Archive
First Year Philosophy Major Hospitalised After Thinking Too Hard
Posted 6:01pm Thursday 25th July 2019 by The Critical Tribune
Last Friday, first-year Philosophy student Chase Hughes had to be rushed to the emergency room after he contemplated so hard that his brain exploded. Hughes’s flatmates gathered the loose pieces of cranium in an old Domino’s box and carried him to the hospital. After 12 hours of Read more...
Local Cowboy Severely Misunderstood 'Barnes Dance' Crossing
Posted 6:00pm Thursday 25th July 2019 by The Critical Tribune
Otago based yeehaw cattleman Arthur Mustang arrived at one of the centre city Barnes Dance crossings last week expecting a barn dance. Mustang waited for an hour before double-checking the details of the barn dance he was expecting. Mustang said "Well I'll be! I was standing at that Read more...
Critic Blind Date | Elton and Freddie
Posted 5:49pm Thursday 25th July 2019 by Critic
The hopeful lovers on the Critic Blind Date are provided with a meal and a bar tab, thanks to Mamacita. If you’re looking for love and want to give the Blind Date a go, email blinddate@critic.co.nz Elton When I found out that I was gonna get to be part of the Read more...
ODT Watch | The Five Stages of Encountering A Small Penis
Posted 5:20pm Friday 19th July 2019 by R. RY, Bachelor of Arts
1. You see the tiny beast, and are in immediate mourning for your genitalia 2. He puts it in and your worst fears are confirmed. 3. After a few thrusts, you’re warming up to the action, maybe there’s potential Read more...
Dunedin Crumbles to Nothingness as Steepest Street Cruelly Snatched Away
Posted 5:18pm Friday 19th July 2019 by The Critical Tribune
This morning the rats fled the city. They swept past old men sobbing in gutters, and young children staring vacantly into the distance. They swept down the disappointing gradient of the-street-formerly-known-as-the-steepest-street-in-the-world and past the Mayor as he pleaded with the Guinness Read more...
Top 10 (Naughtiest) Things Heard Through The Dunedin Museum Whisper Dish
Posted 5:05pm Friday 19th July 2019 by Critic
1. A lady asking to speak to the manager because of the service she received, but it’s actually Harlene Hayne asking to speak to God. 2. “You and your sister need to cut it out. The neighbours are getting concerned." 3. Adolf Hitler’s speech to the Reichstag on 30 Read more...
UoO Moaningful Confessions | Riding the Hershey Highway
Posted 5:04pm Friday 19th July 2019 by Critic
As a gay man, it is always known that there is some "risk" involved when someone wants to ride the Hershey highway. This story from a few years ago always haunts me back when I begun being a pretentious slut. I was browsing the guys on more then one app looking for someone to have some fun Read more...
Horoscopes | Issue 16
Posted 5:02pm Friday 19th July 2019 by Critic
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18 Mercury retrograde is nearly over. Chahoo. Make the most of it by moving the furniture around in your room. Show off to your flatmates when you are finished. This week’s old wives’ wisdom: pull out that grey hair and 5 more are gonna grow back. Trust Read more...
Booze Reviews: Bacardi White Rum
Posted 4:52pm Friday 19th July 2019 by Sinkpiss Plath
Fuck me, but Bacardi White Rum can get it. It being my glazed doughnut genitalia, of course. This smooth, succulent motherfucker of a drink is more jam packed with accents of vanilla and almond than you can shake a baby at. It’s flavour-town, my dudes, and we’re going straight to the Read more...
Critic Blind Date | Issue 16
Posted 2:11am Friday 19th July 2019 by Critic
The hopeful lovers on the Critic Blind Date are provided with a meal and a bar tab, thanks to Mamacita. If you’re looking for love and want to give the Blind Date a go, email blinddate@critic.co.nz Part One: His Superdry shirt made me Superwet, so our entree was a Read more...
ODT Watch | Issue 15
Posted 12:36am Friday 12th July 2019 by R. RY, Bachelor of Arts
This week someone let the ODT read the thesaurus again… Then a sage warning about an upcoming crisis: We should all be mindful of World Juggling Day, specifically mindful of how to end this pagan sacrilege once and for all. We Read more...
It's 2am and Your Stupid Loser Flatmate Won't Stop Getting High and Making Noise With His Shitty Lame Friends
Posted 6:16pm Thursday 11th July 2019 by The Critical Tribune
Looks like your flatmate, Sammy, is smoking weed again. That would be all well and good if somebody in this house didn't have work in the morning. When asked why he felt the need to make so much noise and smoke weed at 2am every night, Sammy replied "oh my God, shut the fuck up. Stop Read more...
Highschooler Presenting Speech on ‘Why Speeches Are Bad’ Thinks He’s A Real Funny Cunt
Posted 6:16pm Thursday 11th July 2019 by The Critical Tribune
Jackson Collins has been left heartbroken this week after receiving a low-achieved mark in his year 11 English speech. Collins said “I was just like, sitting at home thinking about what to do my speech on, and I just thought it would be a really original and funny take on the Read more...
