Archive

Horoscopes | Issue 13

Posted 11:42pm Thursday 23rd May 2019 by Critic

Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18 This week’s spell for a good night out with the boys: Pile all of your clothes into the centre of your room. Fetch bucket of cold sage water. Pour a dash of kerosene onto the pile of clothes and set it alight. Whisper to your burning clothing “looking Read more...

Top 10 Scariest Things from My Childhood that I've Tried to Repress

Posted 11:36pm Thursday 23rd May 2019 by Critic

1. The red screen that comes up on a PlayStation 2 when you put the wrong disc in 2. That TV ad where you watch a house burn down over the course of three separate ads 3. That old TVNZ show The Killian Curse 4. That video where they're driving down a nice field and there's a major Read more...

ODT Watch | Issue 13

Posted 10:46pm Thursday 23rd May 2019 by R. RY, Bachelor of Arts

  Put that thing back where it came from or so help me.     Honestly? The ODT has published a lot of filth but this takes the cake. The only kind of sex that should be promoted in any piece of media is vanilla missionary sex that lasts for 30 seconds. We bet you Read more...

Critic Booze Reviews | Ivanov Vodka

Posted 8:40pm Thursday 23rd May 2019 by Sinkpiss Plath

Ivanov Vodka is THAT bitch. A trustworthy, hard to find, bitch. She’s got your back when everyone at the party’s talking about how you slept with so-and-so, and will probably scream in the hostess’ face about third wave feminism. Ivanov Vodka is the cheapest vodka on the block, but Read more...

UoO Moaningful Confessions | Climbing the Wet Crack

Posted 8:39pm Thursday 23rd May 2019 by Critic

Had a sexual encounter that was unusual, scandalous, or spicy? Send in your moaningful confession to critic@critic.co.nz     As every international exchange student knows, sometimes you need a vacation from your vacation. So, when mid-semester break rolls around, it cannot be Read more...

Critic Blind Date | Kel Knight and Kath Day-Knight

Posted 7:34pm Thursday 23rd May 2019 by Critic

The hopeful lovers on the Critic Blind Date are provided with a meal and a bar tab, thanks to Mamacita. If you’re looking for love and want to give the Blind Date a go, email blinddate@critic.co.nz   KEL KNIGHT The day for the blind date rolled around and I decided to have some Read more...

Professor of Comedy Confirms: Drawing Dicks On Whiteboards is the Pinnacle of Humour

Posted 7:25pm Thursday 23rd May 2019 by The Critical Tribune

Dr. Harry Whitburn, more commonly known as Bonzo the Clown, released an official statement yesterday confirming that illustrations of masculine genitalia on whiteboards is scientifically the pinnacle of humour. Dr. Whitburn is head of Otago’s lesser-known Comedy Department, located in the Read more...

Problem-Solving Breatha Heats Entire Flat Exclusively By Burning Uber Eats Vouchers

Posted 7:23pm Thursday 23rd May 2019 by The Critical Tribune

Josh Broden has revolutionised student heating. Using simply a metal trash can and a fuckton of Uber Eats vouchers, Josh has managed to fend off hypothermia. When asked why Josh decided on Uber Eats vouchers as a unique, new type of fuel he said, “nobody actually uses these pieces of shit. Read more...

Critical Tribune Reporter’s Flatmate Needs To Learn How To Do The Fucking Dishes

Posted 7:22pm Thursday 23rd May 2019 by The Critical Tribune

Yeah, you read that right Sarah, you lazy bitch. I’ve told you so many goddamn times to just clean your dishes after you use them. You leave them on the table, on the bench, on the floor. You know, yesterday I found a sauce covered plate wedged down the back of the couch. I’m probably Read more...

Delusional Tutor Actually Expects Students To Do Readings

Posted 7:21pm Thursday 23rd May 2019 by The Critical Tribune

“I feel disappointed every single week,” said Philosophy tutor Donovan Cross. “Every Tuesday I ask who has done the readings, and nobody raises their hand. I tell them every time, you won’t get much out of the course if you don’t do the readings.” Cross said Read more...