Aquarius
Jan 20 - Feb 18
Be careful if Limeing this week. Your progesterone levels are critically low and you’re just so gumby right now. Mercury is in your money zone and that means it’s ok to ask your parents for a top up. There’s no reason to feel bad about it, everyone snags a couple thou off their upper middle class mum and dad once in a while.
This week’s flavour: sorry it’s a secret
Pisces
Feb 19 - Mar 20
On Wednesday you’re going to really kick yourself because you forgot about 2 dollar Tuesday again. You’re going to go onto the Facebook page and find out that April’s special is fucking lasagna toppers or something.
This week’s flavour: plain
Aries
Mar 21 - Apr 19
Mercury is in retrograde and Uranus has been pushed to its limits. Take some time this week to really look after yourself. Like, at least 4 days.
This week’s flavour: MSG
Taurus
Apr 20 - May 20
This week it’s time to try going about things in a new way. As they say, it’s not what you know, but who you know, so try to get a bit more friendly with your lecturers. It’s well known that 8 out of every 10 lecturers have great hygiene.
This week’s flavour: tuna, and not in a good way
Gemini
May 21 - Jun 20
Try to resist the urge to make the first move, you’re gonna sound despo and they’ll probably end up ghosting you completely and then hitting you up on fb in 4 ½ months with a presumptuous ‘sup’ to which you’ll reply ‘heyy’ straight away even though for months you’ve been telling yourself you’re over him and he’s a massive dick.
This week’s flavour: Milo
Cancer
Jun 21 - July 22
This week you have the power to materialise your wishes, so you should probably wish for next week’s Cancer horoscope to be better.
The sun entered your career zone last week and you really considered dropping out of uni and working at New World for the next 7 miserable years. Good thing you stuck it out, come on, they were never gonna hire you. You’re too sweaty.
This week’s flavour: peri-peri mayo
Leo
July 23 - Aug 22
You should really skype your mum. It’s healthy for you to have space from her at your age, but she’s getting worried that you hate her. She tells her girlfriends how bad she feels about it but doesn’t want to make you feel guilty. Seriously, just give her a call once in a while. She’s all alone in the house since the dog died.
This week’s flavour: menthol vape juice
Virgo
Aug 23 - Sep 22
Something will catch your eye this week that has been hidden right in front of you this whole time, go beyond the surface. There’s so much mould under that pile of dishes in your room. Now is not the time for big action though. Leave it for another week.
This week’s flavour: brown
Libra
Sep 23 - Oct 22
Your Capricorn friend didn’t invite you to something and it hurt your feelings. Try not to take it out on them. Direct your negative energy towards someone smaller than you who did nothing wrong. If that doesn’t work, buy a half kg of sour lollies and watch a documentary about doomsday preppers.
This week’s flavour: sour
Scorpio
Oct 23 - Nov 21
The sun has moved into Aries, which means that it’s time to think about changing certain habits and activities that are no longer bringing you total wellness. Downing half a bottle of vodka every weekend is harsh on your body. Try a juice cleanse. There, see? All better. See you next weekend, you crazy party animal, you.
This week’s flavour: crust
Saggitarius
Nov 22 - Dec 21
This week, a friend will say something that makes you go “What? No. Shut up. You can’t be serious. No way. What? Shut up.”
This week’s flavour: chicken crimpy
Capricorn
Dec 22 - Jan 19
You have decided to cleanse your life of bad vibes. The Libra in your life has got to go. She is just too much. Make a point of stopping inviting her to things. She’ll get the message. This week you have been pushed to question your beliefs. Don’t doubt yourself. Astrology is totally real.
This week’s flavour: cum