Student Health to Offer Vaccines for 'Fresher Plague'
Posted 6:15pm Thursday 11th July 2019 by The Critical Tribune
According to Student Health’s specialist in Dark Age ailments, Dr. Charles Lorm, "it's all coming back. First it was measles, this semester I'm betting on the black plague." The Tribune reporter had difficulty understanding Lorm’s next sentences through his doctor Read more...
Clan of Horny Goblins Raid Critic Stands Solely for Moaningful Confessions
Posted 6:15pm Thursday 11th July 2019 by The Critical Tribune
Last Monday a horde of at least 20 sex-deprived beings descended upon campus to steal as many copies of Critic as possible. It is currently unknown whether the creatures were students coming out of Winter hibernation, or actual goblins. The Critical Tribune spoke to one of the goblins briefly Read more...
Critic Blind Date | Lady and The Tramp
Posted 6:12pm Thursday 11th July 2019 by Critic
The hopeful lovers on the Critic Blind Date are provided with a meal and a bar tab, thanks to Mamacita. If you’re looking for love and want to give the Blind Date a go, email blinddate@critic.co.nz Lady On Thursday night, I was out livin’ my best life. I was Read more...
Critic Booze Reviews | Old Mout Cider
Posted 6:09pm Thursday 11th July 2019 by Sinkpiss Plath
At some point in your university education, you will inevitably go through a cider phase. Most fools automatically reach for the bright, garish Scrumpy, but a few - the few who dare to dream bigger - will dip their toes into the sparkling waters of Old Mout Cider. Drinking Old Mout is what I imagine Read more...
Horoscopes | Issue 15
Posted 6:07pm Thursday 11th July 2019 by Critic
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18 An R18 Mr Whippy van, but for cum. It’s so crazy that it just might work. This week’s website: http://111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111.com/ Pisces Feb 19 - Mar 20 If you really want to pass HSFY, it’s Read more...
UoO Moaningful Confessions | International Sexcapades
Posted 6:01pm Thursday 11th July 2019 by Critic
The downside of dating an international exchange student is that whatever meaningful connection you’ve made has a 5-month expiry date (assuming you met at the start of semester) because long-distance relationships are like the lie you tell yourself on a dusty Tuesday morning after blacking out Read more...
Top 10 Worst Messages I’ve Gotten From Straight Boys on Tinder
Posted 5:59pm Thursday 11th July 2019 by Critic
1. “Sit on my face and I’ll eat my way to your heart.” 2. “I want to nibble ever so slightly on your lower rib-cage.” 3. “I would call you beautiful, but beauty is on the inside and I haven’t been in there yet.” 4. “I want you to sit on Read more...
CDs “Still Valuable and Relevant” Says Hipster Too Poor for Vinyl
Posted 11:17pm Thursday 4th July 2019 by The Critical Tribune
Local unbearable fuckhead Greg Brookes won’t shut the fuck up about how his CD collection is “just as good as vinyl, if not better”. He also claims that streaming is “totally garbage, man. Music isn’t the same if it’s not physical”. Brookes spends his Read more...
Violent Turf War Between Botans and Woodhaugh Yoga Groups Has Zero Casualties
Posted 11:15pm Thursday 4th July 2019 by The Critical Tribune
The weekly yoga groups based in the Botanical Gardens and the Woodhaugh Gardens recently had a dramatic spat over who owns the North Ground rugby pitch. The Chief Yoga Instructor of the Woodhaugh Sun Children, Daniel “Spirit Beetle” Rogers, said, “yeah, it was an intense battle. Read more...
Aging Post-Grad Student Replaces Critic Centrefold with ‘Live, Laugh, Learn’ Poster
Posted 11:10pm Thursday 4th July 2019 by The Critical Tribune
Jennifer Rackford, 23, has removed the only remaining Critic centrefold blu-tak’d to her wall. According to her flatmates, Rackford has been slowly taking down her collection of centrefolds ever since her last birthday. When asked why she removed the original ‘Fuckboys of Read more...
That Classmate You Added on Facebook Won’t Stop Sharing Anime Memes
Posted 11:09pm Thursday 4th July 2019 by The Critical Tribune
Yep, we’re in this situation again. It turns out that guy who you’ve been sharing notes with is a massive weeb. Now that you’ve accepted his request, classes would be awkward if you delete him. Your classmate won’t stop using the term ‘uwu’ and you’re not Read more...
Top 10 Reasons the Dundas Street Bridge Construction Has Been Delayed
Posted 11:08pm Thursday 4th July 2019 by Critic
1. They found archeological remains of basic girls from 2016 - Karen Walker, Stipes, Huffer Puffers and all 2. The construction crew were “ceebs” about the whole process 3. Charlene Chainz wanted to perform a private show 4. There was a large infestation of eels 5. Fergie Read more...
