Horoscopes | Issue 08

Horoscopes | Issue 08


Jan 20 - Feb 18

To be a breather is not simply to breathe. To be a breather, one must step into the shoes of those that came before them, step back out of those shoes, pour a Billy Mav into said shoes, and sip upon the sweet nectar from sole to soul. Are you ready for your holy transformation?

This week’s spirit animal: Atlantic Footballfish



Feb 19 - Mar 20

This week you may need to be the hero nobody asked for. If somebody farts in the room and nobody owns up to it, take one for the team and say it was you.

This week’s spirit animal: Bonnet Macaque



Mar 21 - Apr 19

Jupiter is in retrograde! You can officially stop shaving until spring.

This week’s spirit animal: Hump-Backed Fly



Apr 20 - May 20

You will be the centrepiece in a real life Les Mis set at Les Mills. Don’t avoid it; you’ll butterfly effect shit up and I won’t be born to send you this message from the future.

This week’s spirit animal: Australian Brangus



May 21 - Jun 20

Treat yourself this week, put a whole cucumber on each eye.

This week’s spirit animal: Stoplight Loosejaw



Jun 21 - July 22

Your life’s been feeling a bit like the Simpsons episode where Homer gets heart surgery but don’t worry, soon it’s gonna feel more like the episode where Homer is in a barbershop quartet

This week’s spirit animal: Pleasing Fungus Beetle



July 23 - Aug 22

You better not be using Laybuy to fuel your consumerist nightmare lifestyle. Here’s a thought, maybe instead make weekly payments on your actual student loan.

This week’s spirit animal: Turkey Vulture



Aug 23 - Sep 22

The celestial energies are informing you that this is the week to ask your first ever question in class. This astrological message is not intended for mature student Virgos (we get it; self-esteem still existed while you were growing up). Put your hand down.

This week’s spirit animal: White-Handed Gibbon



Sep 23 - Oct 22

It’s time to make that switch from coffee to decaf NoDoz.

This week’s spirit animal: Numbat



Oct 23 - Nov 21

The planets are telling me that if you know anyone who tips wheelie bins over or fucks with peoples bikes on campus you have one free pass to tell them they’re a big meanie and push them a little bit.

This week’s spirit animal: Knob-Nosed Goose



Nov 22 - Dec 21

This week you may find great pleasure in an item you have recently attained. But also you might not, in which case you should write a sternly worded letter to Critic for making you pay $10 in shipping for an absolutely shit vibrator. At least you might have a chance to get a $30 book voucher so you can buy a 3rd of a fucking book.

This week’s spirit animal: Secretary Bird



Dec 22 - Jan 19

Start going back to the gym after you stop being sick. While you’re sick search up “gibbons running” on Google images. They’re so bloody cute.

This week’s spirit animal: Pubic Louse

This article first appeared in Issue 8, 2019.
Posted 6:40pm Thursday 11th April 2019 by Critic.