Archive
Top 10 Things You Could Have Done Over Mid-Semester Break if Your Life Was More Together
Posted 10:46pm Thursday 29th August 2019 by Critic
1. Masturbate. For the entire time. 2. Catch up on those assignments you've been avoiding. 3. Catch up on all of that weed you could have been smoking. 4. Snoop through your flatmates’ bedrooms while they're at home for the week. 5. Roam around campus. Soak in the Read more...
UoO Moaningful Confessions | The Room
Posted 10:45pm Thursday 29th August 2019 by Critic
Had a sexual encounter that was unusual, scandalous, or spicy? Send in your moaningful confession to critic@critic.co.nz To set the scene. I had installed Tinder and had trouble building momentum for the first few weeks. All the guys seemed to be the same breather, dropping Read more...
Horoscopes | Issue 21
Posted 10:30pm Thursday 29th August 2019 by Critic
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18 Stand in the lounge facing the flatmate you hate the most. Hold your hands up, make them mirror your actions. Start weeping, break the distance, hold them close. This week’s lunchbox trade: Blue Moosie Pisces Feb 19 - Mar 20 No wonder Read more...
Critic Booze Reviews | Gordon’s Gin and Tonic
Posted 10:24pm Thursday 29th August 2019 by Sinkpiss Plath
There’re times in one’s life when you just have to say "fuck it" and drink G&T in a can. For those who are experiencing the bleakness of life’s existence, just drink Gordon’s Gin and Tonic RTD 12-pack and get it over with. For me, a G&T is what I drink when Read more...
Critic Blind Date | Aristotle and Plato
Posted 10:14pm Thursday 29th August 2019 by Critic
The hopeful lovers on the Critic Blind Date are provided with a meal and a bar tab, thanks to Mamacita. If you’re looking for love and want to give the Blind Date a go, email blinddate@critic.co.nz Aristotle My night started off with my two (female) friends blasting Read more...
Top 10 Most Kissable Animals
Posted 11:04pm Saturday 17th August 2019 by Critic
Moray eels. Swoon! There’s a reason their name sounds like the Latin word for “love”. What’s more romantic than a trustworthy partner? Kiss a tiger and know that, despite the fact they could horrifically maim or kill you, they’re making out with you Read more...
Lecturer Has Actually Used a Computer in The Past
Posted 8:40pm Saturday 17th August 2019 by The Critical Tribune
Lecturer who can’t even get the projector to work swears that he “knows a lot about technology” and even claims to create his own PowerPoints. “I didn’t know what was happening,” Terrence Technophobe (PhD) told the Tribune. “Usually when I press that button Read more...
Philosophy Student Mistakenly Believes That Everyone at Party is Fascinated By Dead Greeks.
Posted 8:40pm Saturday 17th August 2019 by The Critical Tribune
“He wouldn’t shut up,” said one unfortunate victim. “He kept talking about ‘Plato’s Allegory’. More like ‘Plato’s alle-snorey’.” Another partygoer said that nobody even knew who he was, and that he just appeared out from under the Read more...
Dumpy Plain Girl With Good Sense of Humour Wishes that More Guys Would Ask Her About Her Friends
Posted 8:39pm Saturday 17th August 2019 by The Critical Tribune
Local 24-year-old office admin assistant Stacey has recently confessed to sources that she would be having the time of her life in this pub, if only some more guys could befriend her and ask her about her thinner, blonder friend Laura. “It’s just really frustrating,” Stacey told Read more...
Gran’s New Reading Glasses Coming in Real Handy For Reading Jayden’s New All-Script Tattoo
Posted 8:38pm Saturday 17th August 2019 by The Critical Tribune
“I know the kids are all getting the tattoos these days,” said 71-year-old Barbara. “And so when my grandson Jayden got one on his back, I thought ‘ooh! I need my glasses to see this’ so I went and put them on and I was touched to see a Bible passage.” Sources Read more...
