Jan 20 - Feb 18
To be a breather is not simply to breathe. To be a breather, one must step into the shoes of those that came before them, step back out of those shoes, pour a Billy Mav into said shoes, and sip upon the sweet nectar from sole to soul. Are you ready for your holy transformation?
This week’s spirit animal: Atlantic Footballfish
Feb 19 - Mar 20
This week you may need to be the hero nobody asked for. If somebody farts in the room and nobody owns up to it, take one for the team and say it was you.
This week’s spirit animal: Bonnet Macaque
Mar 21 - Apr 19
Jupiter is in retrograde! You can officially stop shaving until spring.
This week’s spirit animal: Hump-Backed Fly
Apr 20 - May 20
You will be the centrepiece in a real life Les Mis set at Les Mills. Don’t avoid it; you’ll butterfly effect shit up and I won’t be born to send you this message from the future.
This week’s spirit animal: Australian Brangus
May 21 - Jun 20
Treat yourself this week, put a whole cucumber on each eye.
This week’s spirit animal: Stoplight Loosejaw
Jun 21 - July 22
Your life’s been feeling a bit like the Simpsons episode where Homer gets heart surgery but don’t worry, soon it’s gonna feel more like the episode where Homer is in a barbershop quartet
This week’s spirit animal: Pleasing Fungus Beetle
July 23 - Aug 22
You better not be using Laybuy to fuel your consumerist nightmare lifestyle. Here’s a thought, maybe instead make weekly payments on your actual student loan.
This week’s spirit animal: Turkey Vulture
Aug 23 - Sep 22
The celestial energies are informing you that this is the week to ask your first ever question in class. This astrological message is not intended for mature student Virgos (we get it; self-esteem still existed while you were growing up). Put your hand down.
This week’s spirit animal: White-Handed Gibbon
Sep 23 - Oct 22
It’s time to make that switch from coffee to decaf NoDoz.
This week’s spirit animal: Numbat
Oct 23 - Nov 21
The planets are telling me that if you know anyone who tips wheelie bins over or fucks with peoples bikes on campus you have one free pass to tell them they’re a big meanie and push them a little bit.
This week’s spirit animal: Knob-Nosed Goose
Nov 22 - Dec 21
This week you may find great pleasure in an item you have recently attained. But also you might not, in which case you should write a sternly worded letter to Critic for making you pay $10 in shipping for an absolutely shit vibrator. At least you might have a chance to get a $30 book voucher so you can buy a 3rd of a fucking book.
This week’s spirit animal: Secretary Bird
Dec 22 - Jan 19
Start going back to the gym after you stop being sick. While you’re sick search up “gibbons running” on Google images. They’re so bloody cute.
This week’s spirit animal: Pubic Louse