I was a fresher living away from home for the first time, neck-deep in the shit creek that is HSFY, hadn’t made any friends in my hall, and my childhood pet had died. To top it off I Read more...
10 Ways to Die on a Lime
Posted 9:54pm Thursday 7th March 2019 by Critic
1. Ride down Castle St. in the rain and skid on a puddle, falling head first into a bin of shattered Speight’s bottles. Cause of death: party foul 2. Take too many selfies while riding and crash into the Leith Cause of death: vanity 3. Ride Read more...
Lecturer Makes Snide Comment About Student Attendance, Not Realising He’s Died and Become a Ghost
Posted 9:47pm Thursday 7th March 2019 by The Critical Tribune
“Samuel Bronk?! I’ve never met this person. Are they even taking this paper?” said Classics lecturer Harold McHuckley, as he read out the roll of people supposed to be taking his 700-level paper CLAS767: The Foreskin in Classical Croatian Pottery. Unfortunately for Associate Read more...
ODT Watch | Issue 03
Posted 6:46pm Thursday 7th March 2019 by R. RY, Bachelor of Arts
Every week before I open, with trembling hands, the hallowed pages of the ODT I say to myself, “Don’t get your hopes up, Bazza. There’s no way they can come up with a better pun than they did last week. Even genius stoops to mediocrity now and then”. But every week I dare to Read more...
Currency
Posted 6:12pm Thursday 7th March 2019 by Bart English
If I had a dollar for every time someone Wanted my 2 cents, I’d be able to sell them for the price of a penny my thoughts. And once I’d have enough, I’d exchange all that spare change, sell that silver spoon I’ve been suckling on as Read more...
How to Be a Less Shit Cook | Tuesday Night n Day Deals
Posted 5:45pm Thursday 7th March 2019 by Gordon Oliver
One of the most important things to learn in martial arts is when not to use martial arts. The same applies to cooking. So this week I present: The Tuesday Night ‘n Day Deals Ranked From Best to Worst: 1. $2 Criss-Cross Chips For some reason potato Read more...
Critic Booze Reviews | Diesel
Posted 5:42pm Thursday 7th March 2019 by Sinkpiss Plath
Naming a beverage after a kind of petrol is a pretty questionable business decision. I get the vibe they were probably going for – “It’s like fuel, for your body!” but instead Diesel comes across as smelly and messy as its namesake. If I wanted body fuel I would go with an Up Read more...
Critic Blind Date | Issue 03
Posted 5:41pm Thursday 7th March 2019 by Critic
The hopeful lovers on the Critic Blind Date are provided with a meal and a bar tab, thanks to Mamacita. If you’re looking for love and want to give the Blind Date a go, email blinddate@critic.co.nz HER Okay so right off the bat if you’re here for a super juicy Read more...
“Let’s Go Out Tonight and Stand in the UBar Line!”
Posted 5:36pm Thursday 7th March 2019 by The Critical Tribune
“Oh my gosh, do you know what the best idea in the world is? Let’s go get drunk and yell about what a bad time we’re having while we wait for hours in the cold and rain to be let into UBar!” said Hamish Glunder to his assembled friends, who all nodded enthusiastically. Read more...
Local Adrenaline Junkie Lets Fingers Get Dangerously Close to Carrot Grater
Posted 5:33pm Thursday 7th March 2019 by The Critical Tribune
Her blood banged in her ears louder than a lecturer testing their microphone, sweat flooded her pores, her mind was alive with the electric-quick rush of danger. Another grate, pushing her right to the edge, that delicious line between life and death. This is what she lives for. This is the Read more...
Dunedin’s Entire Allocation of Lime Scooters Already Submerged in Leith River
Posted 5:32pm Thursday 7th March 2019 by The Critical Tribune
After the shock announcement that Lime scooters would return to Dunedin streets on Thursday morning, the Tribune arrived at the Leith in time to see two strange men standing outside a white Toyota Hiace with blacked out windows. One by one, they threw their cargo of Limes over the fence and into the Read more...
The Week the ODT Learned an Important Lesson About the Effectiveness of Coitus Interruptus
Posted 9:27pm Thursday 28th February 2019 by R. RY, Bachelor of Arts
Having barely got to grips with the internal combustion engine, perhaps it was a bit much to expect the ODT to seamlessly handle the transition into a more citrusy zeitgeist: Then again, I don’t read the ODT for their bleeding edge journalism. If I want Read more...