UoO Moaningful Confessions | Punished by the Priest
Posted 11:07pm Thursday 4th July 2019 by Critic
It was a beautiful summer’s day, so me and my girlfriend (now ex) decided to take a lovely stroll in the public gardens. We looked like a fairly cute, lovey-dovey couple. Unfortunately, what started as a wholesome and pure date ended in me securing my place eternally in hell. My girlfriend Read more...
Horoscopes | Issue 14
Posted 11:04pm Thursday 4th July 2019 by Critic
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18 Re-O week beckons, as does Mercury in retrograde. To cleanse yourself and readjust the domestic energies, buy a stick of sage and burn it around the house. Its strong aromatic properties will help disguise the fact your mouldy piece of shit flat has been shut up Read more...
Critic Booze Reviews | Midori
Posted 11:01pm Thursday 4th July 2019 by Sinkpiss Plath
Okay, so basically Midori is some green-as-shit melon-flavoured liquor. Remember that gummy bear song on YouTube? This bitch-ass drink is the living embodiment of reliving your childhood of dry humping soft toys and listening to the Annoying Orange while your parents got a divorce in the Read more...
Critic Blind Date | Angelina and Brad
Posted 11:00pm Thursday 4th July 2019 by Critic
The hopeful lovers on the Critic Blind Date are provided with a meal and a bar tab, thanks to Mamacita. If you’re looking for love and want to give the Blind Date a go, email blinddate@critic.co.nz Angelina I've been trying to get on the Critic Blind Date for Read more...
Horoscopes | Issue 13
Posted 11:42pm Thursday 23rd May 2019 by Critic
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18 This week’s spell for a good night out with the boys: Pile all of your clothes into the centre of your room. Fetch bucket of cold sage water. Pour a dash of kerosene onto the pile of clothes and set it alight. Whisper to your burning clothing “looking Read more...
Top 10 Scariest Things from My Childhood that I've Tried to Repress
Posted 11:36pm Thursday 23rd May 2019 by Critic
1. The red screen that comes up on a PlayStation 2 when you put the wrong disc in 2. That TV ad where you watch a house burn down over the course of three separate ads 3. That old TVNZ show The Killian Curse 4. That video where they're driving down a nice field and there's a major Read more...
ODT Watch | Issue 13
Posted 10:46pm Thursday 23rd May 2019 by R. RY, Bachelor of Arts
Put that thing back where it came from or so help me. Honestly? The ODT has published a lot of filth but this takes the cake. The only kind of sex that should be promoted in any piece of media is vanilla missionary sex that lasts for 30 seconds. We bet you Read more...
Critic Booze Reviews | Ivanov Vodka
Posted 8:40pm Thursday 23rd May 2019 by Sinkpiss Plath
Ivanov Vodka is THAT bitch. A trustworthy, hard to find, bitch. She’s got your back when everyone at the party’s talking about how you slept with so-and-so, and will probably scream in the hostess’ face about third wave feminism. Ivanov Vodka is the cheapest vodka on the block, but Read more...
UoO Moaningful Confessions | Climbing the Wet Crack
Posted 8:39pm Thursday 23rd May 2019 by Critic
Had a sexual encounter that was unusual, scandalous, or spicy? Send in your moaningful confession to critic@critic.co.nz As every international exchange student knows, sometimes you need a vacation from your vacation. So, when mid-semester break rolls around, it cannot be Read more...
Critic Blind Date | Kel Knight and Kath Day-Knight
Posted 7:34pm Thursday 23rd May 2019 by Critic
The hopeful lovers on the Critic Blind Date are provided with a meal and a bar tab, thanks to Mamacita. If you’re looking for love and want to give the Blind Date a go, email blinddate@critic.co.nz KEL KNIGHT The day for the blind date rolled around and I decided to have some Read more...
Professor of Comedy Confirms: Drawing Dicks On Whiteboards is the Pinnacle of Humour
Posted 7:25pm Thursday 23rd May 2019 by The Critical Tribune
Dr. Harry Whitburn, more commonly known as Bonzo the Clown, released an official statement yesterday confirming that illustrations of masculine genitalia on whiteboards is scientifically the pinnacle of humour. Dr. Whitburn is head of Otago’s lesser-known Comedy Department, located in the Read more...
Problem-Solving Breatha Heats Entire Flat Exclusively By Burning Uber Eats Vouchers
Posted 7:23pm Thursday 23rd May 2019 by The Critical Tribune
Josh Broden has revolutionised student heating. Using simply a metal trash can and a fuckton of Uber Eats vouchers, Josh has managed to fend off hypothermia. When asked why Josh decided on Uber Eats vouchers as a unique, new type of fuel he said, “nobody actually uses these pieces of shit. Read more...
