Critic Booze Reviews | Diesel

Critic Booze Reviews | Diesel

Naming a beverage after a kind of petrol is a pretty questionable business decision. I get the vibe they were probably going for – “It’s like fuel, for your body!” but instead Diesel comes across as smelly and messy as its namesake. If I wanted body fuel I would go with an Up & Go, not the liquid equivalent of body odour mixed with gasoline. 

Diesel isn’t even what most cars use, I’m pretty sure it’s only Land Rovers, which let’s face it, isn’t super flattering. Honestly, marketing departments need to sort their shit out. There’s a reason people call acid nice, calming names like “California Sunshine” or “Heavenly Blue”. If Diesel was called California Sunshine, my mother would probably drink it at brunch with the girls. 

When I think of Diesels, I think of a guy named Kyle who is weirdly into motocross. No one’s quite sure what he’s been up to since high school, but he’ll turn up to a party uninvited and smash a pack of Diesels along with some darts. When he uses too much tongue – and he will – you will think of your dad and make a mental note to call him for dinner sometime. 

Overall, Diesel is a gross but pretty decent time. It’s murky and ambiguous, just like your relationship with your parents. At least it’s cheaper than actual petrol. Who needs a car when this drink can get you places, baby. 

Actually it’ll probably just get you halfway to town before you give up and go to Maccas, but who cares, it’s not the destination, it’s the journey. Kung Fu Panda 2 taught me that. 


Taste Rating: 1.5/10 

Froth Level:  BIKES!! SPORTS!!! CARS!! 

Pairs well with: Man-size tissues for man hands, for man tears. 

Tasting notes: Pepsi Max from the Campus store for only $1.50. What a bargain!

This article first appeared in Issue 3, 2019.
Posted 5:42pm Thursday 7th March 2019 by Sinkpiss Plath.