UoO Moaningful Confessions : Summer Spree
Posted 8:08pm Thursday 28th February 2019 by Critic
You could say I’m a bit tame. With no outrageously raunchy O-Week tales from first or second year and not a lot of action throughout either, you could consider me an underdog in the game of love. I’m an independent woman who don’t need no man, a busy gal and I have better things to Read more...
How To Be A Less Shit Cook : Fennel and Beetroot Salad
Posted 8:05pm Thursday 28th February 2019 by Gordon Oliver
It’s round one of flat cooking and you’re stepping up to the plate, literally. What are you gonna cook for your new flatmates? Your culinary reputation is at stake. How about some pasta with a tomato sauce? Congratulations, you’ve just made the culinary equivalent of a black and Read more...
Critic Booze Reviews : Rekorderlig Cider
Posted 8:02pm Thursday 28th February 2019 by Sinkpiss Plath
Ah. Rekorderlig cider. Shall I compare thee to a summer's day? Thou art more lovely and more temperate. Thou art like a juicy medieval farm girl with overflowing cleavage and a father who is away at war. She may not have basic hygiene, but the sweat and sweet juices of the day’s labours Read more...
Critic Blind Date | Jordan Peterson and Jacinda Ardern
Posted 8:01pm Thursday 28th February 2019 by Critic
The hopeful lovers on the Critic Blind Date are provided with a meal and a bar tab, thanks to Mamacita. If you’re looking for love and want to give the Blind Date a go, email blinddate@critic.co.nz Jordan Peterson I entered the crowded restaurant red faced, Read more...
Education Officer Does Not Value Own Education
Posted 7:57pm Thursday 28th February 2019 by The Scarfie Archivist
It’s three days into the semester and OUSA Education Officer Will Dreyer has already skipped a class. Dreyer ran on podcasting lectures, and was obviously confident that his policy was already in place. Little did he know that his 500 level paper consisting of 12 people did not, in Read more...
Student Unsure How Old University Is
Posted 7:56pm Thursday 28th February 2019 by The Critical Tribune
Dunedin student Jernice McManus was left in a veil of ignorance today after trying to remember how old the University of Otago is. “I feel like it’s been around for a while. Who knows, it might even be an anniversary or something. I wish I could go to an event celebrating the long and Read more...
Campus Christians Are Throwing Bees at You, Watch Out!
Posted 7:53pm Thursday 28th February 2019 by The Critical Tribune
Duck! Cover your face and arms with cloth! Jump in the nearest body of water and breath through a small reed! You just walked past the Campus Christians and they threw bees at you! Not just one bee, they threw a whole hive, a whole swarm, a whole species of bee! The bees are chasing you, zipping Read more...
Fresher Exerts Social Capital by Wearing High School Leavers Jersey Around the Hall
Posted 7:52pm Thursday 28th February 2019 by The Critical Tribune
“How else will people know what my nickname is?” questioned Jared, as he headed over to the dining hall. Paired nicely with a tattered super-pass wristband, Jared knew he was being the biggest skuxx in his Auckland Grammar leavers jersey. Much to Jared’s confusion, two Read more...
Top 10 Ways to Get in Your Lecturer’s Good Books
Posted 7:49pm Thursday 28th February 2019 by Critic
1. Argue with them at every opportunity to show that you are a critical thinker and have moxy. 2. Straight up have an affair with them. 3. Claim to be a relative of their immediate higher-up and demand respect for it. 4. Lurk after class and talk to them all the way back to their Read more...
UoO Moaningful Confessions: Issue 01
Posted 9:59pm Thursday 21st February 2019 by Critic
Had a sexual encounter that was unusual, scandalous, or spicy? Send in your moaningful confession to critic@critic.co.nz I went to Melbourne over the uni break, to get some chill sunny time and serious partying with my cousin Sarah*, because I worked my ass off last year, Read more...
How To Be A Less Shit Cook: Samosas
Posted 8:48pm Thursday 21st February 2019 by Gordon Oliver
Now that the pack of Mi Goreng you bought at the start of O-Week has run out it’s time to think about other meal options. Samosas are a surprisingly affordable option, using cheap ingredients and adding flavour with spices. They make a great dinner, lunch, snack, breakfast or anytime food. Read more...
