Archive
Top 10 Scariest Things from My Childhood that I've Tried to Repress
Posted 11:36pm Thursday 23rd May 2019 by Critic
1. The red screen that comes up on a PlayStation 2 when you put the wrong disc in 2. That TV ad where you watch a house burn down over the course of three separate ads 3. That old TVNZ show The Killian Curse 4. That video where they're driving down a nice field and there's a major Read more...
ODT Watch | Issue 13
Posted 10:46pm Thursday 23rd May 2019 by R. RY, Bachelor of Arts
Put that thing back where it came from or so help me. Honestly? The ODT has published a lot of filth but this takes the cake. The only kind of sex that should be promoted in any piece of media is vanilla missionary sex that lasts for 30 seconds. We bet you Read more...
Critic Booze Reviews | Ivanov Vodka
Posted 8:40pm Thursday 23rd May 2019 by Sinkpiss Plath
Ivanov Vodka is THAT bitch. A trustworthy, hard to find, bitch. She’s got your back when everyone at the party’s talking about how you slept with so-and-so, and will probably scream in the hostess’ face about third wave feminism. Ivanov Vodka is the cheapest vodka on the block, but Read more...
UoO Moaningful Confessions | Climbing the Wet Crack
Posted 8:39pm Thursday 23rd May 2019 by Critic
Had a sexual encounter that was unusual, scandalous, or spicy? Send in your moaningful confession to critic@critic.co.nz As every international exchange student knows, sometimes you need a vacation from your vacation. So, when mid-semester break rolls around, it cannot be Read more...
Critic Blind Date | Kel Knight and Kath Day-Knight
Posted 7:34pm Thursday 23rd May 2019 by Critic
The hopeful lovers on the Critic Blind Date are provided with a meal and a bar tab, thanks to Mamacita. If you’re looking for love and want to give the Blind Date a go, email blinddate@critic.co.nz KEL KNIGHT The day for the blind date rolled around and I decided to have some Read more...
Professor of Comedy Confirms: Drawing Dicks On Whiteboards is the Pinnacle of Humour
Posted 7:25pm Thursday 23rd May 2019 by The Critical Tribune
Dr. Harry Whitburn, more commonly known as Bonzo the Clown, released an official statement yesterday confirming that illustrations of masculine genitalia on whiteboards is scientifically the pinnacle of humour. Dr. Whitburn is head of Otago’s lesser-known Comedy Department, located in the Read more...
Problem-Solving Breatha Heats Entire Flat Exclusively By Burning Uber Eats Vouchers
Posted 7:23pm Thursday 23rd May 2019 by The Critical Tribune
Josh Broden has revolutionised student heating. Using simply a metal trash can and a fuckton of Uber Eats vouchers, Josh has managed to fend off hypothermia. When asked why Josh decided on Uber Eats vouchers as a unique, new type of fuel he said, “nobody actually uses these pieces of shit. Read more...
Critical Tribune Reporter’s Flatmate Needs To Learn How To Do The Fucking Dishes
Posted 7:22pm Thursday 23rd May 2019 by The Critical Tribune
Yeah, you read that right Sarah, you lazy bitch. I’ve told you so many goddamn times to just clean your dishes after you use them. You leave them on the table, on the bench, on the floor. You know, yesterday I found a sauce covered plate wedged down the back of the couch. I’m probably Read more...
Delusional Tutor Actually Expects Students To Do Readings
Posted 7:21pm Thursday 23rd May 2019 by The Critical Tribune
“I feel disappointed every single week,” said Philosophy tutor Donovan Cross. “Every Tuesday I ask who has done the readings, and nobody raises their hand. I tell them every time, you won’t get much out of the course if you don’t do the readings.” Cross said Read more...
ODT Watch | Issue 12
Posted 12:55am Friday 17th May 2019 by R. RY, Bachelor of Arts
Fresh from the writer’s festival, the ODT debuts their newest all-ages educational column, ‘Things That Can Go In Airplanes’. They’ve been freeloading in good, wholesome, capitalist Earth for too long. It has Read more...
Critic Blind Date | Inhale and Exhale
Posted 11:55pm Thursday 16th May 2019 by Critic
The hopeful lovers on the Critic Blind Date are provided with a meal and a bar tab, thanks to Mamacita. If you’re looking for love and want to give the Blind Date a go, email blinddate@critic.co.nz Inhale I had been keen to do the Blind Date for ages but it was the same night Read more...
Critic Booze Reviews | Billy Maverick
Posted 11:53pm Thursday 16th May 2019 by Sinkpiss Plath
Those who can’t make friends, write booze reviews. Those who can’t drink beer, drink Billy Mavs. Billy Mavs is, in a nutshell, a bogan drink for classy people. Did you attend Kings College? Perhaps John McGlashan High School? Maybe even St Andrew’s College? Then chances are you Read more...