UoO Moaningful Confessions | Broken By A Birthday Bonk
Posted 8:38pm Saturday 17th August 2019 by Critic
Had a sexual encounter that was unusual, scandalous, or spicy? Send in your moaningful confession to critic@critic.co.nz I remember it like it was yesterday. March 25, 2017. It was my boyfriend at the time’s birthday, and was I saving the best gift for last. After Read more...
Horoscopes | Issue 20
Posted 8:32pm Saturday 17th August 2019 by Critic
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18 Not being able to sweat isn’t a personality, Aquarius. This week’s fashion icon: Bruce the Neopet. This week’s fashion faux pas: Crimped hair. Pisces Feb 19 - Mar 20 Everyone shits the bed at some point in their life, Pisces. Read more...
Critic Booze Reviews | Booze Reviews: Chasseur Cask Medium White Wine
Posted 8:23pm Saturday 17th August 2019 by Sinkpiss Plath
Ring the wedding bells; I’m getting married. That’s right, I’ve found the one. Well, kind of. I don’t mean she’s as sexy as tequila or as good in bed as Jägermeister. She’s a far throw from my childhood love (RTDs, I miss you) but I'm a third year now, Read more...
Critic Blind Date | Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson
Posted 8:22pm Saturday 17th August 2019 by Critic
The hopeful lovers on the Critic Blind Date are provided with a meal and a bar tab, thanks to Mamacita. If you’re looking for love and want to give the Blind Date a go, email blinddate@critic.co.nz Lindsay Lohan After hyping myself up to apply for the gay edition of Read more...
ODT Watch | Issue 20
Posted 8:18pm Saturday 17th August 2019 by R. RY, Bachelor of Arts
This week the ODT have some hard-hitting questions Yes. Next, Winston Peters’ mother has something to fucking say “No one apart from my son, Winston S. Peters, should be allowed to vote.” Winston was later heard saying, “Shuduuuup Mum, Read more...
ODT Watch | Issue 19
Posted 2:49pm Monday 12th August 2019 by R. RY, Bachelor of Arts
This week, the ODT is reporting on a miraculous occurrence. “MAGIC’S NOT REAL.” I cried into my pillow, insanely jealous. The ODT have been getting really into classic children’s film Monsters Inc. (2001), directed by Pete Docter.Rude. Mike Wazowski is a Read more...
Communist East Dundas Opens New Student Pub, “We-Bar”
Posted 4:54pm Sunday 11th August 2019 by The Critical Tribune
The East Dundas soup line has a new competitor as students queue up to grab a pint from We-Bar for only 12,000 Breathamark (roughly converted to NZD $5). The new gastropub was unveiled by the Most Honourable Commander Härleen Veda Hajne herself, headlined by local bands “I’m So Read more...
Girl Resolves to Turn Over New Leaf With a Facemask and Goals During Sunday’s Comedown
Posted 4:53pm Sunday 11th August 2019 by The Critical Tribune
Michaela’s life has been falling apart this year. Uni has overwhelmed her, her GPA has slipped, her fitness regime has fallen off the perch and she’s been partying too hard. “I can change,” Michaela told sources recently. “I just need to have visions and goals and some Read more...
Postgrad Student Walks Back to Castle Street at 5pm to Move Car
Posted 4:53pm Sunday 11th August 2019 by The Critical Tribune
“Oh shit look at the time,” said local postgraduate student Patrick Glaze (24) as his alarm buzzed. “It’s almost 5pm and it’s getting dark. Those young hooligans will be pouring down Castle in their droves, destroying everything in their wake. I’d better go move Read more...
Local Woman Reckons She Would Fare Pretty Well In Prison
Posted 4:52pm Sunday 11th August 2019 by The Critical Tribune
After binge watching the full series of Netflix's Jailbirds, 32-year-old Sara was recently overheard telling friends that she would be sweet as in jail. "I've got lots of tattoos and I'm quite big so I reckon nobody would mess with me," she declared. She figures that with her Read more...