Critic Blind Date: Here for O-Week, Here for an O
Posted 8:39pm Thursday 21st February 2019 by Critic
Here for O-Week I’m doing heath sci this year so I knew that this was going to be my only week off before I had to knuckle down. I also knew that this was probably the only week I had a real shot at getting laid. The castle street parties were cool but I didn’t know how to get from Read more...
Critic Booze Review: Bombay Sapphire
Posted 8:09pm Thursday 21st February 2019 by Sinkpiss Plath
When you think of racist old white people, you tend to think of gin. Bombay Sapphire is basically plucked out of Queen Victoria’s wet dream. Wes Anderson would fuck this and call it art. Gin and tonics were invented for a reason: gin is fucking terrible on its own. The first sip was Read more...
Rheineck Lager Is A Goddamn Scam
Posted 3:18pm Thursday 1st November 2018 by Swilliam Shakesbeer
Here's the thing about Rheineck: Every week I stroll past the beer section and see an enticing $14.99 for a 12 pack. ‘Gee, what a great deal’ I think to myself. I’m ashamed to admit the number of times I’ve picked up a box and taken it home, only to realise my Read more...
Famous Grouse Is Pure Fucking Gasoline
Posted 3:15pm Thursday 1st November 2018 by Swilliam Shakesbeer
Famous Grouse fucking hurts. It burns with the fury of a thousand young Nats after Winston went with the red team. It’s a vile liquid that could only come from the sort of country that takes pride in eating haggis, playing the bagpipes and throwing big fuck off logs as far as Read more...
Woodstock Is the Biggest Bitch Drink in New Zealand
Posted 11:30am Wednesday 10th October 2018 by Swilliam Shakesbeer
Woodstock a sickly sweet syrupy concoction with a harsh aftertaste that I swear can’t be real bourbon. There’s almost as much sugar in a 12 pack of Woodstock 5% as in four litres of Talleys Ice Cream. There’s more sugar per can in these than in Vodka Cruisers, meaning Woodstock Read more...
People Who Willingly Drink Bavaria 8.6 Are Psychopaths
Posted 11:19am Wednesday 10th October 2018 by Swilliam Shakesbeer
The Bavaria 8.6er is beer flavoured paint stripper in a convenient 440ml can. I'm 86% sure I once saw Bear Grylls use this to start a fire on Man vs Wild. The fiery lick of this "beer" hurts more than the idea of a left wing government hurts Mike Hoskings feelings. I’d rather Read more...
New Zealand Lager Is the Most Influential Beer in This Nation’s History
Posted 10:47pm Thursday 4th October 2018 by Swilliam Shakesbeer
New Zealand Lager is a triumph. Brewing in this country has a long and rocky history, with a lot of bad beers and a lot of good beers. But none has been greater than this delectable drop. Fun Fact: the country ‘New Zealand’ actually derives its name from New Zealand Lager, because it is Read more...
The Week the ODT Tried to Make Old People Feel Better About Dying
Posted 8:27pm Thursday 4th October 2018 by Charlie O’Mannin
Welcome to the last ODT Watch of the year. To start this week, apparently a local fish and chip shop has been amassing weapons of mass destruction. Tsk. You can never tell with some culinary establishments. One day they’re saying they love you and the next Read more...
All The Time We Scooped the ODT This Year
Posted 6:51pm Thursday 4th October 2018 by Charlie O’Mannin
Critic: 26 February – Re:Fuel Rebrands as Ubar ODT: 28 March - Business as usual for University Bar Critic: 5 March – University Cracks Down on Initiations ODT: 7 March – Students Excluded Over Urine and Booze-soaked Initiation Critic: 5 March Read more...
Lunchtime Quickie
Posted 6:32pm Thursday 4th October 2018 by The Scarfie Chef
Buckle in, because this is a gamechanger. I’m about to teach you how to make food that looks like store-bought mini-savouries but way, way cheaper for your broke ass. This recipe can be changed depending on what you have on hand, the only ingredients you absolutely need are eggs and Read more...
Love is Blind | JFK and Marilyn
Posted 4:37pm Thursday 4th October 2018 by Critic
The hopeful lovers on the Critic Blind Date are provided with a meal and a bar tab, thanks to Ombrellos and Cello. That's it for the year! If you want to give the Critic Blind Date a shot, we'll be accepting applications again from February 2019. JFK I Read more...
Dear Aunt Zo and Uncle Jim, what are the top ten pieces of advice, in the whole world?