UoO Moaningful Confessions | Fizzing At The Slit
Posted 11:51pm Thursday 16th May 2019 by Critic
Had a sexual encounter that was unusual, scandalous, or spicy? Send in your moaningful confession to critic@critic.co.nz One night after some drinks at a mate’s I’m feeling spicy, one of my flatmates is dead asleep and the other two are away for the weekend, so I Read more...
Top 10 Ways to Disappoint Your Parents
Posted 11:50pm Thursday 16th May 2019 by Critic
1. Be the admin of a meme page 2. Be a white person with dreads 3. Spoil the last episode of Game of Thrones 4. Get in fights on Stuff article comments 5. Pretend your vibrator is actually your phone on silent mode 6. Drink Nitro 7. Wear your high school leavers jersey four years Read more...
Screaming Child Doesn’t Seem To Under The Concept of a ‘Whisper Dish’
Posted 11:44pm Thursday 16th May 2019 by The Critical Tribune
“What the fuck are they doing?” said Jasper, a third-year student trying to enjoy her lunch outside the museum. “The instructions are more than clear, you whisper into the dish, and the other person hears you. What’s the point of yelling into the dish if your friend is Read more...
Film Major Insists New Game Of Thrones Season Would Be Better if They Just Let Him Direct It
Posted 11:44pm Thursday 16th May 2019 by The Critical Tribune
Second-year MFCO student Daniel Morgan claims that the eighth season of HBO’s hit show Game Of Thrones is “total garbage”. Morgan believes that ever since season 5 the show has been going downhill. Morgan told The Critical Tribune that he has a solution that would fix Read more...
Central Librarians Cut Out Tounge of Everyone Entering “Quiet Zone”
Posted 11:43pm Thursday 16th May 2019 by The Critical Tribune
Piling up offerings for their dark God of Silence, the Blood Librarians of Central moved their lips in soundless patterns as they cavorted around the growing pile of tongues. “Mmm nmn mn mnmnm,” one toungeless student told the Tribune. Read more...
Critical Tribune Announce Hostile Takeover of The Tenancy Tribunal
Posted 11:42pm Thursday 16th May 2019 by The Critical Tribune
A restructure of the governmental ‘super-department’ Ministry of Business, Innovation, Tenancy, Churches, and Employment Services (MyBITCHES) was going to plan, until some sly bureaucracy left Tenancy Services in the lurch. After tenuous bidding referred to as a Read more...
ODT Watch | Issue 11
Posted 4:45pm Friday 10th May 2019 by Critic
Not satisfied with merely bringing us the juiciest news, the ODT has delved into the realm of the mysterious. Two possibilities: 1. rocks, sand, silt and biological matter in various states of decay, or 2. a smaller Lake Wakatipu. The monster down there has refused to Read more...
Top 10 Things to Say As You Cum
Posted 8:40pm Thursday 9th May 2019 by Critic
Bazinga Cheeeeaaahoooooo This is the University of Otago Uh oh The warning siren that plays when the library is about to close Quotes from your favourite Vines The grunt Tim Allen makes from Home Improvement All the lyrics to The Cha Cha Slide by DJ Casper aka Mr. C. The Slide Man Read more...
Man With Incredibly Loud Car Actually Does Have Huge Penis
Posted 8:38pm Thursday 9th May 2019 by The Critical Tribune
“Okay, sure, I rev my engine when I see girls on the side of the street, but that doesn’t mean I’m compensating for anything!” Disgruntled Dodger Challenger owner, Chad “The Man” Zipper, told the Tribune. Chad told the Tribune he has resorted to reassuring Read more...
Student Banned From Unipol for Grunting While Covered in Chalk
Posted 8:37pm Thursday 9th May 2019 by The Critical Tribune
Area man and student, Steve Grieve (23), has been banned from his university’s fitness centre for using chalk and repetitively grunting while using the weights machine. Despite clearly posted signs forbidding either activity, Steve told the Critical Tribune that he’s “confused and Read more...
English Lecturer Just Reads Off Author’s Wikipedia Page for Whole Lecture
Posted 8:37pm Thursday 9th May 2019 by The Critical Tribune
A local English lecturer has given up actually teaching in his lectures and resorted to the time-hounoured fuck-around that is reading out an author’s Wikipedia page. One student the Tribune spoke to was amazed at the wealth of knowledge available to her in the lecture. “It is Read more...
Mother Makes Son Promise He “Won’t Burn Down The Flat” After Purchasing Single Candle
Posted 8:35pm Thursday 9th May 2019 by The Critical Tribune
Agatha Thompson, mother of four, recently caught her son, Christian Thompson (19), with a single unused candle on his dresser while visiting his flat last Thursday. Agatha refused to believe her son when he told her “I’m not going to light it while drunk, Mum. Nobody even thinks Read more...