Top 10 Fun Things to Do at The Hospital
Posted 4:51pm Sunday 11th August 2019 by Critic
1. Try out the robots. There are robots everywhere. If you don’t know what they do, find out! Push some buttons, twist some knobs, who knows what that goddamned android will come up with! 2. Get a catheter. The place is lousy with nurses, and surely if you ask enough of them, one will be Read more...
UoO Moaningful Confessions | Tinder Threesome Taped to Telephone
Posted 4:47pm Sunday 11th August 2019 by Critic
Had a sexual encounter that was unusual, scandalous, or spicy? Send in your moaningful confession to critic@critic.co.nz It was a Wednesday like any other. It had been grey and wet all day, and something about the sound of rain on the roof of the chemistry building had me Read more...
Horoscopes | Issue 19
Posted 4:39pm Sunday 11th August 2019 by Critic
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18 The stars are mourning the death of one of the gr8s, Toni Morrison. Honour your fellow Aquarius this week by reading one of her books. Or any book, even. This week’s meet up: Monday 10am, second floor Central, PS 3563 08749. Pisces Feb 19 - Mar Read more...
Critic Booze Reviews | Water
Posted 4:33pm Sunday 11th August 2019 by Sinkpiss Plath
Alcohol is great and all, but you know what’s better? Staying hydrated. The ol’ H20, baby. This one goes out to all you water lovers in the house tonight. Water was first invented by Speight’s in 1998. Fun fact, that spring water tap was actually created as an April Fools joke Read more...
Critic Blind Date | Fiona and Shrek
Posted 4:30pm Sunday 11th August 2019 by Critic
The hopeful lovers on the Critic Blind Date are provided with a meal and a bar tab, thanks to Mamacita. If you’re looking for love and want to give the Blind Date a go, email blinddate@critic.co.nz Fiona As soon as I arrived on my exchange, I knew kiwi dick was Read more...
Student Led Lemonade Stand Forcibly Removed From Meridian Mall
Posted 8:22pm Sunday 4th August 2019 by The Critical Tribune
Duhamel Bosworth, CEO of Totally Legit Lemonade, was removed from mall grounds last weekend. When security asked Bosworth to present paperwork proving that his stall was permitted in the mall, he presented them with a handwritten note that was "super legit, absolutely real" and not written Read more...
Fucking Sick: Those Guys Just Kicked Over a Rubbish Bin
Posted 8:21pm Sunday 4th August 2019 by The Critical Tribune
Bro, fuck yeah. That shit is fucking hilarious. See the way it fell over? And all that garbage fell out? Fuck yeah. Broooo that pizza box just blew onto the road. Know what would be real funny? If someone had to pick all that shit up. Haha, fucking idiots. I bet the garbage dudes are gunna be Read more...
Innovative Marine Biology Major Installs Fish Nets in Leith River, Catches Rare Selection of Billy Mav Cans
Posted 8:20pm Sunday 4th August 2019 by The Critical Tribune
Finn Jameson has been looking for a way to make his name known in the competitive world of marine biology, and he might just have caught his big break. Jameson’s thesis was about whether or not the sheer volume of breatha garbage in the Leith was forcing the marine life in the area to grow Read more...
Entire Witchcraft 102 Class Disintegrates After Surprise Rain On Fieldtrip
Posted 8:20pm Sunday 4th August 2019 by The Critical Tribune
All students of Witchcraft 102: Hexes In Contemporary Society were reduced to ash after a shock shower last Thursday. “It’s an absolute tragedy. We had such a promising class of crones this year,” said the lecturer for the class, Ethel Turtleback. Miss Turtleback refused to Read more...
Horoscopes | Issue 18
Posted 8:13pm Sunday 4th August 2019 by Critic
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18 The new moon left your relationship zone last week and it’s time to do some oversharing with acquaintances, strangers and work colleagues. This week’s crime: You let yourself down. It’s time to revenge porn yourself. Pisces Feb 19 - Read more...
