Uber Eats Voucher Distributor Just Wants to See Family Again

Posted 9:33pm Thursday 14th March 2019

Felix Manducare, who has been ‘employed’ by Uber Eats to stand at the corner of Albany and Great King and give out vouchers to the disinterested tide of streaming passerby, has not eaten in the last 72 hours, has not slept in 86 hours, and is starting to develop severe carotid Read more...

Velvet Drapes “Not A Waste Of OUSA’s Money”

Posted 9:32pm Thursday 14th March 2019

Hames Jeath, OUSA President, has long since claimed that 2019 is the year of “doing things” for students. Previous years have always been very apprehensive about spending any of their students’ money, meaning that this year’s exec has been left with a respectable war chest. Read more...

Pressing Remote Button Harder Brings Batteries Back to Life, Says Stupid Flatmate Breaking Your Remote

Posted 9:31pm Thursday 14th March 2019

If this fails, Ryan’s future strategies are likely to include: taking the remote closer to the TV, taking the remote closer to the TV and pushing harder, taking the batteries out and switching them round, or in a worst case scenario, taking the batteries out and breathing on them for several Read more...

Broke Students Can Only Afford to Burn Half a Couch

Posted 9:30pm Thursday 14th March 2019

The party at the “Sik Lads” flat on Castle Street was already dying down at 1 a.m. when the Tribune arrived to review it. The crowd - once a sizable 150 people - had dwindled to only 30. Chazza, one of the hosts, said that when he heard a gaggle of second year girls calling their party Read more...

Lecturer Makes Snide Comment About Student Attendance, Not Realising He’s Died and Become a Ghost

Posted 9:47pm Thursday 7th March 2019

“Samuel Bronk?! I’ve never met this person. Are they even taking this paper?” said Classics lecturer Harold McHuckley, as he read out the roll of people supposed to be taking his 700-level paper CLAS767: The Foreskin in Classical Croatian Pottery. Unfortunately for Associate Read more...

“Let’s Go Out Tonight and Stand in the UBar Line!”

Posted 5:36pm Thursday 7th March 2019

“Oh my gosh, do you know what the best idea in the world is? Let’s go get drunk and yell about what a bad time we’re having while we wait for hours in the cold and rain to be let into UBar!” said Hamish Glunder to his assembled friends, who all nodded enthusiastically. Read more...

Local Adrenaline Junkie Lets Fingers Get Dangerously Close to Carrot Grater

Posted 5:33pm Thursday 7th March 2019

Her blood banged in her ears louder than a lecturer testing their microphone, sweat flooded her pores, her mind was alive with the electric-quick rush of danger. Another grate, pushing her right to the edge, that delicious line between life and death.  This is what she lives for. This is the Read more...

Dunedin’s Entire Allocation of Lime Scooters Already Submerged in Leith River

Posted 5:32pm Thursday 7th March 2019

After the shock announcement that Lime scooters would return to Dunedin streets on Thursday morning, the Tribune arrived at the Leith in time to see two strange men standing outside a white Toyota Hiace with blacked out windows. One by one, they threw their cargo of Limes over the fence and into the Read more...

Student Unsure How Old University Is

Posted 7:56pm Thursday 28th February 2019

Dunedin student Jernice McManus was left in a veil of ignorance today after trying to remember how old the University of Otago is. “I feel like it’s been around for a while. Who knows, it might even be an anniversary or something. I wish I could go to an event celebrating the long and Read more...

Campus Christians Are Throwing Bees at You, Watch Out!

Posted 7:53pm Thursday 28th February 2019

Duck! Cover your face and arms with cloth! Jump in the nearest body of water and breath through a small reed! You just walked past the Campus Christians and they threw bees at you! Not just one bee, they threw a whole hive, a whole swarm, a whole species of bee! The bees are chasing you, zipping Read more...

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