UoO Moaningful Confessions | Pissed Off
Posted 8:30pm Thursday 9th May 2019 by Critic
The night started off like any other, pre drinking with the gals and as per usual we took things a little bit too far. We somehow made our way to town, and skipped the line and walked straight on into the bar. It was at this moment we locked eyes (first mistake). So, what started off with a girls Read more...
Horoscopes | Issue 11
Posted 8:15pm Thursday 9th May 2019 by Critic
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18 Please be patient; National Dairy Goat Awareness Week is next month. This week’s belated Mothers’ Day gift: ToeSox Grip Pilates Barre Socks-Non Slip Ankle Half Toe for Yoga and Ballet. Colour options include fuchsia, chill, retro, diamond freesia and Read more...
Critic Booze Reviews | Malibu
Posted 8:05pm Thursday 9th May 2019 by Sinkpiss Plath
You should only drink Malibu if you never, under any circumstances, are the one paying for it. Yes, it’s fruity and delicious. Yes, drinking it makes me want to show everyone my cute new bra at a party. But Jesus Christ, it is expensive for what little alcohol it holds. Buying Malibu at a Read more...
Critic Blind Date | Jacob Black and Edward Cullen
Posted 8:03pm Thursday 9th May 2019 by Critic
The hopeful lovers on the Critic Blind Date are provided with a meal and a bar tab, thanks to Mamacita. If you’re looking for love and want to give the Blind Date a go, email blinddate@critic.co.nz Jacob Black I turned up a couple minutes before my date, with a Read more...
Critic Booze Reviews | How to do a Yardie: 101
Posted 2:22am Friday 3rd May 2019 by Sinkpiss Plath
Doing a yardie on your 21st is one of those delightful gems of tradition that still brings a tear to my eye. Watching young third years, year after year, continue to fuck themselves up in the name of a good Instagram caption, well, it’s heart-warming really. And everyone says first years are Read more...
ODT Watch | Issue 10
Posted 9:57pm Thursday 2nd May 2019 by R. RY, Bachelor of Arts
This week the ODT brings us some wisdom: A little-known Shakespeare fact is that “meteor” is slang for vagina. And the real meteors are the friends you make along the way. The balance of the universe is Read more...
Rebellious Vaper on Campus Claims They “Don’t Give A Fuck, Man”
Posted 7:45pm Thursday 2nd May 2019 by The Critical Tribune
Jonathan ‘The Cloud’ Matthews insists that the Vape Free signs around campus won’t keep him down. “It’s like, a human right dude. It can’t hurt you,” said Matthews, in between rips of vanilla-cola flavoured vapour. Campus Watch responded to his continual Read more...
American Exchange Student Really Excited to Show You Their New Tattoo
Posted 7:43pm Thursday 2nd May 2019 by The Critical Tribune
“I got it because I just really, really care about the ocean, and, like, the environment and stuff. Yeah,” says American who thinks the only way to express something even somewhat meaningful to them is by getting it permanently detailed on their skin. “I just got it done in Read more...
Classmate You Think is Smart Actually Just Blindly Confident
Posted 7:41pm Thursday 2nd May 2019 by The Critical Tribune
Think about it. You know the person I’m talking about. You trust what they say when they give you advice because it sounds good, not because it’s obviously correct. They don’t even believe what they’re saying, they’re just using you as a sounding board to see if you Read more...
It’s Time to Return All the Dishware You’ve Been Hoarding in Your Bedroom to the Kitchen
Posted 7:41pm Thursday 2nd May 2019 by The Critical Tribune
You know who you are. This is your wake-up call. It’s seriously disgusting and the flat needs the other half of their dining supplies. People are starting to get desperate. Yesterday, one of your flatmates used their textbook as a plate because you’ve got the other six stacked up next to Read more...
UoO Moaningful Confessions | Admission to Submission
Posted 6:45pm Thursday 2nd May 2019 by Critic
It all started with my drunken admission of my dream threesome with my two besties, Elle* and Jay*. To put this in context, my dry spell had lasted months and was now bleeding into my first year of Uni. Surprisingly this suggestion actually led somewhere. It is decided that the threesome shall be Read more...
Critic Blind Date | Adam Sandler and Drew Barrymore
Posted 6:42pm Thursday 2nd May 2019 by Critic
The hopeful lovers on the Critic Blind Date are provided with a meal and a bar tab, thanks to Mamacita. If you’re looking for love and want to give the Blind Date a go, email blinddate@critic.co.nz Adam Sandler My date greeted me with a nervous but sweet smile and a Read more...
Top 10 ways to tell someone you have an STI
Posted 6:33pm Thursday 2nd May 2019 by Critic
Emojis. There’s no better way to tell your Tinder hookup from a month ago about your pubic lice than sending a crab and eggplant emoji side by side. Hire a sky writer to write a message announcing your chlamydia. The sky’s the limit. Make a public declaration on Facebook. Bonus Read more...
