We’ve gone DI-why the fuck would you do that this week: Kristov Red Label and Raro. Born from a post in the ‘Throwback 4s & Rotary of NZ’ facebook group, surrounded by mentions of monster-ports, premix, and Purple Goannas, this shit should have made like dreads and tribal tattoos on white guys and stayed in the 2000s. The method for this is to scull the bottle to the bottom of the neck, funnel a packet of raro (sweet navel orange, obviously) into the thing and shake it like your life depends on it. If it isn't mixed enough, it'll feel like it's gonna damn kill you.
This is not a cheeky fruity wee drink, it is something you drink to Irish Exit pres. I found this out the hard way when I came to inside of Pint Night after putting down one of these fuckers in about an hour and a half (it was confiscated for like 45 minutes in the middle of it, so I made good time). The taste, whilst not the absolute worst thing you've ever tasted, sure as shit isn’t pleasant – probably something to do with the fact that Kristov isn't real vodka, it's a “vodka-flavoured spirit”, which basically means watered down race gas and nasty-ass vodka flavouring.
If you own a BRITA filter or something of the sort, run it through that first and it'll strip that shithouse flavour from it, and then ZOOWEEMAMA you are away and cooking. Ironically, this absolute hogwash is the base spirit in Vodka Cruisers, which is kind of insane because this tastes nothing like those yummy scrummy liquid lollies. But after putting away a bottle of this, a box of Cruisers would probably sober you up.
I personally have put myself through this stuff three separate times, which is funny because I only really remember one of them at Pint Night, but only after teleporting from pres to the mosh. The other times I did such things as:
- Yell the National Anthem out over the North East Valley whilst it was still daylight on a school night
- Smoked six cigarettes on my own in one sitting (I do not normally smoke)
- Had a gay sexual awakening
- Somehow managed to be hungover an hour after I’d stopped drinking
Whilst I cannot ethically recommend that you do this, the price point is an undeniable perk. If you brave a litre bottle of KRL (13.9%) raw, it’s $16 dollars for 11 standards. Adding Raro into the mix brings it up to around $17 ($2.30 at Pakkies for a three-pack) which outstrips most domestic beers and wines by a solid amount. But enter at your own risk cos the hangover is fucked and the antics are, too.
Pairs well with: Chrome 18s on a RX323, Limp Bizkits Significant Other, and matching Kappa tracksuits
Taste rating: 6/10. Orange and acetone, but in a fun way
Scullability: Somewhere between 3/10 and 9/10, and you never know which one it’ll be
Hangover rating: A million/10