Critic Booze Reviews | Kahlúa
Posted 8:08pm Sunday 4th August 2019 by Sinkpiss Plath
Have you ever woken up in the morning and thought to yourself ‘I want a very, very mediocre cappuccino’ (and can’t be bothered walking to Good Earth)? When the urge strikes, I go straight to Kahlúa. Kahlúa is a coffee flavoured liqueur, for those of you who are Read more...
Critic Blind Date | Molly Mae and Maura
Posted 8:04pm Sunday 4th August 2019 by Critic
The hopeful lovers on the Critic Blind Date are provided with a meal and a bar tab, thanks to Mamacita. If you’re looking for love and want to give the Blind Date a go, email blinddate@critic.co.nz Molly Mae It all started two weeks ago when Critic posted that they Read more...
UoO Moaningful Confessions | The Ear Piercing Pegger
Posted 8:01pm Sunday 4th August 2019 by Critic
Had a sexual encounter that was unusual, scandalous, or spicy? Send in your moaningful confession to critic@critic.co.nz I had my bed against the wall of my flatmates room, and recently just got a girlfriend who is incredible in bed. Like dirty af, loves Read more...
Critic Booze Reviews | Pepe Lopez Gold Tequila
Posted 4:34am Friday 26th July 2019 by Sinkpiss Plath
My dear readers, recently I found out some devastating news. Masterchef Australia has lost its three beautiful judges: George, Matt and Gary. For those of you that are fans of the beloved cooking show, this will come as a blow that may never be truly recovered from. With the weight of these Read more...
UoO Moaningful Confessions | Valliant Vomiter Vandalises Venue
Posted 1:24am Friday 26th July 2019 by Critic
t was my 20th birthday. I was probably the most smashed I have ever been; to the point where I am legitimately surprised that I remembeIr this much. I went to town after a few too many brews (and far too many cones) with no ambition to go home with anyone, but once being introduced to this guy Read more...
Top 10 Reasons To Drink In Your 30s
Posted 1:09am Friday 26th July 2019 by Critic
1. You watch your friends have kids and although you couldn't imagine anything worse, you start to realize the reason you don't want kids is because you grew up knowing that you were an annoying piece of shit that was a total hassle, so that's what kids mean to you now. 2. You hate Read more...
Mould Growing on Bathroom Ceiling Actually New Form of Cheese
Posted 6:02pm Thursday 25th July 2019 by The Critical Tribune
Fourth-year Human Nutrition student Emma Greenwood recently discovered that what she previously thought was deadly black mould is actually a delicious new form of cheese. She said, “My flatmate spilled a bottle of milk upstairs last semester, and we all kinda couldn’t be bothered to Read more...
Scarfie With Flaming Couch Tattoo Never Burned a Couch In His Life
Posted 6:01pm Thursday 25th July 2019 by The Critical Tribune
Third-year Biology student Thomas King has been showing off his latest tattoo, which depicts an iconic Otago University couch burning. However, new evidence has shown that King has never having actually burned a couch. Some have claimed that King’s tattoo is cultural appropriation, and that Read more...
First Year Philosophy Major Hospitalised After Thinking Too Hard
Posted 6:01pm Thursday 25th July 2019 by The Critical Tribune
Last Friday, first-year Philosophy student Chase Hughes had to be rushed to the emergency room after he contemplated so hard that his brain exploded. Hughes’s flatmates gathered the loose pieces of cranium in an old Domino’s box and carried him to the hospital. After 12 hours of Read more...
Local Cowboy Severely Misunderstood 'Barnes Dance' Crossing
Posted 6:00pm Thursday 25th July 2019 by The Critical Tribune
Otago based yeehaw cattleman Arthur Mustang arrived at one of the centre city Barnes Dance crossings last week expecting a barn dance. Mustang waited for an hour before double-checking the details of the barn dance he was expecting. Mustang said "Well I'll be! I was standing at that Read more...
