Horoscopes | Issue 09

Horoscopes | Issue 09


Jan 20 - Feb 18

Pluto is going to be in your spiritual zone until exam time so be careful about going to $3 lunch from now on. One more “hello smiley” directed at you might send you over the edge and before you know it you’ll be the one in the kitchen chanting while you drop things into oil.

This week’s comfort food: a single scoop ice cream but the ice cream is meatballs



Feb 19 - Mar 20

Your grandma gave you so many easter choccys last week that you threw up all over her Midsomer Murders DVD collection.

This week’s comfort food: powdered cat milk



Mar 21 - Apr 19

You will smell oblivion in a tissue.

This week’s comfort food: dip gummy bears in Le Snak cheese



Apr 20 - May 20

Tonight you’re going to wake up to go to the toilet but on the way you’ll come across a ghost who is going to try to convince you that his unfinished business is that he is on the brink of orgasm, and that you have to help him finish his business. The question is, Taurus, will you believe him?

This week’s comfort food: waffle with tomato sauce



May 21 - Jun 20

Pluto is in your 2 fruits and 3 vegetables sector which means that you need to grab your best friend and kiss them passionately on the lips. There will never be a better time to make things uncomfortable and possibly end a friendship built from years of trust and shared experiences.

This week’s comfort food: 12 dairy free Magnums



Jun 21 - July 22

Every morning at 7am head to the beach. Love percolates from the waves like bubbles of friendly hellos.

This week’s comfort food: cheerios in milk (the sausage, not the cereal)



July 23 - Aug 22

You’re noticing a lot of really pregnant people this month. This is because you are destined to have a Taurus baby. They’re not going to move out of your house until they’re 36 and they’ll never truly appreciate what you’ve done for them.

This week’s comfort food: core a small apple, fill the hole with peanut butter, and then try to fit the whole thing in your mouth



Aug 23 - Sep 22

It’s time to tell your partner about that freaky sex thing you’re into. If you don’t have a partner, you could come out about it on Facebook.

This week’s comfort food: suck on a Beyblade, it brings a comforting nostalgia



Sep 23 - Oct 22

Pluto is in your family sector, so you might be feeling like calling up Grandpa and learning all about your family tree. Spoiler: you’re white all the way back.

This week’s comfort food: grape skins, then squish the skinned grapes in your armpits



Oct 23 - Nov 21

Uranus is in your relationship sector lol

This week’s comfort food: the cheese dust at the bottom of a party-size bag of Twisties



Nov 22 - Dec 21

Your luck is way up this week, but charisma and agility are critically low. You’re going to find some mean shit going dumpster diving, but you’re going to get caught and it’s going to be really embarrassing.

This week’s comfort food: a lukewarm mince and cheese pie from the Coupland’s dumpster



Dec 22 - Jan 19

Bro, you should have caught up with study during the break.

This week’s comfort food: that food that your friends sometimes got in their lunch that Mum never let you have

This article first appeared in Issue 9, 2019.
Posted 8:56pm Thursday 25th April 2019 by Critic.