Critical Tribune Reporter’s Flatmate Needs To Learn How To Do The Fucking Dishes
Posted 7:22pm Thursday 23rd May 2019 by The Critical Tribune
Yeah, you read that right Sarah, you lazy bitch. I’ve told you so many goddamn times to just clean your dishes after you use them. You leave them on the table, on the bench, on the floor. You know, yesterday I found a sauce covered plate wedged down the back of the couch. I’m probably Read more...
Delusional Tutor Actually Expects Students To Do Readings
Posted 7:21pm Thursday 23rd May 2019 by The Critical Tribune
“I feel disappointed every single week,” said Philosophy tutor Donovan Cross. “Every Tuesday I ask who has done the readings, and nobody raises their hand. I tell them every time, you won’t get much out of the course if you don’t do the readings.” Cross said Read more...
ODT Watch | Issue 12
Posted 12:55am Friday 17th May 2019 by R. RY, Bachelor of Arts
Fresh from the writer’s festival, the ODT debuts their newest all-ages educational column, ‘Things That Can Go In Airplanes’. They’ve been freeloading in good, wholesome, capitalist Earth for too long. It has Read more...
Critic Blind Date | Inhale and Exhale
Posted 11:55pm Thursday 16th May 2019 by Critic
The hopeful lovers on the Critic Blind Date are provided with a meal and a bar tab, thanks to Mamacita. If you’re looking for love and want to give the Blind Date a go, email blinddate@critic.co.nz Inhale I had been keen to do the Blind Date for ages but it was the same night Read more...
Critic Booze Reviews | Billy Maverick
Posted 11:53pm Thursday 16th May 2019 by Sinkpiss Plath
Those who can’t make friends, write booze reviews. Those who can’t drink beer, drink Billy Mavs. Billy Mavs is, in a nutshell, a bogan drink for classy people. Did you attend Kings College? Perhaps John McGlashan High School? Maybe even St Andrew’s College? Then chances are you Read more...
UoO Moaningful Confessions | Fizzing At The Slit
Posted 11:51pm Thursday 16th May 2019 by Critic
Had a sexual encounter that was unusual, scandalous, or spicy? Send in your moaningful confession to critic@critic.co.nz One night after some drinks at a mate’s I’m feeling spicy, one of my flatmates is dead asleep and the other two are away for the weekend, so I Read more...
Top 10 Ways to Disappoint Your Parents
Posted 11:50pm Thursday 16th May 2019 by Critic
1. Be the admin of a meme page 2. Be a white person with dreads 3. Spoil the last episode of Game of Thrones 4. Get in fights on Stuff article comments 5. Pretend your vibrator is actually your phone on silent mode 6. Drink Nitro 7. Wear your high school leavers jersey four years Read more...
Screaming Child Doesn’t Seem To Under The Concept of a ‘Whisper Dish’
Posted 11:44pm Thursday 16th May 2019 by The Critical Tribune
“What the fuck are they doing?” said Jasper, a third-year student trying to enjoy her lunch outside the museum. “The instructions are more than clear, you whisper into the dish, and the other person hears you. What’s the point of yelling into the dish if your friend is Read more...
Film Major Insists New Game Of Thrones Season Would Be Better if They Just Let Him Direct It
Posted 11:44pm Thursday 16th May 2019 by The Critical Tribune
Second-year MFCO student Daniel Morgan claims that the eighth season of HBO’s hit show Game Of Thrones is “total garbage”. Morgan believes that ever since season 5 the show has been going downhill. Morgan told The Critical Tribune that he has a solution that would fix Read more...
Central Librarians Cut Out Tounge of Everyone Entering “Quiet Zone”
Posted 11:43pm Thursday 16th May 2019 by The Critical Tribune
Piling up offerings for their dark God of Silence, the Blood Librarians of Central moved their lips in soundless patterns as they cavorted around the growing pile of tongues. “Mmm nmn mn mnmnm,” one toungeless student told the Tribune. Read more...
Critical Tribune Announce Hostile Takeover of The Tenancy Tribunal
Posted 11:42pm Thursday 16th May 2019 by The Critical Tribune
A restructure of the governmental ‘super-department’ Ministry of Business, Innovation, Tenancy, Churches, and Employment Services (MyBITCHES) was going to plan, until some sly bureaucracy left Tenancy Services in the lurch. After tenuous bidding referred to as a Read more...
ODT Watch | Issue 11
Posted 4:45pm Friday 10th May 2019 by Critic
Not satisfied with merely bringing us the juiciest news, the ODT has delved into the realm of the mysterious. Two possibilities: 1. rocks, sand, silt and biological matter in various states of decay, or 2. a smaller Lake Wakatipu. The monster down there has refused to Read more...
