Horoscopes | Issue 07

Horoscopes | Issue 07


Jan 20 - Feb 18

Aquarius, you are a busy worker and are designed for getting stuff done. The hive’s survival depends on you.

This week’s turn on: tutor over your shoulder breathing down your neck



Feb 19 - Mar 20

Stars are looking good for Pisces this week. You’re never going to regret purchasing your new lamp from Spotlight.

This week’s turn on: your biggest cringe trigger is now your fetish



Mar 21 - Apr 19

Nothing encroaching. Except Assignments™. Spray them away.

This week’s turn on: designing the perfect Fursonas for all your friends, getting them illustrated professionally and sent to said friends in the mail



Apr 20 - May 20

It is going to get a lot wetter for you, Taurus, unless you take your umbrella about. You should heed $1 umbrellas, available from any philanthropic OU shareholder near you.

This week’s turn on: ultra clean vacuum



May 21 - Jun 20

You won't cascade with an extremely high-energy cosmic ray this week so you can relax. It's unlikely hopping about the mall will satisfy your cravings, so you gotta stay in line with the Asteroid Belt, Gemini.

This week’s turn on: curtain warehouse ASMR



Jun 21 - July 22

You’re gonna crawl your way to the top of the food chain (it's a kind of rope you climb made of food - Nutrition 101 or you wouldn't get it). The Stars love you, ya silly baby. A cute bib this week will make you seem less gullible.

This week’s turn on: classical music for babies



July 23 - Aug 22

Congratulations, Leo! You’ve been offered a job at Fortune Cookie Horoscope butchery department; we always need fresh meat. The gym will be less busy this week.

This week’s turn on: getting that 5+ a day



Aug 23 - Sep 22

Old cheese farts incoming! Prepare somehow. The stars are energy, we must occupy them. The Virgos are making a religion, better get amongst.

This week’s turn on: sexy humanoid airplane



Sep 23 - Oct 22

Dare to buy more tuition and you will be wise. Grind up your time and don't spend it on new things; that is what money is for, Libra. You will have an urge to switch degree this fortnight.

This week’s turn on: the word "cummies"



Oct 23 - Nov 21

Competition is the key to success; everyone for themselves. The stocks will be in your favour this week if you buy shares in big institutions. Better hunt down your dreams before they hunt you.

This week’s turn on: sliding a cucumber in and out of a perfectly sized hole in a watermelon



Nov 22 - Dec 21

Save some Time in the Time Bank and let it grow with interest while you hibernate. This semester will be hard to separate from reality, so feed while the feeding is good.

This week’s turn on: when your dad's bestie from way back does the finger guns at you



Dec 22 - Jan 19

Sell NoDoz and LaTeX notes to classmates and turn a profit; at least try it just for the week. Expensive garments make you cool and you can sell more merch and buy more brand tattoos.

This week’s turn on: oak-tinned spaghetti in an old olive jar microwaved for 30 seconds

This article first appeared in Issue 7, 2019.
Posted 2:38am Friday 5th April 2019 by Critic.