Critic Blind Date | Steve and Shona

Critic Blind Date | Steve and Shona

The hopeful lovers on the Critic Blind Date are provided with a meal and a bar tab, thanks to Mamacita. If you’re looking for love and want to give the Blind Date a go, email




Turning up to a restaurant which I didn't even know existed, I had no idea what to expect for the night. After being shown to my table and having to wait over 10 minutes all I could think was I've been stood up, feel like pure shit, just want Sarah back. But eventually my date turned up and we ordered from the (far from exotic-looking) menu. After a while of talking about our experiences overseas and our family pride, someone caught my attention through the corner of my eye. Looking out the window you won't believe the sight I saw. At first I recognised his face and thought is that an old teacher, but no. It wasn't until after a few seconds I realised who it was. It was the gaffer, the boss, the big man himself, Stevie boy. Walking up the street looking a little off balance, there was Steve Hansen with a chicka under each arm. This weapon of a man had been watching too much mother daughter on the good ol' hub, he's thought "righto, Imma hit up dirty Dunners and grab me a fresher and her mum". Unfortunately this experience was the most exciting thing to happen for me that night. The chat was so good we were the last people to leave the restaurant, but sadly an early meeting the following morning meant I had to end the night prematurely. One day I strive to be as big as Steven and not need to rely on a blind date to find love.



It was beige sex, no hair pulling, no choking and certainly nothing that made me want to yell daddy and dig my nails in his back. He pulled the classic ‘horror movie’ card, which somehow always seems to work, and we got snuggled in. Lads listen up, if you’re going to make a girl watch a shitty horror movie don’t make her watch the entire thing without touching her pussy, get amongst that shit early on because no one really wants to watch Carrie in a strangers bed that smells like coffee cause he lives too close to the Greggs Factory.

After the 100 awkward minutes of movie and no action, to say my expectations were dwindling would be an understatement. We then moved on to a bit of a spoon and as I felt his package growing, there was a tug at my shorts. Here it was, finally, some attention where it's due. No. He was just resting his hand there while I got my vertical bump and grind on. It was time to take it up a notch, and with a very graceful manoeuvre, I had cock in my mouth. Starting slowly, I kissed down one thigh and up the other until I was right by his balls, sucking each one. I licked from the base of his dick right to the tip, looking into his eyes as I took his entire length in my mouth. After deciding that I would have to take the reins on this I eased myself down and went to town. A little too ambitiously one might say because my ride was over before it had even really begun. At which point, he pulled out, shot his load into the back of my throat, rolled over and went to sleep.

Fast-forward two years and he was not the guy I was expecting to see waiting for me at Mamacitas. Moreover, I thought he would at least remember me and not pretend we’d never met. Well played Blind Date, well played.

Thanks for the wine and dine Critic, but do we think I could try again considering it’s not a blind date if you’ve already slept with the guy?

This article first appeared in Issue 6, 2019.
Posted 9:13pm Thursday 28th March 2019 by Critic.