Critic Blind Date | Elton and Freddie
Posted 5:49pm Thursday 25th July 2019 by Critic
The hopeful lovers on the Critic Blind Date are provided with a meal and a bar tab, thanks to Mamacita. If you’re looking for love and want to give the Blind Date a go, email blinddate@critic.co.nz Elton When I found out that I was gonna get to be part of the Read more...
ODT Watch | The Five Stages of Encountering A Small Penis
Posted 5:20pm Friday 19th July 2019 by R. RY, Bachelor of Arts
1. You see the tiny beast, and are in immediate mourning for your genitalia 2. He puts it in and your worst fears are confirmed. 3. After a few thrusts, you’re warming up to the action, maybe there’s potential Read more...
Dunedin Crumbles to Nothingness as Steepest Street Cruelly Snatched Away
Posted 5:18pm Friday 19th July 2019 by The Critical Tribune
This morning the rats fled the city. They swept past old men sobbing in gutters, and young children staring vacantly into the distance. They swept down the disappointing gradient of the-street-formerly-known-as-the-steepest-street-in-the-world and past the Mayor as he pleaded with the Guinness Read more...
Top 10 (Naughtiest) Things Heard Through The Dunedin Museum Whisper Dish
Posted 5:05pm Friday 19th July 2019 by Critic
1. A lady asking to speak to the manager because of the service she received, but it’s actually Harlene Hayne asking to speak to God. 2. “You and your sister need to cut it out. The neighbours are getting concerned." 3. Adolf Hitler’s speech to the Reichstag on 30 Read more...
UoO Moaningful Confessions | Riding the Hershey Highway
Posted 5:04pm Friday 19th July 2019 by Critic
As a gay man, it is always known that there is some "risk" involved when someone wants to ride the Hershey highway. This story from a few years ago always haunts me back when I begun being a pretentious slut. I was browsing the guys on more then one app looking for someone to have some fun Read more...
Horoscopes | Issue 16
Posted 5:02pm Friday 19th July 2019 by Critic
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18 Mercury retrograde is nearly over. Chahoo. Make the most of it by moving the furniture around in your room. Show off to your flatmates when you are finished. This week’s old wives’ wisdom: pull out that grey hair and 5 more are gonna grow back. Trust Read more...
Booze Reviews: Bacardi White Rum
Posted 4:52pm Friday 19th July 2019 by Sinkpiss Plath
Fuck me, but Bacardi White Rum can get it. It being my glazed doughnut genitalia, of course. This smooth, succulent motherfucker of a drink is more jam packed with accents of vanilla and almond than you can shake a baby at. It’s flavour-town, my dudes, and we’re going straight to the Read more...
Critic Blind Date | Issue 16
Posted 2:11am Friday 19th July 2019 by Critic
The hopeful lovers on the Critic Blind Date are provided with a meal and a bar tab, thanks to Mamacita. If you’re looking for love and want to give the Blind Date a go, email blinddate@critic.co.nz Part One: His Superdry shirt made me Superwet, so our entree was a Read more...
ODT Watch | Issue 15
Posted 12:36am Friday 12th July 2019 by R. RY, Bachelor of Arts
This week someone let the ODT read the thesaurus again… Then a sage warning about an upcoming crisis: We should all be mindful of World Juggling Day, specifically mindful of how to end this pagan sacrilege once and for all. We Read more...
It's 2am and Your Stupid Loser Flatmate Won't Stop Getting High and Making Noise With His Shitty Lame Friends
Posted 6:16pm Thursday 11th July 2019 by The Critical Tribune
Looks like your flatmate, Sammy, is smoking weed again. That would be all well and good if somebody in this house didn't have work in the morning. When asked why he felt the need to make so much noise and smoke weed at 2am every night, Sammy replied "oh my God, shut the fuck up. Stop Read more...