ODT Watch | Issue 09
Posted 2:06am Friday 26th April 2019 by R. RY, Bachelor of Arts
This week the ODT are being heartbreakingly self-aware. For some reason, there was a lot of feet related content this week. Really? Because when I walked into the polling booth on my hands and picked up the pen with my prehensile toes, they called me an Read more...
UoO Moaningful Confessions | Bloody Hell
Posted 9:04pm Thursday 25th April 2019 by Critic
Two years ago, I had been out on a date with my (now ex) girlfriend. We'd gotten back into her sleep out at her parents place and were going at it like a couple of pornstars. Despite both of us being really into it, we'd be going for awhile, and didn't have any lube. As we were doing Read more...
Horoscopes | Issue 09
Posted 8:56pm Thursday 25th April 2019 by Critic
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18 Pluto is going to be in your spiritual zone until exam time so be careful about going to $3 lunch from now on. One more “hello smiley” directed at you might send you over the edge and before you know it you’ll be the one in the kitchen chanting while Read more...
Critic Booze Reviews | Speight's
Posted 8:40pm Thursday 25th April 2019 by Sinkpiss Plath
In ye ol’ Dunedin, there used to be three icons of the metropolitan city. One was the beloved Cadbury factory, blessed be her name. Gone but not forgotten. Another was the albatross colony, until people realized that they were just like seagulls if you squint a bit. Last but not least, Read more...
Critic Blind Date | Clarke and Jacinda
Posted 8:38pm Thursday 25th April 2019 by Critic
The hopeful lovers on the Critic Blind Date are provided with a meal and a bar tab, thanks to Mamacita. If you’re looking for love and want to give the Blind Date a go, email blinddate@critic.co.nz Clarke I discussed the criteria of an ideal date with my flatmates, Read more...
Confused Freshers Go To Hyde - Central Otago
Posted 8:36pm Thursday 25th April 2019 by The Critical Tribune
“You going to Hyde this weekend?” “Yeah bro!” In what can only be described as a ‘wholesome fuckup’, Middlemarch native Harry Henderson (18) drove down State Highway 87 to the small Central Otago township of Hyde after hearing heaps of hype for Hyde. While Read more...
Leith River Found to Contain Traces of MDMA
Posted 8:33pm Thursday 25th April 2019 by The Critical Tribune
In a recent study undertaken by KnowYourDrugsNZ, the Leith has been found to be 7% MDMA. Experts theorise the recent Hyde Street Keg Party is largely to blame, with an “influx of pingers” hitting Dunedin streets (and apparently the rivers). Students are gearing up for what looks to be Read more...
Man Who Wore Sombrero to Flat Party Not Actually Mexican
Posted 8:32pm Thursday 25th April 2019 by The Critical Tribune
“It’s true. I’m not Mexican,” revealed Jackson Whitely, while wearing a sombrero and maracas to a local, un-themed flat party. When asked what his ethnicity actually is by Tribune reporters, he responded “Cantabrian.” In an independent investigation, it was found Read more...
Conditions Worsen in Communist East Dundas
Posted 8:32pm Thursday 25th April 2019 by The Critical Tribune
If you look at Dundas Street from space (and really, why else would anyone ever go into space), you’ll see a tragic sight. One side of the Dundas Wall is sparkling and joyful, with many lights burning in a homage to the glories of unbridled capitalism. On the other side, however, in Communist Read more...
Top 10 Ways to Remind your Flatmate to do their Dishes
Posted 8:30pm Thursday 25th April 2019 by Critic
1. Put a sad face on a post-it note 2. Message the group chat a friendly reminder, hehe! 3. Do it for them! Surely they'll remember next time!!!! 4. Lock the dishes in a cupboard that only you, the keeper of keys, know the combination to. They will only get access once they prove their Read more...
ODT Watch | Issue 08
Posted 1:55am Friday 12th April 2019 by R. RY, Bachelor of Arts
This week, the Otago Daily Times came to the ground-breaking discovery that and ODT Watch is sure there’s no old men at the ODT. In other news: But still not confident enough to make the first move. Get it together, Simon. She’s waiting for Read more...
Horoscopes | Issue 08
Posted 6:40pm Thursday 11th April 2019 by Critic
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18 To be a breather is not simply to breathe. To be a breather, one must step into the shoes of those that came before them, step back out of those shoes, pour a Billy Mav into said shoes, and sip upon the sweet nectar from sole to soul. Are you ready for your holy Read more...
Cockroach Living Behind Rubbish Bin in Kitchen Agrees, You Definitely Needed to Add More Garlic to that Sauce
Posted 6:33pm Thursday 11th April 2019 by The Critical Tribune
“I mean, Christ on a crisp, the stuff was bloody bland, feel?” muttered the cockroach. “I been living here a year and a half, and the last girls that lived in this flat were making risotto, baking pies… Hell, they even spilled wine on the regular. I loved mopping that shit Read more...