Posted 3:03pm Thursday 4th October 2018 by Zoe Taptiklis
Ranked, in order: Always make sure a glass of wine is available Drive a large vehicle and then you can see more Fun and failure start the same way Advice is much harder to make up if you don’t have it pre-prepared The best way to keep your clothes white is by using warm wash, Read more...
The Week We Were Too Busy to Read the ODT
Posted 12:10am Friday 28th September 2018 by Charlie O’Mannin
This week ODT is a little bit different. In celebration of our ODT issue, and because we were too busy gossiping about OUSA to actually read the newspaper, ODT Watch presents our favourite excerpts from the last two years. To start there was that time that the ODT forgot what the word Read more...
Mr Sandler, Bring Me a Dream: Click
Posted 5:41pm Thursday 27th September 2018 by Henessey Griffiths
I’m not gonna lie, I’m getting a bit emotional. This is my last Adam Sandler review for the year, and what a journey we have been on. After 18 films, a discourse analysis on brand identity, and one terrible comedy album, I still question why I set myself up to do this. I Read more...
White Rhino is the Best New Drink of 2018
Posted 5:38pm Thursday 27th September 2018 by Swilliam Shakesbeer
White Rhino, just like white people, is absolutely all over North Dunedin these days. These tins, with the simplest graphic design imaginable, and an even simpler recipe, have taken the student quarter by storm. Nothing has got the people of North D this enraptured since, well, last week Read more...
Dear Aunt Kell and Mumma Zo, How Do You Make Bad Food Good Food?
Posted 5:37pm Thursday 27th September 2018 by Zoe Taptiklis-Haymes and Kelly Davenport
Tihei mauri ora, Bad food is food that you’ve left in the fridge after you cooked up an extravagant meal three months ago using useless ingredients like crème fraîche that you’ve only used a tablespoon of, which you haven’t touched since. Bad food is food Read more...
LET’S GET SOME FUCKIN FRENCH TOAST
Posted 5:17pm Thursday 27th September 2018 by The Scarfie Chef
French toast is the goods as a breakfast/lunch/snack/dinner/sex accessory, and let’s be honest – if you fry something in butter then drown it in maple syrup, then a) you’re probably American, and b) it’s gonna taste meeeean. Here’s a way to do French toast that is Read more...
Love is Blind | Jeff Goldblum and Ellie Sattler
Posted 5:14pm Thursday 27th September 2018 by Critic
The hopeful lovers on the Critic Blind Date are provided with a meal and a bar tab, thanks to Ombrellos and Cello. If you’re looking for love and want to give the Blind Date a go, email critic@critic.co.nz Jeff Goldblum With great penis comes great Read more...
The Week the ODT’s Opinion Section Really Outdid Itself
Posted 8:23pm Thursday 20th September 2018 by Charlie O’Mannin
To start this week, the ODT are reporting on a truly marvellous occurrence. Because of their bad behaviour, Santa normally just skips Balclutha, Milton, and Gore, stops briefly in Invercargill to give Tim Shadbolt his present, and then goes on to Stewart Island, Read more...
Mr Sandler, Bring Me a Dream | Grown Ups 2
Posted 6:44pm Thursday 20th September 2018 by Henessey Griffiths
We’re coming to the end of our time here reviewing Adam Sandler films, so I decided to save the best few till last. I’ve had a lot of requests for this particular film, as it is often noted to be one of the peaks of Sandler’s filmography. This film is 104 minutes of pure bliss. Read more...
Honey Badger Southern State Moonshine Is Genuinely Going To Kill Someone
Posted 6:40pm Thursday 20th September 2018 by Swilliam Shakesbeer
Honey Badger Southern State Moonshine is genuinely going to kill someone. I don’t know how, and I don’t know when, but someone’s gonna fucking die. It’s absurdly cheap, at $8.99 for a bottle with 6.9 standards – pretty much as good as you can get in the world of Read more...
Love is Blind | Campus and Watch
Posted 6:38pm Thursday 20th September 2018 by Critic
The hopeful lovers on the Critic Blind Date are provided with a meal and a bar tab, thanks to Ombrellos and Cello. If you’re looking for love and want to give the Blind Date a go, email critic@critic.co.nz Campus The bartender told me that if I fucked this up he Read more...
Dear Mumma Zo and Aunt Kell, How Do I Stop Procrastinating?
