Horoscopes | Issue 06

Horoscopes | Issue 06


Jan 20 - Feb 18

Powerful energies will come from within you late in this week and you will give yourself bangs or a new piercing or change to a humanities degree.

This week’s Amazon E-book: Unbelievable 100% Real Time Demo of Making 100% Gain Per Year from Stock Market is Going on in Face Book. By Rabin Kumar Ghosh. $116.79.



Feb 19 - Mar 20

With Venus having moved into your sign last week, you are currently very fertile. Please use 2x protection.

This week’s Amazon E-book: Chosen by a Horse: How a Broken Horse Fixed a Broken Heart. By Susan Richards. $4.98.  


Mar 21 - Apr 19

Uranus has prolapsed; a dog will chase you home.

This week’s Amazon E-book: Military Bratz Collection: I Miss My Dad. By Jhoskesia Manigault and Heddrick McBride. $3.99.



Apr 20 - May 20

This is a nerve-wracking time for you and your beau. Venus is moving into your social sector and you need to introduce your new secret love to your close friends. Little do they know, the answer has been right in front of them this whole time. Or, at least from 10 to 10:50am on Wednesdays.

This week’s Amazon E-book: Gay Bigfoot: A Mouthful of Sasquatch. By Jack Leatherman. $2.99.



May 21 - Jun 20

Powerful energies midweek could inspire you to exclaim to your gullible friend “TWO DOLLAR TUESDAY!” and watch them get really excited and then really sad because it’s Wednesday and they’re stupid.

This week’s Amazon E-book: Handsome Sentient Food Pounds My Butt and Turns Me Gay. By Dr Chuck Tingle. $5.99.



Jun 21 - July 22

Today’s planetary alignments will allow your natural talents to shine through. If you are in a new relationship, now is the time to show off those magic tricks you’ve been working on, ideally during a romantic dinner out. If you are not in a relationship, go to the karaoke bar and sing, sing, sing.

This week’s Amazon E-book: Castration: The Advantages and the Disadvantages. By Victor T. Cheney. $18.95.



July 23 - Aug 22

Try to get to your 9am this week. Mars has moved into Gemini, and, you guessed it, the lecture won’t be recorded due to technical difficulties.

This week’s Amazon E-book: Complement & Cuddle: The Beta Male Method To Getting Laid (Single). By Roosh Vorek. $6.99.



Aug 23 - Sep 22

You may be feeling a difficult internal conflict today, Virgo. Flip a coin. Heads for samosa, tails for rice ball. Also, clear your calendar, Virgo; this Thursday is International Speak Like an Italian Day for Virgos.

This week’s Amazon E-book: 50 Ways to Use Feminine Products in a Manly Manner. By B. Koz. $3.95.



Sep 23 - Oct 22

This week you will experience an ailment and consider going to student health. You know the rule, 3 is the magic number. Wait until two more things really hurt before making the call. You’re not made of money.

This week’s Amazon E-book: Why Wash Your Hands? (Whimsical Rhyming Bedtime Story/Picture Book About Valuing Your Hands). By Sally Huss. $2.99.



Oct 23 - Nov 21

This week you will get inspired to bring your own lunch. Make it a fun routine by coordinating your meal days, e.g. Marmite Sandwich Monday, Tin of Tuna Tuesday, Whoops I Forgot My Lunch Wednesday, Three Slices of Plain Bread Thursday, and Fries Leftover from Last Night’s Macca’s Run Friday.

This week’s Amazon E-book: Big-Stamp Two-Toes the Barefoot Giant: Spring Tales of Tiptoes Lightly. By Reg Down. $9.95.



Nov 22 - Dec 21

It’s time to beautify your room and really make it feel like home. Decorate it with things that really scream “you”. Perhaps a string of fairy lights along the wall, and, ooh, a photo board.

This week’s Amazon E-book: Cheese Problems Solved. By P. L. H. McSweeney. $244.22.



Dec 22 - Jan 19

The cosmos encourages you to hold off on getting a dog. Your time will come, Capricorn, but now is not that time.

This week’s Amazon E-book: Microwave Recipes For One. By Annette Yates. $0.00.

This article first appeared in Issue 6, 2019.
Posted 12:50pm Monday 1st April 2019 by Critic.