Highschooler Presenting Speech on ‘Why Speeches Are Bad’ Thinks He’s A Real Funny Cunt
Posted 6:16pm Thursday 11th July 2019 by The Critical Tribune
Jackson Collins has been left heartbroken this week after receiving a low-achieved mark in his year 11 English speech. Collins said “I was just like, sitting at home thinking about what to do my speech on, and I just thought it would be a really original and funny take on the Read more...
Student Health to Offer Vaccines for 'Fresher Plague'
Posted 6:15pm Thursday 11th July 2019 by The Critical Tribune
According to Student Health’s specialist in Dark Age ailments, Dr. Charles Lorm, "it's all coming back. First it was measles, this semester I'm betting on the black plague." The Tribune reporter had difficulty understanding Lorm’s next sentences through his doctor Read more...
Clan of Horny Goblins Raid Critic Stands Solely for Moaningful Confessions
Posted 6:15pm Thursday 11th July 2019 by The Critical Tribune
Last Monday a horde of at least 20 sex-deprived beings descended upon campus to steal as many copies of Critic as possible. It is currently unknown whether the creatures were students coming out of Winter hibernation, or actual goblins. The Critical Tribune spoke to one of the goblins briefly Read more...
Critic Blind Date | Lady and The Tramp
Posted 6:12pm Thursday 11th July 2019 by Critic
The hopeful lovers on the Critic Blind Date are provided with a meal and a bar tab, thanks to Mamacita. If you’re looking for love and want to give the Blind Date a go, email blinddate@critic.co.nz Lady On Thursday night, I was out livin’ my best life. I was Read more...
Critic Booze Reviews | Old Mout Cider
Posted 6:09pm Thursday 11th July 2019 by Sinkpiss Plath
At some point in your university education, you will inevitably go through a cider phase. Most fools automatically reach for the bright, garish Scrumpy, but a few - the few who dare to dream bigger - will dip their toes into the sparkling waters of Old Mout Cider. Drinking Old Mout is what I imagine Read more...
Horoscopes | Issue 15
Posted 6:07pm Thursday 11th July 2019 by Critic
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18 An R18 Mr Whippy van, but for cum. It’s so crazy that it just might work. This week’s website: http://111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111.com/ Pisces Feb 19 - Mar 20 If you really want to pass HSFY, it’s Read more...
UoO Moaningful Confessions | International Sexcapades
Posted 6:01pm Thursday 11th July 2019 by Critic
The downside of dating an international exchange student is that whatever meaningful connection you’ve made has a 5-month expiry date (assuming you met at the start of semester) because long-distance relationships are like the lie you tell yourself on a dusty Tuesday morning after blacking out Read more...
Top 10 Worst Messages I’ve Gotten From Straight Boys on Tinder
Posted 5:59pm Thursday 11th July 2019 by Critic
1. “Sit on my face and I’ll eat my way to your heart.” 2. “I want to nibble ever so slightly on your lower rib-cage.” 3. “I would call you beautiful, but beauty is on the inside and I haven’t been in there yet.” 4. “I want you to sit on Read more...
CDs “Still Valuable and Relevant” Says Hipster Too Poor for Vinyl
Posted 11:17pm Thursday 4th July 2019 by The Critical Tribune
Local unbearable fuckhead Greg Brookes won’t shut the fuck up about how his CD collection is “just as good as vinyl, if not better”. He also claims that streaming is “totally garbage, man. Music isn’t the same if it’s not physical”. Brookes spends his Read more...
Violent Turf War Between Botans and Woodhaugh Yoga Groups Has Zero Casualties
Posted 11:15pm Thursday 4th July 2019 by The Critical Tribune
The weekly yoga groups based in the Botanical Gardens and the Woodhaugh Gardens recently had a dramatic spat over who owns the North Ground rugby pitch. The Chief Yoga Instructor of the Woodhaugh Sun Children, Daniel “Spirit Beetle” Rogers, said, “yeah, it was an intense battle. Read more...