Top 10 Things to Say As You Cum
Posted 8:40pm Thursday 9th May 2019 by Critic
Bazinga Cheeeeaaahoooooo This is the University of Otago Uh oh The warning siren that plays when the library is about to close Quotes from your favourite Vines The grunt Tim Allen makes from Home Improvement All the lyrics to The Cha Cha Slide by DJ Casper aka Mr. C. The Slide Man Read more...
Man With Incredibly Loud Car Actually Does Have Huge Penis
Posted 8:38pm Thursday 9th May 2019 by The Critical Tribune
“Okay, sure, I rev my engine when I see girls on the side of the street, but that doesn’t mean I’m compensating for anything!” Disgruntled Dodger Challenger owner, Chad “The Man” Zipper, told the Tribune. Chad told the Tribune he has resorted to reassuring Read more...
Student Banned From Unipol for Grunting While Covered in Chalk
Posted 8:37pm Thursday 9th May 2019 by The Critical Tribune
Area man and student, Steve Grieve (23), has been banned from his university’s fitness centre for using chalk and repetitively grunting while using the weights machine. Despite clearly posted signs forbidding either activity, Steve told the Critical Tribune that he’s “confused and Read more...
English Lecturer Just Reads Off Author’s Wikipedia Page for Whole Lecture
Posted 8:37pm Thursday 9th May 2019 by The Critical Tribune
A local English lecturer has given up actually teaching in his lectures and resorted to the time-hounoured fuck-around that is reading out an author’s Wikipedia page. One student the Tribune spoke to was amazed at the wealth of knowledge available to her in the lecture. “It is Read more...
Mother Makes Son Promise He “Won’t Burn Down The Flat” After Purchasing Single Candle
Posted 8:35pm Thursday 9th May 2019 by The Critical Tribune
Agatha Thompson, mother of four, recently caught her son, Christian Thompson (19), with a single unused candle on his dresser while visiting his flat last Thursday. Agatha refused to believe her son when he told her “I’m not going to light it while drunk, Mum. Nobody even thinks Read more...
UoO Moaningful Confessions | Pissed Off
Posted 8:30pm Thursday 9th May 2019 by Critic
The night started off like any other, pre drinking with the gals and as per usual we took things a little bit too far. We somehow made our way to town, and skipped the line and walked straight on into the bar. It was at this moment we locked eyes (first mistake). So, what started off with a girls Read more...
Horoscopes | Issue 11
Posted 8:15pm Thursday 9th May 2019 by Critic
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18 Please be patient; National Dairy Goat Awareness Week is next month. This week’s belated Mothers’ Day gift: ToeSox Grip Pilates Barre Socks-Non Slip Ankle Half Toe for Yoga and Ballet. Colour options include fuchsia, chill, retro, diamond freesia and Read more...
Critic Booze Reviews | Malibu
Posted 8:05pm Thursday 9th May 2019 by Sinkpiss Plath
You should only drink Malibu if you never, under any circumstances, are the one paying for it. Yes, it’s fruity and delicious. Yes, drinking it makes me want to show everyone my cute new bra at a party. But Jesus Christ, it is expensive for what little alcohol it holds. Buying Malibu at a Read more...
Critic Blind Date | Jacob Black and Edward Cullen
Posted 8:03pm Thursday 9th May 2019 by Critic
The hopeful lovers on the Critic Blind Date are provided with a meal and a bar tab, thanks to Mamacita. If you’re looking for love and want to give the Blind Date a go, email blinddate@critic.co.nz Jacob Black I turned up a couple minutes before my date, with a Read more...
Critic Booze Reviews | How to do a Yardie: 101
Posted 2:22am Friday 3rd May 2019 by Sinkpiss Plath
Doing a yardie on your 21st is one of those delightful gems of tradition that still brings a tear to my eye. Watching young third years, year after year, continue to fuck themselves up in the name of a good Instagram caption, well, it’s heart-warming really. And everyone says first years are Read more...
ODT Watch | Issue 10
Posted 9:57pm Thursday 2nd May 2019 by R. RY, Bachelor of Arts
This week the ODT brings us some wisdom: A little-known Shakespeare fact is that “meteor” is slang for vagina. And the real meteors are the friends you make along the way. The balance of the universe is Read more...
Rebellious Vaper on Campus Claims They “Don’t Give A Fuck, Man”
Posted 7:45pm Thursday 2nd May 2019 by The Critical Tribune
Jonathan ‘The Cloud’ Matthews insists that the Vape Free signs around campus won’t keep him down. “It’s like, a human right dude. It can’t hurt you,” said Matthews, in between rips of vanilla-cola flavoured vapour. Campus Watch responded to his continual Read more...
American Exchange Student Really Excited to Show You Their New Tattoo
Posted 7:43pm Thursday 2nd May 2019 by The Critical Tribune
“I got it because I just really, really care about the ocean, and, like, the environment and stuff. Yeah,” says American who thinks the only way to express something even somewhat meaningful to them is by getting it permanently detailed on their skin. “I just got it done in Read more...
