Back in 2015 my rabbit, Mr Fluffy, died, and I was grief-ravaged. I know that sounds like a joke, but I was a fresher living away from home for the first time, neck-deep in the shit creek that is HSFY, hadn’t made any friends in my hall, and my childhood pet had died. To top it off I couldn’t afford to fly back to Wellington for the cremation, and so I tried an age-old grief management strategy: drowning my sorrows and optimistically attempting to get laid. Tinder wasn’t really a thing back then, but there was a club called Boogie which was basically the physical manifestation of the seediest hookup app you could imagine, so I rocked up there a box of Purple Goannas deep, cut some graceless shapes on the d-floor, and somehow managed to convince a girl that I was a viable mate. Anyway, we made it back to her flat and everything was going well: items of clothing were being shed, sweet nothings were being whispered, blah blah blah, and we started to fuck. I’d only lost my virginity a couple of months ago so had an extremely vague notion of what went where, and was completely lost as to the location of the clitoris, but I was giving it my best shot until I saw a toy bunny on her dresser that reminded me of Mr Fluffy. Instant boner killer. As much as we tried, and we tried every trick in the book, I was just too heartbroken to get it up again; I was so embarrassed and sad that I started crying. Time to leave, obviously, but I couldn’t find my socks. Eventually I found them just under her bed, and as I bent down to retrieve them I noticed a bunch of creepy dolls down there. Kinda weird, but I was too all over the place to really think about it or look closely, so dismissed it and got the fuck out.
Fast forward to the end of the year and I’d finally made some friends, had done all right in HSFY, and had moved to the fifth stage of the Kübler-Ross model re: Mr Fluffy’s death. So on my last Satdee night in Dunners before I went home for summer I was in a good headspace; when I bumped into that girl from earlier in the year in town I had a laugh with her about what had happened, one thing led to another and I was back at her place again to make amends. She kneeled on the floor and began to suck me off, and I was standing there thinking of how proud Mr Fluffy would be if he could see me now, when I saw those dolls she had poking out from under her bed. There seemed to be three or four more compared to the last time I’d seen them, but the weird thing was that one of them looked suspiciously like me, it even had a small mark under its right eye where I have a birthmark . . . She finished the blowjob and then I made some excuse and ran home.