Aging Post-Grad Student Replaces Critic Centrefold with ‘Live, Laugh, Learn’ Poster
Posted 11:10pm Thursday 4th July 2019 by The Critical Tribune
Jennifer Rackford, 23, has removed the only remaining Critic centrefold blu-tak’d to her wall. According to her flatmates, Rackford has been slowly taking down her collection of centrefolds ever since her last birthday. When asked why she removed the original ‘Fuckboys of Read more...
That Classmate You Added on Facebook Won’t Stop Sharing Anime Memes
Posted 11:09pm Thursday 4th July 2019 by The Critical Tribune
Yep, we’re in this situation again. It turns out that guy who you’ve been sharing notes with is a massive weeb. Now that you’ve accepted his request, classes would be awkward if you delete him. Your classmate won’t stop using the term ‘uwu’ and you’re not Read more...
Top 10 Reasons the Dundas Street Bridge Construction Has Been Delayed
Posted 11:08pm Thursday 4th July 2019 by Critic
1. They found archeological remains of basic girls from 2016 - Karen Walker, Stipes, Huffer Puffers and all 2. The construction crew were “ceebs” about the whole process 3. Charlene Chainz wanted to perform a private show 4. There was a large infestation of eels 5. Fergie Read more...
UoO Moaningful Confessions | Punished by the Priest
Posted 11:07pm Thursday 4th July 2019 by Critic
It was a beautiful summer’s day, so me and my girlfriend (now ex) decided to take a lovely stroll in the public gardens. We looked like a fairly cute, lovey-dovey couple. Unfortunately, what started as a wholesome and pure date ended in me securing my place eternally in hell. My girlfriend Read more...
Horoscopes | Issue 14
Posted 11:04pm Thursday 4th July 2019 by Critic
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18 Re-O week beckons, as does Mercury in retrograde. To cleanse yourself and readjust the domestic energies, buy a stick of sage and burn it around the house. Its strong aromatic properties will help disguise the fact your mouldy piece of shit flat has been shut up Read more...
Critic Booze Reviews | Midori
Posted 11:01pm Thursday 4th July 2019 by Sinkpiss Plath
Okay, so basically Midori is some green-as-shit melon-flavoured liquor. Remember that gummy bear song on YouTube? This bitch-ass drink is the living embodiment of reliving your childhood of dry humping soft toys and listening to the Annoying Orange while your parents got a divorce in the Read more...
Critic Blind Date | Angelina and Brad
Posted 11:00pm Thursday 4th July 2019 by Critic
The hopeful lovers on the Critic Blind Date are provided with a meal and a bar tab, thanks to Mamacita. If you’re looking for love and want to give the Blind Date a go, email blinddate@critic.co.nz Angelina I've been trying to get on the Critic Blind Date for Read more...
Horoscopes | Issue 13
Posted 11:42pm Thursday 23rd May 2019 by Critic
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18 This week’s spell for a good night out with the boys: Pile all of your clothes into the centre of your room. Fetch bucket of cold sage water. Pour a dash of kerosene onto the pile of clothes and set it alight. Whisper to your burning clothing “looking Read more...
Top 10 Scariest Things from My Childhood that I've Tried to Repress
Posted 11:36pm Thursday 23rd May 2019 by Critic
1. The red screen that comes up on a PlayStation 2 when you put the wrong disc in 2. That TV ad where you watch a house burn down over the course of three separate ads 3. That old TVNZ show The Killian Curse 4. That video where they're driving down a nice field and there's a major Read more...
ODT Watch | Issue 13
Posted 10:46pm Thursday 23rd May 2019 by R. RY, Bachelor of Arts
Put that thing back where it came from or so help me. Honestly? The ODT has published a lot of filth but this takes the cake. The only kind of sex that should be promoted in any piece of media is vanilla missionary sex that lasts for 30 seconds. We bet you Read more...
Critic Booze Reviews | Ivanov Vodka
Posted 8:40pm Thursday 23rd May 2019 by Sinkpiss Plath
Ivanov Vodka is THAT bitch. A trustworthy, hard to find, bitch. She’s got your back when everyone at the party’s talking about how you slept with so-and-so, and will probably scream in the hostess’ face about third wave feminism. Ivanov Vodka is the cheapest vodka on the block, but Read more...
