One of the most important things to learn in martial arts is when not to use martial arts. The same applies to cooking.  

So this week I present:

The Tuesday Night ‘n Day Deals Ranked From Best to Worst:

1. $2 Criss-Cross Chips

For some reason potato becomes 10,000% more delicious when it is in a hash shape. It’s probably all the surface area for that great oil to stick to. Normally only your snooty Auckland mates can afford these, but when they’re $2 the gloves are off. 

2. $2 Sundaes

Night ‘n Day sundaes make an excellent late night dessert or a terrible breakfast alternative. These sundaes also have some pretty “punny” names, bringing little moments of joy and wonder into your day. 

3. $2 Wedges

A form of potato almost equal in quality with criss-cross chips. The main downside is the moral dilemma you’re faced with: deciding how much to splurge on sauce and extras. Also a great social event – if you go at lunch at least half the uni will be there.  

4. $2 Milkshakes

Pretty great, but just be careful. Lactose intolerance is no joke and your flatmates won’t thank you for it.   

5. $3 Milkshakes  

As above, but $1 more.  

6. $2 Pies

A true contender to replace the fabled scarfie pie deal of the past. If you’re in need of a cheap lunch, or just hungover after a wild Monday night, this is a pretty great deal.  

7. $1 Ice Creams

I’m pretty sure it’s not a coincidence this gets scheduled in the middle of winter.  

8. $2 Coffees

At first this deal seems like a cop out, but in the middle of semester time when you’ve got several assignments due and a pounding hangover access to some hot affordable coffee can be a godsend.  

9. $1 Slushies

Slushies are cool I guess. It’s like hard water, but kinda soft and sweet. Man science is whack!

10. $1 Hot Dogs

The most phallic deal of them all. Pretty good value, but if you want to maximise the deal you gotta buy several and look like a wanker trying to hold them all.  

11. $1 Fudge

For some reason Night ‘n Day seem super proud of their fudge, despite the fact that it’s kinda dry and will make you wish some kind of drink had been the special of the month.

12. $1 Lasagne Toppers

Great value at only a dollar, but what the fuck is a lasagne topper? Is it the top of a lasagne? Does it go on the top of lasagne? Is it Italian? A lasagne topper is kind of like if Frankenstein’s monster fucked a pasta bake and then deep fried the resulting love child.  

13. $2 Lolly Pottles

These are a sad reminder of times gone by. Kind of like remembering that sick Lego set you had as a kid, then realizing you only got it because your parents were getting divorced and your mum really wanted to make sure you had one last Christmas as a family.  

Pro Tip: These deals start at midnight on Monday, so if you’re a peckish insomniac you can get two days’ worth of Tuesday deals.