Pisces
Your flatmate dishes are starting to look like a biohazard. Channel your fiery rage into either cleaning them or weaponising them to tear the flat dynamic apart in the group chat. Either way, it's a good way to get some of those pent up emotions out.
This week's crime: Catfish your tutor
Libra
Stop pretending you don't care about what your flatmates cook for dinner. This is the third week in a row of nachos and spag bol. They are doing the bare minimum and it's not fair that you are whipping up some extravagant, vege filled, meal weekly.
This week's crime: Pirate Dance Moms and try to sell DVDs of it
Aries
Your emotional vice is out of steam. Leave the vape and the Satisfyer Pro 2 behind and try going for a beach walk, with a little bit of Fiona Apple and some sea gulls to be the soundtrack of the evening. Thinking about things is healthier than trying to forget, even if it is harder.
This week's crime: Sell fake IDs
Sagittarius
The universe is not clapping every time you walk into the library, but sometimes that's the only motivation to get out of bed. You feel like a celebrity this week, and maybe you are. After all, it feels like there are eyes watching your every move.
This week's crime: Joyride a Campus Watch car
Aquarius
You’re convinced your flat is haunted. Spoiler: it is. But the ghost just wants a drink and to complain about their ex. Invite them into the lounge, share a Speight’s, and let them vent about the great Tinder pandemic of 2019.
This week's crime: Steal a rotisserie chicken
Scorpio
Your Facebook humour is going to peak this week. Get shit posting, everyone knows that nothing says Scorpio more than a well-timed post with a thinly veiled insult to your uncle with 47 likes.
This week's crime: Try steal a trolley from every supermarket
Cancer
Your wanderlust is flaring up, but you don't have the funds to go away every time you feel the need to. Try settling for a spontaneous road trip to Milton. If you squint hard enough, it's basically Europe.
This week's crime: Kidnap a fresher
Leo
This week you’ll be caught in the middle of a flat argument about toilet paper – who bought it last, who’s freeloading, why there’s only one sad roll left next to the loo. Take the high road and buy a bulk pack, letting yourself bask in the moral superiority.
This week's crime: Pee on the keypad into your department's office
Capricorn
You think you're holding it together, but your notes app is 97% angry rants. It's probably time to get rid of those, lest you accidentally get way too drunk at Pint Night and end up reading them to strangers in the bathroom.
This week's crime: Streak through the Octagon
Taurus
You have been ‘making a budget’ for three weeks straight without saving any money. The stars suggest deleting UberEats and buying some frozen dumplings. At least then you might be able to buy something nicer than 2-ply toilet paper.
This week's crime: Steal your flatmates laundry and wash it
Virgo
You’re juggling too many situationships, and you are not even certain of your own feelings. Leaving things to work themselves out may have worked for you in the past but not this time buddy. So either clear the roster or choose someone to go steady with, good luck.
This week's crime: Sell counterfeit Speight’s that's just bottled piss
Gemini
You’re a human sponge for other people's emotions. That's cute until you end up crying in a tutorial over someone else’s breakup. Try to protect your peace a little bit more because while it's fun knowing the goss, sometimes it does weigh a little heavy on your heart.
This week's crime: Climb the Clocktower