Posted 6:31pm Thursday 20th September 2018 by Zoe Taptiklis-Haymes and Kelly Davenport
Procrastination is spending time doing what you’d rather be doing. To make your procrastination more efficient, ensure you properly plan your procrastination (this is called procrasti-planning). Procrastination is inevitable so why not make it healthy? E.g. Procrasta-run, or if you Read more...
The Week the ODT Yet Again Chose to Give a Racist a Platform
Posted 4:03pm Friday 14th September 2018 by Charlie O’Mannin
If you’ve ever wondered how we manage to write ODT Watch, let the ODT itself explain, This week the ODT have tightened up on giving absolutely any clues as to an article’s contents in the headline. [insert joke here; I’ve given Read more...
How to Make the Strongest Edibles Possible
Posted 1:59pm Friday 14th September 2018 by The Scarfie Chef
Before actually making edibles, you have to decarboxylate, or ‘activate’ your weed by heating it; this transforms the non-psychoactive THC-A into psychoactive THC. When activating your weed you’ve got to be careful to heat it up enough so it properly activates, but also be careful Read more...
Mr Sandler, Bring Me a Dream | Bedtime Stories
Posted 1:57pm Friday 14th September 2018 by Henessey Griffiths
Adam Sandler every week makes Henessey a very angry girl. Adam Sandler every week makes Henessey a very angry girl. Adam Sandler every week makes Henessey a very angry girl. Adam Sandler every week makes Henessey a very angry girl. Adam Sandler every week makes Read more...
Even The People Who Make Ranfurly Draught Don't Like Ranfurly Draught
Posted 4:04pm Thursday 13th September 2018 by Swilliam Shakesbeer
Ranfurly Draught is an absolute nothing beer. It’s uninspired, lazy, and boring. It has no distinctive flavour or aroma. Even the people who make it don’t like it. It’s a New Zealand draught-style lager, which means it’s brown and has no hops. It’s one of a Read more...
Love is Blind | Kylie and Kyle
Posted 4:02pm Thursday 13th September 2018 by Critic
The hopeful lovers on the Critic Blind Date are provided with a meal and a bar tab, thanks to Ombrellos and Cello. If you’re looking for love and want to give the Blind Date a go, email critic@critic.co.nz Kylie As the designated third wheel for my sister and her Read more...
Dear Aunt Kell and Mama Zo, are drugs kosher, and what does kosher even mean?
Posted 4:00pm Thursday 13th September 2018 by Zoe Taptiklis-Haymes and Kelly Davenport
Well, we are so glad you asked. Kosher is a Hebrew word and it means “fit” for eating. Are drugs fit for eating? Maybe, if you really wanted to you could chew some ibuprofen but it probably tastes super yuck. Ultimately, kosher drugs is a question of drug administration, and pharmacists Read more...
The Week the ODT Were Very Mean to Invercargill
Posted 10:48pm Thursday 6th September 2018 by Charlie O’Mannin
This week the ODT are rating themselves rather highly. Both false. The ODT is both unusual and extraordinarily uninteresting. To be fair, perhaps we shouldn’t be too harsh on the ODT, after all, they’re not as young as they used to Read more...
Mr Sandler, Bring Me a Dream | Blended
Posted 9:49pm Thursday 6th September 2018 by Henessey Griffiths
Hey guys, remember me? That girl with the poor time management that decided it would be funny to review every single Adam Sandler film? Honestly, this column is wrecking me. Who would’ve thought watching three hours of mindless nonsense could truly crush someone’s soul like this? But Read more...
Lion Red Is New Zealand’s Most Generic Beer
Posted 9:46pm Thursday 6th September 2018 by Swilliam Shakesbeer
As a man of the South, I had never even seen Lion Red for sale before, so when I was supplied a box to taste test, my tribalism naturally wanted me to hate it. I was ready to yell about JAFAs and traffic and everything else that’s wrong with Auckland, like a good hillbilly should. But as I Read more...
Love is Blind | Laura and James
Posted 9:45pm Thursday 6th September 2018 by Critic
The hopeful lovers on the Critic Blind Date are provided with a meal and a bar tab, thanks to Ombrellos and Cello. If you’re looking for love and want to give the Blind Date a go, email critic@critic.co.nz Laura: I was three Smirnoffs down by the time I Read more...