Classmate You Think is Smart Actually Just Blindly Confident
Posted 7:41pm Thursday 2nd May 2019 by The Critical Tribune
Think about it. You know the person I’m talking about. You trust what they say when they give you advice because it sounds good, not because it’s obviously correct. They don’t even believe what they’re saying, they’re just using you as a sounding board to see if you Read more...
It’s Time to Return All the Dishware You’ve Been Hoarding in Your Bedroom to the Kitchen
Posted 7:41pm Thursday 2nd May 2019 by The Critical Tribune
You know who you are. This is your wake-up call. It’s seriously disgusting and the flat needs the other half of their dining supplies. People are starting to get desperate. Yesterday, one of your flatmates used their textbook as a plate because you’ve got the other six stacked up next to Read more...
UoO Moaningful Confessions | Admission to Submission
Posted 6:45pm Thursday 2nd May 2019 by Critic
It all started with my drunken admission of my dream threesome with my two besties, Elle* and Jay*. To put this in context, my dry spell had lasted months and was now bleeding into my first year of Uni. Surprisingly this suggestion actually led somewhere. It is decided that the threesome shall be Read more...
Critic Blind Date | Adam Sandler and Drew Barrymore
Posted 6:42pm Thursday 2nd May 2019 by Critic
The hopeful lovers on the Critic Blind Date are provided with a meal and a bar tab, thanks to Mamacita. If you’re looking for love and want to give the Blind Date a go, email blinddate@critic.co.nz Adam Sandler My date greeted me with a nervous but sweet smile and a Read more...
Top 10 ways to tell someone you have an STI
Posted 6:33pm Thursday 2nd May 2019 by Critic
Emojis. There’s no better way to tell your Tinder hookup from a month ago about your pubic lice than sending a crab and eggplant emoji side by side. Hire a sky writer to write a message announcing your chlamydia. The sky’s the limit. Make a public declaration on Facebook. Bonus Read more...
ODT Watch | Issue 09
Posted 2:06am Friday 26th April 2019 by R. RY, Bachelor of Arts
This week the ODT are being heartbreakingly self-aware. For some reason, there was a lot of feet related content this week. Really? Because when I walked into the polling booth on my hands and picked up the pen with my prehensile toes, they called me an Read more...
UoO Moaningful Confessions | Bloody Hell
Posted 9:04pm Thursday 25th April 2019 by Critic
Two years ago, I had been out on a date with my (now ex) girlfriend. We'd gotten back into her sleep out at her parents place and were going at it like a couple of pornstars. Despite both of us being really into it, we'd be going for awhile, and didn't have any lube. As we were doing Read more...
Horoscopes | Issue 09
Posted 8:56pm Thursday 25th April 2019 by Critic
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18 Pluto is going to be in your spiritual zone until exam time so be careful about going to $3 lunch from now on. One more “hello smiley” directed at you might send you over the edge and before you know it you’ll be the one in the kitchen chanting while Read more...
Critic Booze Reviews | Speight's
Posted 8:40pm Thursday 25th April 2019 by Sinkpiss Plath
In ye ol’ Dunedin, there used to be three icons of the metropolitan city. One was the beloved Cadbury factory, blessed be her name. Gone but not forgotten. Another was the albatross colony, until people realized that they were just like seagulls if you squint a bit. Last but not least, Read more...
Critic Blind Date | Clarke and Jacinda
Posted 8:38pm Thursday 25th April 2019 by Critic
The hopeful lovers on the Critic Blind Date are provided with a meal and a bar tab, thanks to Mamacita. If you’re looking for love and want to give the Blind Date a go, email blinddate@critic.co.nz Clarke I discussed the criteria of an ideal date with my flatmates, Read more...
Confused Freshers Go To Hyde - Central Otago
Posted 8:36pm Thursday 25th April 2019 by The Critical Tribune
“You going to Hyde this weekend?” “Yeah bro!” In what can only be described as a ‘wholesome fuckup’, Middlemarch native Harry Henderson (18) drove down State Highway 87 to the small Central Otago township of Hyde after hearing heaps of hype for Hyde. While Read more...
Leith River Found to Contain Traces of MDMA
Posted 8:33pm Thursday 25th April 2019 by The Critical Tribune
In a recent study undertaken by KnowYourDrugsNZ, the Leith has been found to be 7% MDMA. Experts theorise the recent Hyde Street Keg Party is largely to blame, with an “influx of pingers” hitting Dunedin streets (and apparently the rivers). Students are gearing up for what looks to be Read more...
Man Who Wore Sombrero to Flat Party Not Actually Mexican
Posted 8:32pm Thursday 25th April 2019 by The Critical Tribune
“It’s true. I’m not Mexican,” revealed Jackson Whitely, while wearing a sombrero and maracas to a local, un-themed flat party. When asked what his ethnicity actually is by Tribune reporters, he responded “Cantabrian.” In an independent investigation, it was found Read more...
