Top 10 Ways to Pay Off Your Student Loan

  1. Fake your own death and reinvent yourself in Greece.
  2. Learn advanced hacking, infiltrate the IRD as network tech staff and delete your account altogether.
  3. Begin your tuition in 2018 onwards so you don’t even have one, you spoilt little fucks.
  4. Have kinky sex with a member of ACT (shudder) and then blackmail them into paying your loan off.
  5. Invest in cryptocurrency now so that yo- oh, wait.
  6. Don’t. When you die, your student loan dies with you – it doesn’t get bequeathed to your family.
  7. Sell nudes. If you sell a nude for $5, that’s only one nude sold per day for the next 11 years.
  8. Work part-time at Critic for 10 years on top of your own full-time job and sink the extra income into your loan.
  9. Party hard, travel and live it up on a credit card for a couple of years to rack up some debt, then declare bankruptcy when you’re around 25. Loan gone. After seven years, you’ll be totally sweet to buy a house, and tbh 32 is the new 22 anyway. YOLO.
  10. Be proactive about paying your loan off, ensure you always use the correct tax code, and try to make additional repayments to knock it down fast. Y’know, the BORING way.
This article first appeared in Issue 8, 2019.
Posted 6:23pm Thursday 11th April 2019 by Critic.