Guy Who Has Seen All 720 Episodes of Naruto Now Most Skilled Brawler in Dunedin
Posted 6:33pm Thursday 11th April 2019 by The Critical Tribune
An unnamed local Dunedin man, 35, who spent the last month watching all 720 episodes of the anime Naruto, has reportedly defeated eight men, three women and two stray dogs in hand-to-hand combat around the city centre in the last four days. He owes his success to what he described to the Read more...
Semen Oozing From Used Condom in the Rubbish Bin Behind Starters Would’ve Been the Guy Who Cured Cancer
Posted 6:32pm Thursday 11th April 2019 by The Critical Tribune
Congealing in a gluey puddle surrounded by millions of his dying brothers and sisters, their silent sperm screams went tragically unheard. The single sperm that, in a different timeline, would have become Archibald A. Arnold (Man of Science! Curer of All Disease! Long may his great name be spoken!), Read more...
Girls Who Admitted They Enjoy Receiving Dick Pics Online Actually Just Guy Who Sends Dick Pics Operating Under Fake Instagram Handles
Posted 6:32pm Thursday 11th April 2019 by The Critical Tribune
“It’s not like it’s not fuckin true, huhuh,” chuckled Chad Stuttfield, the 19-year-old behind @haileysims11, @jessica_blackkkk and @caseyrae_stevensen, three Instagram handles which responded to an online poll that “Yes”, they enjoyed receiving unsolicited Read more...
Top 10 Ways to Pay Off Your Student Loan
Posted 6:23pm Thursday 11th April 2019 by Critic
Fake your own death and reinvent yourself in Greece. Learn advanced hacking, infiltrate the IRD as network tech staff and delete your account altogether. Begin your tuition in 2018 onwards so you don’t even have one, you spoilt little fucks. Have kinky sex with a member of ACT Read more...
UoO Moaningful Confessions | Issue 08
Posted 5:59pm Thursday 11th April 2019 by Critic
Going from kinky sex all the time to suddenly single was quite a shock. I realised that I no longer enjoyed boring missionary one-night stands. This lead to me hooking up with a past ex who was having the same problem as me. It was a fun few sessions, but I knew I didn’t want to continue Read more...
Critic Booze Reviews | Pimm's
Posted 5:56pm Thursday 11th April 2019 by Sinkpiss Plath
Pimm’s is the perfect drink for the perfect day. On one of those rare Dunner stunners, when the Leith only vaguely smells like piss and the grass resembles Prince William’s head pre-balding, a glass of Pimm’s is the wholesome content you deserve. The drink is weirdly associated Read more...
Critic Blind Date | Mr. Darcy and Elizabeth
Posted 5:53pm Thursday 11th April 2019 by Critic
The hopeful lovers on the Critic Blind Date are provided with a meal and a bar tab, thanks to Mamacita. If you’re looking for love and want to give the Blind Date a go, email blinddate@critic.co.nz Mr. Darcy I had no idea what to expect. But, to build up some Read more...
ODT Watch | Issue 07
Posted 3:06am Friday 5th April 2019 by R. RY, Bachelor of Arts
This week, the Otago Daily Times set out on a good old-fashioned road trip. What could they have discovered? The solitary traffic light in Kaitangata? The shed in Milton that has a smiley face with a ballsack for a nose? The gay nightlife of Gore? Hell. I’m in Hell. At least Read more...
That Weed Wasn’t Laced, You’re Just Way Too High, New Study Shows
Posted 2:46am Friday 5th April 2019 by The Critical Tribune
In a ground-breaking study done by the University of Otago, it turns out that the weed you smoked two weeks ago was not, in fact, laced. You just have a low tolerance and were trying way too hard to impress your flatmate’s stoner friends. The study was seen by Top Scientist, Dr Shelle Read more...
Sexy Breatha Not Actually Sexy, Just Has Long Hair
Posted 2:44am Friday 5th April 2019 by The Critical Tribune
It’s another dusty Sunday morning, and you’ve woken up in another stranger’s bed. No biggie. You don’t remember much but you do remember having a great night, and you most certainly remember that some Nordic god of a man with lush, gold hair had been buying you drinks the Read more...
Hames Jeath Exerts Weird Sexual Tension In An Executive Meeting
Posted 2:44am Friday 5th April 2019 by The Critical Tribune
OUSA President Hames Jeath brought last week’s executive meeting to a standstill by taking a moment to tell his colleagues that they “light a fire under [his] belly.” This was met by a very stunned and sexually confused silence. When one of the other executive members finally Read more...
Third-Year Awkwardly Makes Eye-Contact With Primary School Classmate
Posted 2:43am Friday 5th April 2019 by The Critical Tribune
“In my defense,” began Ceridwyn Tentacles, “I wasn’t actually sure whether or not it was the person I was thinking of. It’s been a hot minute since Primary, after all.” But despite this, Ceridwyn was confident in her decision to approach the Critical Tribune about Read more...