Conditions Worsen in Communist East Dundas
Posted 8:32pm Thursday 25th April 2019 by The Critical Tribune
If you look at Dundas Street from space (and really, why else would anyone ever go into space), you’ll see a tragic sight. One side of the Dundas Wall is sparkling and joyful, with many lights burning in a homage to the glories of unbridled capitalism. On the other side, however, in Communist Read more...
Top 10 Ways to Remind your Flatmate to do their Dishes
Posted 8:30pm Thursday 25th April 2019 by Critic
1. Put a sad face on a post-it note 2. Message the group chat a friendly reminder, hehe! 3. Do it for them! Surely they'll remember next time!!!! 4. Lock the dishes in a cupboard that only you, the keeper of keys, know the combination to. They will only get access once they prove their Read more...
ODT Watch | Issue 08
Posted 1:55am Friday 12th April 2019 by R. RY, Bachelor of Arts
This week, the Otago Daily Times came to the ground-breaking discovery that and ODT Watch is sure there’s no old men at the ODT. In other news: But still not confident enough to make the first move. Get it together, Simon. She’s waiting for Read more...
Horoscopes | Issue 08
Posted 6:40pm Thursday 11th April 2019 by Critic
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18 To be a breather is not simply to breathe. To be a breather, one must step into the shoes of those that came before them, step back out of those shoes, pour a Billy Mav into said shoes, and sip upon the sweet nectar from sole to soul. Are you ready for your holy Read more...
Cockroach Living Behind Rubbish Bin in Kitchen Agrees, You Definitely Needed to Add More Garlic to that Sauce
Posted 6:33pm Thursday 11th April 2019 by The Critical Tribune
“I mean, Christ on a crisp, the stuff was bloody bland, feel?” muttered the cockroach. “I been living here a year and a half, and the last girls that lived in this flat were making risotto, baking pies… Hell, they even spilled wine on the regular. I loved mopping that shit Read more...
Guy Who Has Seen All 720 Episodes of Naruto Now Most Skilled Brawler in Dunedin
Posted 6:33pm Thursday 11th April 2019 by The Critical Tribune
An unnamed local Dunedin man, 35, who spent the last month watching all 720 episodes of the anime Naruto, has reportedly defeated eight men, three women and two stray dogs in hand-to-hand combat around the city centre in the last four days. He owes his success to what he described to the Read more...
Semen Oozing From Used Condom in the Rubbish Bin Behind Starters Would’ve Been the Guy Who Cured Cancer
Posted 6:32pm Thursday 11th April 2019 by The Critical Tribune
Congealing in a gluey puddle surrounded by millions of his dying brothers and sisters, their silent sperm screams went tragically unheard. The single sperm that, in a different timeline, would have become Archibald A. Arnold (Man of Science! Curer of All Disease! Long may his great name be spoken!), Read more...
Girls Who Admitted They Enjoy Receiving Dick Pics Online Actually Just Guy Who Sends Dick Pics Operating Under Fake Instagram Handles
Posted 6:32pm Thursday 11th April 2019 by The Critical Tribune
“It’s not like it’s not fuckin true, huhuh,” chuckled Chad Stuttfield, the 19-year-old behind @haileysims11, @jessica_blackkkk and @caseyrae_stevensen, three Instagram handles which responded to an online poll that “Yes”, they enjoyed receiving unsolicited Read more...
Top 10 Ways to Pay Off Your Student Loan
Posted 6:23pm Thursday 11th April 2019 by Critic
Fake your own death and reinvent yourself in Greece. Learn advanced hacking, infiltrate the IRD as network tech staff and delete your account altogether. Begin your tuition in 2018 onwards so you don’t even have one, you spoilt little fucks. Have kinky sex with a member of ACT Read more...
UoO Moaningful Confessions | Issue 08
Posted 5:59pm Thursday 11th April 2019 by Critic
Going from kinky sex all the time to suddenly single was quite a shock. I realised that I no longer enjoyed boring missionary one-night stands. This lead to me hooking up with a past ex who was having the same problem as me. It was a fun few sessions, but I knew I didn’t want to continue Read more...
Critic Booze Reviews | Pimm's
Posted 5:56pm Thursday 11th April 2019 by Sinkpiss Plath
Pimm’s is the perfect drink for the perfect day. On one of those rare Dunner stunners, when the Leith only vaguely smells like piss and the grass resembles Prince William’s head pre-balding, a glass of Pimm’s is the wholesome content you deserve. The drink is weirdly associated Read more...
Critic Blind Date | Mr. Darcy and Elizabeth
Posted 5:53pm Thursday 11th April 2019 by Critic
The hopeful lovers on the Critic Blind Date are provided with a meal and a bar tab, thanks to Mamacita. If you’re looking for love and want to give the Blind Date a go, email blinddate@critic.co.nz Mr. Darcy I had no idea what to expect. But, to build up some Read more...