Dear Mumma Zo and Aunt Dave, How Do I Talk to the Ghosts in My Flat?
Posted 9:40pm Thursday 6th September 2018 by Zoe Taptiklis
We’re reluctant to offer advice here, mostly because Mammy Zo still gets nightmares, and Aunt Dave still wets the bed from time to time - so talking about ghosts makes us SAD. Another reason is that no one really knows if they exist, and can you give advice on something that doesn’t Read more...
The Week the ODT Tried to Write Pornography
Posted 12:00am Friday 31st August 2018 by Charlie O’Mannin
To start this week the ODT is dropping shocking truth bombs. There goes everything I know. I always assumed that replicating authentic Asian cuisine and the mystical arts were one and the same, like a dumbass. I also enjoy that the ODT put ‘isn’t magic’ Read more...
Dear Aunt Kell and Mumma Zo, How Do I Get a Summer Job?
Posted 8:02pm Thursday 30th August 2018 by Zoe Taptiklis-Haymes and Kelly Davenport
There are two options: 1. Don’t 1.a. Don’t and go on the DOLE 2. Do Everyone wants a summer job so you have to apply for all of them. Before you apply for summer jobs you gotta figure out if you want to work the holiday days (Xmas and New Years) or if you want to Read more...
Pesto and Broccoli Pasta
Posted 7:51pm Thursday 30th August 2018 by The Scarfie Chef
Are you shit at cooking? Are you a piece of shit that hasn’t eaten a vegetable since Re-O? Do you like just making a massive feed that you can munch on cold throughout the week because you hate doing things? Then boy, do I have the feed for you. 1. Start by sautéing onions in Read more...
Shot Buckets Are the Worst Deal Imaginable
Posted 7:36pm Thursday 30th August 2018 by Swilliam Shakesbeer
Holy fuck I made a huge mistake. I lay myself at your feet and beg your forgiveness. I have sinned. I have completely disregarded the holy rule of Dollars Per Standard. I was kinda fucked up by the time I made my way to the liquor store, so naturally my purchasing choices were very stupid Read more...
Critic Blind Date | Princess and Daddy
Posted 7:33pm Thursday 30th August 2018 by Critic
The hopeful lovers on the Critic Blind Date are provided with a meal and a bar tab, thanks to Ombrellos and Cello. If you’re looking for love and want to give the Blind Date a go, email critic@critic.co.nz Princess I’m not going to bother talking about Read more...
The Week the ODT Were Just Gosh Darn Adorable
Posted 7:04pm Thursday 16th August 2018 by Charlie O’Mannin
This has been a difficult week for the ODT. They shook their fists and told the blowhards to sock it off Speaking of socks, this week the ODT experimented with wearing odd socks. It was genuinely the most exciting thing that has Read more...
Mr Sandler, Bring Me a Dream | Going Overboard
Posted 4:47pm Thursday 16th August 2018 by Henessey Griffiths
As I assume most of you are aware of by now, I have shit time management skills. Hence the lack of review in last week’s issue. I’m only one person, and the last thing I want to do at the end of the week is watch and write about Adam Sandler. But we’re here, reporting live from the Read more...
Creamy Chicken, Bacon & Mushroom Pasta
Posted 4:44pm Thursday 16th August 2018 by The Scarfie Chef
This dish is an unreal winter warmer which is sure to satisfy the flatties. Pair with white Longridge goon or Kristov vodka. Grab a frying pan or stone pot, chuck it on med-high heat, and leave it to heat up. Slap some oil in there and then add diced, salted chicken. Be careful not to overload Read more...
Drinking Vodka Cruiser Ice Screams Small Dick Energy
Posted 4:43pm Thursday 16th August 2018 by Swilliam Shakesbeer
Vodka Cruiser Ice is the tipping point of mediocrity. Bringing a four-pack of these bad boys to a party screams small dick energy, but you know what? Really owning your small dick energy, is kind of big dick energy. Or rounds it up to 5 inches at least. It’s like the lemonade you buy from a Read more...
Love is Blind | Miri and Zach
Posted 4:42pm Thursday 16th August 2018 by Critic
The hopeful lovers on the Critic Blind Date are provided with a meal and a bar tab, thanks to Ombrellos and Cello. If you’re looking for love and want to give the Blind Date a go, email critic@critic.co.nz Miri After spending the afternoon scrolling through Read more...
