Top 10 ways to tell someone you have an STI

  1. Emojis. There’s no better way to tell your Tinder hookup from a month ago about your pubic lice than sending a crab and eggplant emoji side by side.
  2. Hire a sky writer to write a message announcing your chlamydia. The sky’s the limit.
  3. Make a public declaration on Facebook. Bonus points for the various reactions you will get.
  4. Get it tattooed as a tramp stamp. Even though the STI may be curable, live by the immortal words of Six60 and “don’t forget your roots”.
  5. Scream it in public. Lecture theatres, the octagon, pint night – you name it. Embrace it. Live your truth.
  6. Put it in your Tinder bio. It’s best to be upfront and honest.
  7. Post it on Dunedin News. I mean, it is the most accurate source of news in our current media. Be sure to tag the person.
  8. Set up an elaborate game of Guess Who, with exclusively your face. Ask the question “does your character have an STI?” and watch the magic unfold. 
  9. Write a surf rock song about your STI. Invite your romantic partner to the next Open Mic Night at Dog With Two Tails and perform it live.
  10. Set out a very intricate and intense scavenger hunt that leads them to Student Health for an STI check.
This article first appeared in Issue 10, 2019.
Posted 6:33pm Thursday 2nd May 2019 by Critic.