For Critic Te Ārohi’s inaugural Party Issue, Swig60 has outsourced their liver to a guest reviewer. Whether this was a strategic editorial decision or simply because the boys finally realised they had to pace themselves is unclear. Either way, someone had to answer the important question: is a bucket of sixteen shots the life of the party, or just sixteen tiny liquefied mistakes waiting to happen?
The Review
Forget tasting notes. Forget soft palate and acidic qualities. Forget everything you thought you knew about booze reviews. Because at the end of the day, a $32 Shot Bucket isn’t about appreciating the subtle oak undertones, or whatever people with functioning taste buds talk about. Packed with sixteen 30ml shots across eight flavours, there’s enough variety in this bucket to keep everyone happy.
Up first was Fireshot. I was down bad with the flu at the time of writing, so I was hoping some spicy liquor would fry the damn thing right out of my immune system. However, this was a weak imitation of Fireball and tasted like Christmas spent 50/50 between your divorced parents' houses or making a potion out of random pills from the medicine cabinet. 4/10.
Next was the big JD. Everyone knows that Jam Donut is the undisputed crowd favourite. It’s sweet, nostalgic, and dangerously easy to knock back, leaving me feeling as if I’d been pashed by Mr Dunkin Donut himself. Never misses. 7/10.
Salted Caramel does what it says on the tin. I was expecting this little number would be more sweet than salty, but fuck – I was wrong. Downing this left me feeling like I was a kid at the beach again, getting absolutely fucked up by a wave and waterboarded by salt water. The sweetness came slightly after, but I was seriously caught off guard. Jolly good show. 7/10.
And here comes the underdog! I feel like banana and chocolatey things get their fair share of shit, but people should call me Curious George the way I be loving that Choc Banana. This is way too easy to down, making it a super easy way to get in your 5+. Like they say: a Choc Banana a day keeps the doctor away. 9/10.
Then there’s QF, aka Quick Fuck: a name that tells you everything and nothing all at the same time. The way that Quick Fuck goes down is truly comparable to every quick fuck I’ve had: good, then not so good, and never ever great. The only way to describe its flavour is ‘vaguely melon’. My advice is to get on to the second QF in the bucket ASAP – the longer you wait, the less you’ll want to do the second. 5/10.
Legendary Butterscotch tastes like your nan’s Werther’s Originals and a family history of alcoholism. Yummy! Butterscotch is part of the ‘Big 3’ in this Shot Bucket, alongside Salted Caramel and Jam Donut – a trio which my 11-year-old nephew would call “peak.” Fuck, my age is showing – just like it was the morning after conducting the data collection for this review (also known as getting shit faced). 8/10.
Next was Sticky Date. What a let down! This was like Salted Caramel but slightly worse – the evil, twisted version of Salted Caramel. Sticky date pudding does nothing for me in its food form, and it unfortunately does nothing for me in its liquid form – even if the plastic packaging that keeps the creamy part from the liquor looks kinda neat. 4/10.
Choc Orange tasted like if lean and Jaffas had a baby. This is a no nonsense shot that knows that it works. Choc Orange is a classic, and I strongly advocate for it to be considered part of the Shot Bucket Big 3. If I had enough of these, I might just end up going for a roll down Baldwin Street myself. 9/10.
To conclude, 5.3 standards per bucket (working out at 0.33 standards per shot) is honestly a fucking joke. But I am also drinking pre-poured shots that I bought in a bucket, so maybe my life is a fucking joke. On that note, happy partying!