ODT Watch | Issue 07
Posted 3:06am Friday 5th April 2019 by R. RY, Bachelor of Arts
This week, the Otago Daily Times set out on a good old-fashioned road trip. What could they have discovered? The solitary traffic light in Kaitangata? The shed in Milton that has a smiley face with a ballsack for a nose? The gay nightlife of Gore? Hell. I’m in Hell. At least Read more...
That Weed Wasn’t Laced, You’re Just Way Too High, New Study Shows
Posted 2:46am Friday 5th April 2019 by The Critical Tribune
In a ground-breaking study done by the University of Otago, it turns out that the weed you smoked two weeks ago was not, in fact, laced. You just have a low tolerance and were trying way too hard to impress your flatmate’s stoner friends. The study was seen by Top Scientist, Dr Shelle Read more...
Sexy Breatha Not Actually Sexy, Just Has Long Hair
Posted 2:44am Friday 5th April 2019 by The Critical Tribune
It’s another dusty Sunday morning, and you’ve woken up in another stranger’s bed. No biggie. You don’t remember much but you do remember having a great night, and you most certainly remember that some Nordic god of a man with lush, gold hair had been buying you drinks the Read more...
Hames Jeath Exerts Weird Sexual Tension In An Executive Meeting
Posted 2:44am Friday 5th April 2019 by The Critical Tribune
OUSA President Hames Jeath brought last week’s executive meeting to a standstill by taking a moment to tell his colleagues that they “light a fire under [his] belly.” This was met by a very stunned and sexually confused silence. When one of the other executive members finally Read more...
Third-Year Awkwardly Makes Eye-Contact With Primary School Classmate
Posted 2:43am Friday 5th April 2019 by The Critical Tribune
“In my defense,” began Ceridwyn Tentacles, “I wasn’t actually sure whether or not it was the person I was thinking of. It’s been a hot minute since Primary, after all.” But despite this, Ceridwyn was confident in her decision to approach the Critical Tribune about Read more...
Horoscopes | Issue 07
Posted 2:38am Friday 5th April 2019 by Critic
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18 Aquarius, you are a busy worker and are designed for getting stuff done. The hive’s survival depends on you. This week’s turn on: tutor over your shoulder breathing down your neck Pisces Feb 19 - Mar 20 Stars are looking good for Read more...
How to Get Drunk Without Drinking?
Posted 9:03pm Thursday 4th April 2019 by Gordon Oliver
Hey! Do you love getting drunk, but have a fear of liquids? Then do I have the recipe for you. Jelly shots are an easy way to get sloshed. They go down easy, don’t make you feel bloated and are ideally suited for those with tiny bladders. Ingredients: 85g Jelly Read more...
Critic Booze Reviews | Emerson's Bird Dog
Posted 8:55pm Thursday 4th April 2019 by Sinkpiss Plath
Dear readers, if you had to combine two animals together in some kind of fucked up sexual experiment, your mind might not naturally reach for a Bird and a Dog. Sure, it’s nice and all, but there are such better options. For example, a Giraffe and a Goose, or an Elephant and a Mouse. The key is Read more...
UoO Moaningful Confessions | Issue 07
Posted 8:47pm Thursday 4th April 2019 by Critic
Two summers ago, I spent much of my time travelling overseas. This was my first time travelling alone in another country. With this came a sense of freedom; I could do whatever I wanted. As a gay man, my options are rather limited. I had never been in a proper relationship with a guy before, and I Read more...
Top 10 Ways to Be A Virgin Whore
Posted 5:51pm Thursday 4th April 2019 by Critic
Wear studded leather, but wear it inside out to keep some mystery. Get some knee pads, you'll be spending a lot of time on your knees… praying obviously! Remember God's Loophole. If you're not ringing the Devil's doorbell, then he can't hear you. Duh. Have Read more...
Critic Blind Date | Notorious B.I.G. and Tupac
Posted 5:42pm Thursday 4th April 2019 by Critic
The hopeful lovers on the Critic Blind Date are provided with a meal and a bar tab, thanks to Mamacita. If you’re looking for love and want to give the Blind Date a go, email blinddate@critic.co.nz Notorious B.I.G. Okay, first of all my flatties put me up to this. I Read more...
Horoscopes | Issue 06
Posted 12:50pm Monday 1st April 2019 by Critic
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18 Powerful energies will come from within you late in this week and you will give yourself bangs or a new piercing or change to a humanities degree. This week’s Amazon E-book: Unbelievable 100% Real Time Demo of Making 100% Gain Per Year from Stock Market is Read more...
ODT Watch | Issue 06
Posted 12:42pm Monday 1st April 2019 by R. RY, Bachelor of Arts
And most of them work at the ODT!! Bazinga!!! The award for the juiciest piece of low-hanging fruit this week goes to: Don’t tell me what to do, Read more...
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