Dropping sometime around the end of last year, newcomer Orchard Storm Crush’d Ciders are another solid bev proving my theory that they’re making alcohol taste even better to keep everyone drunk and stop societal progress, à la the Kraggle from The Lego Movie or like half the antagonists in The Twilight Zone.
There are three flavours of this stuff, but as of writing I have only had the pleasure – and boy is it one – of sampling two: Apple, and Mango, Guava and Passionfruit. You may be thinking, “Fuck, old mate’s plastered, that’s four!” And to that I would say, “Shut up shitstick, the last three are one flavour.” The other flavour is Peach, and I imagine the reason it is as of yet unlocatable is because it is somehow better than the other two.
In my heart of hearts I believe that I would be able to demolish a keg of this stuff on a night out, but it's also 8.3% so it’d probably fold my clothes whilst I’m wearing them and I’d wake up sucking on my shoelaces in whatever the 2025 version of the Death Star mud pit is. And I would not mind one bit.
The pricepoint on this stuff is also batshit insane, clocking in at 13 doubloons when not on sale, and 11 on sale (as was my luck when scouting Pak’n’Save). At 8.2 standards to a 1.25L “multipack”, Orchard Storms are the latest iteration of the perfectly-sized vessel for Scrumpy- or Nitro-hands. And trust me, you are gonna be able to use your hands quite quickly as there seems to be little in the way of aftertaste, making it quite a pleasant drinking (and often too short) experience.
Taste: 9/10 for MG&P. Solid 7 for Apple. Peach, Apricot and Nectarine remain unseen.
Hangover level: Lowkey a billion/10
Pairs well with: Cutting the roof off a $400 Facebook Marketplace automobile and doing laps of Castle doing impressions of Statler and Waldorf from The Muppets, but there's like nine of you.