Horoscopes | Issue 07
Posted 2:38am Friday 5th April 2019 by Critic
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18 Aquarius, you are a busy worker and are designed for getting stuff done. The hive’s survival depends on you. This week’s turn on: tutor over your shoulder breathing down your neck Pisces Feb 19 - Mar 20 Stars are looking good for Read more...
How to Get Drunk Without Drinking?
Posted 9:03pm Thursday 4th April 2019 by Gordon Oliver
Hey! Do you love getting drunk, but have a fear of liquids? Then do I have the recipe for you. Jelly shots are an easy way to get sloshed. They go down easy, don’t make you feel bloated and are ideally suited for those with tiny bladders. Ingredients: 85g Jelly Read more...
Critic Booze Reviews | Emerson's Bird Dog
Posted 8:55pm Thursday 4th April 2019 by Sinkpiss Plath
Dear readers, if you had to combine two animals together in some kind of fucked up sexual experiment, your mind might not naturally reach for a Bird and a Dog. Sure, it’s nice and all, but there are such better options. For example, a Giraffe and a Goose, or an Elephant and a Mouse. The key is Read more...
UoO Moaningful Confessions | Issue 07
Posted 8:47pm Thursday 4th April 2019 by Critic
Two summers ago, I spent much of my time travelling overseas. This was my first time travelling alone in another country. With this came a sense of freedom; I could do whatever I wanted. As a gay man, my options are rather limited. I had never been in a proper relationship with a guy before, and I Read more...
Top 10 Ways to Be A Virgin Whore
Posted 5:51pm Thursday 4th April 2019 by Critic
Wear studded leather, but wear it inside out to keep some mystery. Get some knee pads, you'll be spending a lot of time on your knees… praying obviously! Remember God's Loophole. If you're not ringing the Devil's doorbell, then he can't hear you. Duh. Have Read more...
Critic Blind Date | Notorious B.I.G. and Tupac
Posted 5:42pm Thursday 4th April 2019 by Critic
The hopeful lovers on the Critic Blind Date are provided with a meal and a bar tab, thanks to Mamacita. If you’re looking for love and want to give the Blind Date a go, email blinddate@critic.co.nz Notorious B.I.G. Okay, first of all my flatties put me up to this. I Read more...
Horoscopes | Issue 06
Posted 12:50pm Monday 1st April 2019 by Critic
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18 Powerful energies will come from within you late in this week and you will give yourself bangs or a new piercing or change to a humanities degree. This week’s Amazon E-book: Unbelievable 100% Real Time Demo of Making 100% Gain Per Year from Stock Market is Read more...
ODT Watch | Issue 06
Posted 12:42pm Monday 1st April 2019 by R. RY, Bachelor of Arts
And most of them work at the ODT!! Bazinga!!! The award for the juiciest piece of low-hanging fruit this week goes to: Don’t tell me what to do, Read more...
UoO Moaningful Confessions | Issue o6
Posted 9:31pm Thursday 28th March 2019 by Critic
Strap on your motherfuckin dildos because do we have a story for you. Back-track to Flo-week, my mate and I were ready to lower our standards and fuck anyone in a Patagonia shirt. Luckily for us, a group of our mates brought down a Patagonia poster boy for the week and you’ve never seen two Read more...
How to Be a Less Shit Cook | The Ultimate Toast Time Toasted Sandwich
Posted 9:21pm Thursday 28th March 2019 by Gordon Oliver
Toast time is a sacred ritual, a time-honoured tradition dedicated to wasting time while you pretend you’re looking at those CHEM191 notes. 150 years ago when Otago University was founded, the dark wizard Salazar Selwyn concocted the ULTIMATE toast time toasted sandwich. Fearing the power Read more...
Critic Booze Reviews | Fat Bird Sauvignon Blanc
Posted 9:18pm Thursday 28th March 2019 by Sinkpiss Plath
Whilst you fuckers are losing your shit over NZ Bird of the Year, the real bird of the year was here all along, tucked nimbly in the aisles of your common supermarket. Fat Bird Sauvignon Blanc is a weapon, an icon, a twinkle in your father’s eye. Do you have commitment issues? Are you a Read more...
Critic Blind Date | Steve and Shona
Posted 9:13pm Thursday 28th March 2019 by Critic
The hopeful lovers on the Critic Blind Date are provided with a meal and a bar tab, thanks to Mamacita. If you’re looking for love and want to give the Blind Date a go, email blinddate@critic.co.nz Steve Turning up to a restaurant which I didn't even know Read more...
Octopus “Honestly, a Fucking Sketchy Ass Animal,” Reveals Otago Marine-Bio Lecturer
Posted 9:04pm Thursday 28th March 2019 by The Critical Tribune
When Finn McGill burst the door open to the Tribune offices, soaked from head to toe, he stole the attention of the entire staff. What came next was a summary of the very true and terrifying story of the sketchy ass octopus that lives by the OUSA Aquatic Center, just off the Dunedin Read more...
