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There’s something about Mediterranean air that turns you into the kind of girl who says yes to Jägermeister and public fingering.
I was on a family holiday – key word: family – on a sunny Spanish island when I matched with a hot local man on Tinder. He was charming, he was suave, and he kissed me on the cheek when we met like I was in a bloody Pedro Almodóvar film. We went strolling through moonlit streets to pick up some drinks (he chose Jägermeister, a red flag I ignored for the plot), then headed back to the courtyard of my hotel where the pool was glowing like a siren’s trap. It was 2am. We were drinking. Smoking. Vaping. Giggling. I was wearing denim shorts and bad decisions.
Now, let me set the scene: this pool closes at 7pm. It’s surrounded on all sides by multi-storey buildings – including the room my parents were staying in. From their balcony, one might’ve seen a girl who looked a lot like their daughter, nipples out, being fingered by a Spaniard in dim blue light.
I wish I could say the shame hit me in the moment. It didn’t. The Jäger was hitting harder. His hands were down my pants. My hands were down his. It was glorious, forbidden, borderline cinematic. Until a very real, very angry security guard started yelling at us from the shadows. I, drunk and terrified, was convinced I was being kicked out of the hotel. I staggered off toward my room to pack my things like a drunk fugitive, blacked out, and woke up face-down on the couch with pool chlorine still drying in my hair.
No sex happened, thank God. Partly because the mood was destroyed, and partly because one of my friends once told me that if you have sex in a pool, your vagina can suction onto the guy’s dick and you’ll get stuck like a pair of horny LEGO bricks. I don’t know if that’s true, but I was in no state to test the theory.
All I know is that I had a fantastic night. Someone on the balconies probably did too. If you’re reading this and you saw me: no, you didn’t.
Lesson of the week: Gorgeous Spanish men are not to be trusted, especially if they carry Jägermeister and call you “guapa”. I currently have the flu and am pretty sure he licked it into my throat. Would I do it again? Absolutely.
xoxo,
Someone’s Disgraceful Daughter