The Week the ODT Seriously Fucked Up
Posted 10:26pm Sunday 12th August 2018 by Charlie O’Mannin
To start this week the ODT are awfully sure of themselves. Excuse me; ODT Watch will be the judge of that, if you don’t mind. A gem from the Regions section. “A-quack-tic” definitely made everyone at the ODT Read more...
How To Scramble Eggs
Posted 4:58pm Thursday 9th August 2018 by The Scarfie Chef
If you wanna turn your one-night stand into a relationship or at least some morning sex, then knowing how to make good, creamy scrambled eggs goes a long way. We’ll just say this: if your eggs are so dry that you need tomato sauce or aioli, you done fucked up. The secret to creamy, succulent Read more...
Lewis Road Creamery Chocolate Cream Liqueur Is A Sexy, Sweet & Succulent Treat
Posted 4:49pm Thursday 9th August 2018 by Swilliam Shakesbeer
Booze and milky fluids don’t typically go together at the same time – rather, they’re typically separated by a few hours when you’re deep-throating your flatmate’s cousin in the backseat of his Nissan Sentra. Creamy, chocolaty, and a smooth 17%, Lewis Road Creamery Read more...
Love is Blind | Ritchie and Gemma
Posted 4:32pm Thursday 9th August 2018 by Critic
The hopeful lovers on the Critic Blind Date are provided with a meal and a bar tab, thanks to Ombrellos and Cello. If you’re looking for love and want to give the Blind Date a go, email critic@critic.co.nz Ritchie Self-respect, confidence, and the Read more...
Dear Aunt Kell and Mama Zo, How Do You Uncover the Truth of Conspiracies?
Posted 4:30pm Thursday 9th August 2018 by Zoe Taptiklis-Haymes and Kelly Davenport
Well let’s start with the facts. Chemtrails are not a conspiracy, man never made it to the moon, Hitler is still alive and OUSA’s $3 lunch is laced with psychedelics. The first things to identify are smoke and/or the number 666. Long-time conspiracy theorists always know to look Read more...
The Week the ODT Wasn’t Angry, Just Disappointed
Posted 8:16pm Thursday 2nd August 2018 by Charlie O’Mannin
The ODT have been feeling a bit down this week. Are you ok ODT? Later, Deputy Editor Paul “Barry” Gorman was upset after asking for people to send in their embarrassing stories. I don’t know what Barry’s doing with the Read more...
Mr Sandler, Bring Me a Dream | What The Hell Has Happened To Me?
Posted 6:59pm Thursday 2nd August 2018 by Henessey Griffiths
Holy fuck. Adam Sandler has a music career. Adam Sandler has released five different comedy albums. Who the fuck is this man. Hey guys, Henthony Griffano here, the Critic’s busiest Adam Sandler nerd. Now I’ll be honest, I forgot to watch a film this Read more...
Little Fat Lamb Ginger Beer Tastes Like A Bitch Slap From Hell
Posted 6:57pm Thursday 2nd August 2018 by Swilliam Shakesbeer
Little Fat Lamb has personally victimised more residents of North Dunedin than the cold, Health Science, and a drunk Caitlin Barlow-Groome combined. I opted for the classic ginger beer, a sour, vinegary-sweet concoction that would probably taste better if it still had a dead snail in it (shoutout Read more...
Love Is Blind | Cindy and Clarkie
Posted 6:54pm Thursday 2nd August 2018 by Critic
The hopeful lovers on the Critic Blind Date are provided with a meal and a bar tab, thanks to Ombrellos and Cello. If you’re looking for love and want to give the Blind Date a go, email critic@critic.co.nz Cindy Mentally prepared to spend a few hours getting Read more...
The Week the ODT Told a Lie About South Dunedin
Posted 4:00pm Friday 27th July 2018 by Charlie O’Mannin
Sometimes readers expect too much of the ODT, so they’ve started adding warning labels. And just in case that didn’t get through, they repeated it on the next page. The ODT have been taking more than the usual Read more...
Mr. Sandler, Bring Me a Dream | You Don’t Mess with the Zohan
Posted 6:26pm Thursday 26th July 2018 by Henessey Griffiths
I think after the highs that were The Wedding Singer and Billy Maddison, I was feeling too optimistic about Adam Sandler’s talents as a cultural icon. But now we’re plummeting back down to ground level, for a film that I don’t even know how to describe – You Don’t Mess Read more...
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