Dunedin Scooter Kids Stoked Their Passion Has Found Mainstream Acceptance
Posted 9:02pm Thursday 28th March 2019 by The Critical Tribune
Critic caught up with a group of five ScooterN’SkateKids found loitering at the skatepark. They had 2 skateboards and 3 scooters between them as well as a packet of Marlborough reds. When asked if they would be moving towards the electric version of their hobbies they demurred. Frightened by Read more...
Tribune Editor Keeps Trying To Fire Chief Reporter, Fails
Posted 8:59pm Thursday 28th March 2019 by The Critical Tribune
The clash of two Tribune titans continues as Chazza O’Mazza continues to look for a loophole through which to fire Chief Reporter, Sinbad. According to a Tribune insider (me), Sinbad has been engaging in nefarious activities such as actually engaging with students for news sources, and Read more...
Peeing in Sinks Saves Enough Water to Grow an Almond
Posted 8:57pm Thursday 28th March 2019 by The Critical Tribune
Seriously, I did the math. 1 sink pee saves about 13.36 liters of water. 1 California almond requires about 12 liters of water to grow. That's 1.1 almonds per sink pee. Otago Uni has 8,565 male students. Assuming that A: lasses aren’t gonna do this whole sink-pee thing, and B: each guy Read more...
Horoscopes | Issue 05
Posted 11:46pm Thursday 21st March 2019 by Critic
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18 Be careful if Limeing this week. Your progesterone levels are critically low and you’re just so gumby right now. Mercury is in your money zone and that means it’s ok to ask your parents for a top up. There’s no reason to feel bad about it, everyone Read more...
Top 10 Ways to Look After Your Friends
Posted 10:09pm Thursday 21st March 2019 by Critic
1. Know their favourite food, where to get it and be able to get it ASAP, for if you sense they aren’t feeling all that happy. 2. Get to know their parents or a sibling, if possible. Even if you just meet them once. At uni, there is usually a divide between our friends and our family Read more...
Critic Blind Date | Romeo and Juliet
Posted 10:07pm Thursday 21st March 2019 by Critic
The hopeful lovers on the Critic Blind Date are provided with a meal and a bar tab, thanks to Mamacita. If you’re looking for love and want to give the Blind Date a go, email blinddate@critic.co.nz Romeo I was pretty excited, to tell the truth. Why? I’ve never Read more...
UoO Moaningful Confessions | Issue o5
Posted 10:04pm Thursday 21st March 2019 by Critic
I was going through a hoe phase at the start of last year, and I’m not ashamed of it. I was swiping up a storm on tinder, matching with cuties all day long. There was one particular boy that took my eye. I remember seeing him around a lot, and I was excited that I could finally talk to him. Read more...
Uber Eats Voucher Distributor Just Wants to See Family Again
Posted 9:33pm Thursday 14th March 2019 by The Critical Tribune
Felix Manducare, who has been ‘employed’ by Uber Eats to stand at the corner of Albany and Great King and give out vouchers to the disinterested tide of streaming passerby, has not eaten in the last 72 hours, has not slept in 86 hours, and is starting to develop severe carotid Read more...
Velvet Drapes “Not A Waste Of OUSA’s Money”
Posted 9:32pm Thursday 14th March 2019 by The Critical Tribune
Hames Jeath, OUSA President, has long since claimed that 2019 is the year of “doing things” for students. Previous years have always been very apprehensive about spending any of their students’ money, meaning that this year’s exec has been left with a respectable war chest. Read more...
Pressing Remote Button Harder Brings Batteries Back to Life, Says Stupid Flatmate Breaking Your Remote
Posted 9:31pm Thursday 14th March 2019 by The Critical Tribune
If this fails, Ryan’s future strategies are likely to include: taking the remote closer to the TV, taking the remote closer to the TV and pushing harder, taking the batteries out and switching them round, or in a worst case scenario, taking the batteries out and breathing on them for several Read more...
Broke Students Can Only Afford to Burn Half a Couch
Posted 9:30pm Thursday 14th March 2019 by The Critical Tribune
The party at the “Sik Lads” flat on Castle Street was already dying down at 1 a.m. when the Tribune arrived to review it. The crowd - once a sizable 150 people - had dwindled to only 30. Chazza, one of the hosts, said that when he heard a gaggle of second year girls calling their party Read more...
ODT Watch | Issue 04
Posted 8:06pm Thursday 14th March 2019 by R. RY, Bachelor of Arts
It’s another week of ODT Watch. You know what that means: This week the ODT perfectly captured my feelings about the ODT: Although the flourishing doesn’t seem to apply to their journalists’ bedrooms: Surely this could have been phrased Read more...
