10 Ways to Die on a Lime

1. Ride down Castle St. in the rain and skid on a puddle, falling head first into a bin of shattered Speight’s bottles. 

Cause of death: party foul


2. Take too many selfies while riding and crash into the Leith

Cause of death: vanity


3. Ride tandem with your friend and forget to pay attention to traffic laws

Cause of death: social suicide


4. Ride on the road in a lane alongside cars until one merges into you

Cause of death: arrogance


5. Eat a lime while riding a lime, accidentally drop the wedge in front of your wheel, spin out like a Fast and Furious driver and knock your head

Cause of death: redundancy


6. Be so busy swiping on Tinder that you crash into one of those white girls that wear chopsticks in their hair, which pokes into your eye socket and through your brain

Cause of death: cultural appropriation


7. Try to ski (ride two Limes at once) and inadvertently turn both Limes away from each other, ripping yourself in half from the crotch up

Cause of death: split identity


8. Try to carry as many Limes home with you as possible, wiping out and having all of them fall on you in a heap, fracturing every bone in your body

Cause of death: acquisition of power


9. Let a Lime hit you in the ankle

Cause of death: childhood memories


10. We could give you a reason #10. We could give you a Reason #1795. But do you really need one? Limes aren’t cool. Ride a skateboard. Ride a bike. Ride a unicycle. Ride a crocodile named Carl. Don’t ride a Lime.

This article first appeared in Issue 3, 2019.
Posted 9:54pm Thursday 7th March 2019 by Critic.