Cancer
The break’s coming up, and all you can think about is how time is slipping right through your fingers. Stock up on your favourite chocolate to stress eat now, because even though your brain is fried, we both know you’re still going to try to shove more lectures into it.
Your political figure: Sir Winston Churchill
Pisces
No one's surprised you’ve left flatting to the absolute last minute, but it's time to wrangle together a random group of people today. Beg them to scroll TradeMe and Facebook Marketplace for the cheapest place left in North D.
Your political figure: Martin Luther King Jr.
Scorpio
I know your parents have already screamed this at you, but it actually is time to step out of your comfort zone. You genuinely miss 100% of the shots you don't take, so for the love of God: stop doomscrolling and finally make the move you've been avoiding.
Your political figure: Jacinda Ardern
Capricorn
It’s time to reinstall all those addictive online shopping apps you deleted during your last self-improvement phase. When the urge hits to copy every cute fit you saw walking through the Link, don’t drop $70 at Cotton On. Hit the thrift so you can afford your power bill.
Your political figure: Aloysius O'Hare
Aries
A freezing winter blazes outside, so grab a cuddle buddy and hibernate in your drafty bedroom. Fall deeply in love while you desperately try to seal every single gap in your window frame with Blu-Tack and trauma bond over shitty Dunedin housing conditions.
Your political figure: Margaret Thatcher
Aquarius
The world doesn’t constantly need your unprovoked commentary. You’ve had your last laugh, so stop pulling toxic pranks and pretending it's "just a joke". It’s not coming across as funny anymore, and people are sick of it. Quite frankly, they’re sick of you!
Your political figure: Ho Chi Minh
Sagittarius
The level of control and manipulation you're putting out right now is like a toxic stonefish. Clear communication shouldn't be your biggest enemy, yet you still refuse to just say what you mean. Mind your own business instead of trying to be in the center of everyone else's.
Your political figure: Homelander
Taurus
This week it’s time to embrace a lazy weekend and rot in bed with your pookie watching Killing Eve. Order UberEats BK straight to the flat lounge and just enjoy the vibe. Let’s be honest, you deserve a break, baddie!
Your political figure: Mahatma Gandhi
Virgo:
It’s prime time to get your emotional revenge. If someone exposes themselves to you without you asking, don't just take it lying down. Chase them, stand your ground, and make sure they regret ever trying to make you feel small.
Your political figure: Alexander Hamilton
Libra
It is officially time to pick up another random hobby, not because you have the time, but because you love chaos. I wish you luck, as I know for a fact you will compromise some of your sleep hours to funnel them straight into this brand new obsession.
Your political figure: Justin Trudeau
Leo
I sense you’ve been reconnecting with family lately and finally filling up a cup that’s been sitting empty for a while. That cup is going to completely overflow this week with unexpected wholesome energy, so soak up all the love from home before heading back to damp reality.
Your political figure: Barack Obama
Gemini
Your friends have been feeling down recently, meaning your plans of running rampant through the Octagon just became a solo mish. It's totally fine though, because you'll make new besties in the Residency toilets, and get matching tattoos with them before sobering up.
Your political figure: Chlöe Swarbrick