Top 10 Ways to Fall in Love With Your Flatmate
Posted 8:03pm Thursday 14th March 2019 by Critic
Your hands accidentally bump while doing the dishes one night. You laugh softly and flick a bubble of dishwashing liquid at them. At night, drifting off to sleep, your heart feels oddly clean and new, as if it, too, had been washed. Slowly, and then all at once. On Tinder you come across them Read more...
UoO Moaningful Confessions | Issue o4
Posted 6:34pm Thursday 14th March 2019 by Critic
OK so I'm not much of a writer but I have been thinking about this for a very long time and I reckon the Critic readers might get a wee buzz out of it so here goes. Last year I was in Unicol and me and my friend's friend Matt* were out on the piss after a party. We were at Macs when we met Read more...
How to Be a Less Shit Cook : Miso Aubergine on Pearl Couscous
Posted 6:31pm Thursday 14th March 2019 by Gordon Oliver
Of the five different tastes the tongue can detect, umami is perhaps the hardest to describe or define. It is often called the meat taste or the savoury taste, but this is kinda hard to pin down. The only concrete definition is that umami is the taste of glutamates, such as MSG. I guess in the end Read more...
C.S. Brewis and George Pourwell's Guide to Little Fat Lamb
Posted 6:26pm Thursday 14th March 2019 by George Pourwell
Little Fat Lamb are still pretty fresh on the scene of getting scarfies loose, having only been around for about 3 years, but they sure have made a name for themselves. Here’s a rundown on each flavour and what they say about you. The Holy Trinity Ginger: Ginger is your Read more...
Critic Blind Date | Coach Carr and Trang Pak
Posted 6:15pm Thursday 14th March 2019 by Critic
The hopeful lovers on the Critic Blind Date are provided with a meal and a bar tab, thanks to Mamacita. If you’re looking for love and want to give the Blind Date a go, email blinddate@critic.co.nz Coach Carr My first blind date. Where to begin, this was a first for me. Nerves Read more...
UoO Moaningful Confessions | One Sad Fluffer
Posted 10:13pm Thursday 7th March 2019 by Critic
Back in 2015 my rabbit, Mr Fluffy, died, and I was grief-ravaged. I know that sounds like a joke, but I was a fresher living away from home for the first time, neck-deep in the shit creek that is HSFY, hadn’t made any friends in my hall, and my childhood pet had died. To top it off I Read more...
10 Ways to Die on a Lime
Posted 9:54pm Thursday 7th March 2019 by Critic
1. Ride down Castle St. in the rain and skid on a puddle, falling head first into a bin of shattered Speight’s bottles. Cause of death: party foul 2. Take too many selfies while riding and crash into the Leith Cause of death: vanity 3. Ride Read more...
Lecturer Makes Snide Comment About Student Attendance, Not Realising He’s Died and Become a Ghost
Posted 9:47pm Thursday 7th March 2019 by The Critical Tribune
“Samuel Bronk?! I’ve never met this person. Are they even taking this paper?” said Classics lecturer Harold McHuckley, as he read out the roll of people supposed to be taking his 700-level paper CLAS767: The Foreskin in Classical Croatian Pottery. Unfortunately for Associate Read more...
ODT Watch | Issue 03
Posted 6:46pm Thursday 7th March 2019 by R. RY, Bachelor of Arts
Every week before I open, with trembling hands, the hallowed pages of the ODT I say to myself, “Don’t get your hopes up, Bazza. There’s no way they can come up with a better pun than they did last week. Even genius stoops to mediocrity now and then”. But every week I dare to Read more...
Currency
Posted 6:12pm Thursday 7th March 2019 by Bart English
If I had a dollar for every time someone Wanted my 2 cents, I’d be able to sell them for the price of a penny my thoughts. And once I’d have enough, I’d exchange all that spare change, sell that silver spoon I’ve been suckling on as Read more...
How to Be a Less Shit Cook | Tuesday Night n Day Deals
Posted 5:45pm Thursday 7th March 2019 by Gordon Oliver
One of the most important things to learn in martial arts is when not to use martial arts. The same applies to cooking. So this week I present: The Tuesday Night ‘n Day Deals Ranked From Best to Worst: 1. $2 Criss-Cross Chips For some reason potato Read more...
Critic Booze Reviews | Diesel
Posted 5:42pm Thursday 7th March 2019 by Sinkpiss Plath
Naming a beverage after a kind of petrol is a pretty questionable business decision. I get the vibe they were probably going for – “It’s like fuel, for your body!” but instead Diesel comes across as smelly and messy as its namesake. If I wanted body fuel I would go with an Up Read more...
Critic Blind Date | Issue 03
Posted 5:41pm Thursday 7th March 2019 by Critic
The hopeful lovers on the Critic Blind Date are provided with a meal and a bar tab, thanks to Mamacita. If you’re looking for love and want to give the Blind Date a go, email blinddate@critic.co.nz HER Okay so right off the bat if you’re here for a super juicy Read more...
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