UoO Moaningful Confessions | Climbing the Wet Crack
Posted 8:39pm Thursday 23rd May 2019 by Critic
Had a sexual encounter that was unusual, scandalous, or spicy? Send in your moaningful confession to critic@critic.co.nz As every international exchange student knows, sometimes you need a vacation from your vacation. So, when mid-semester break rolls around, it cannot be Read more...
Critic Blind Date | Kel Knight and Kath Day-Knight
Posted 7:34pm Thursday 23rd May 2019 by Critic
The hopeful lovers on the Critic Blind Date are provided with a meal and a bar tab, thanks to Mamacita. If you’re looking for love and want to give the Blind Date a go, email blinddate@critic.co.nz KEL KNIGHT The day for the blind date rolled around and I decided to have some Read more...
Professor of Comedy Confirms: Drawing Dicks On Whiteboards is the Pinnacle of Humour
Posted 7:25pm Thursday 23rd May 2019 by The Critical Tribune
Dr. Harry Whitburn, more commonly known as Bonzo the Clown, released an official statement yesterday confirming that illustrations of masculine genitalia on whiteboards is scientifically the pinnacle of humour. Dr. Whitburn is head of Otago’s lesser-known Comedy Department, located in the Read more...
Problem-Solving Breatha Heats Entire Flat Exclusively By Burning Uber Eats Vouchers
Posted 7:23pm Thursday 23rd May 2019 by The Critical Tribune
Josh Broden has revolutionised student heating. Using simply a metal trash can and a fuckton of Uber Eats vouchers, Josh has managed to fend off hypothermia. When asked why Josh decided on Uber Eats vouchers as a unique, new type of fuel he said, “nobody actually uses these pieces of shit. Read more...
Critical Tribune Reporter’s Flatmate Needs To Learn How To Do The Fucking Dishes
Posted 7:22pm Thursday 23rd May 2019 by The Critical Tribune
Yeah, you read that right Sarah, you lazy bitch. I’ve told you so many goddamn times to just clean your dishes after you use them. You leave them on the table, on the bench, on the floor. You know, yesterday I found a sauce covered plate wedged down the back of the couch. I’m probably Read more...
Delusional Tutor Actually Expects Students To Do Readings
Posted 7:21pm Thursday 23rd May 2019 by The Critical Tribune
“I feel disappointed every single week,” said Philosophy tutor Donovan Cross. “Every Tuesday I ask who has done the readings, and nobody raises their hand. I tell them every time, you won’t get much out of the course if you don’t do the readings.” Cross said Read more...
ODT Watch | Issue 12
Posted 12:55am Friday 17th May 2019 by R. RY, Bachelor of Arts
Fresh from the writer’s festival, the ODT debuts their newest all-ages educational column, ‘Things That Can Go In Airplanes’. They’ve been freeloading in good, wholesome, capitalist Earth for too long. It has Read more...
Critic Blind Date | Inhale and Exhale
Posted 11:55pm Thursday 16th May 2019 by Critic
The hopeful lovers on the Critic Blind Date are provided with a meal and a bar tab, thanks to Mamacita. If you’re looking for love and want to give the Blind Date a go, email blinddate@critic.co.nz Inhale I had been keen to do the Blind Date for ages but it was the same night Read more...
Critic Booze Reviews | Billy Maverick
Posted 11:53pm Thursday 16th May 2019 by Sinkpiss Plath
Those who can’t make friends, write booze reviews. Those who can’t drink beer, drink Billy Mavs. Billy Mavs is, in a nutshell, a bogan drink for classy people. Did you attend Kings College? Perhaps John McGlashan High School? Maybe even St Andrew’s College? Then chances are you Read more...
UoO Moaningful Confessions | Fizzing At The Slit
Posted 11:51pm Thursday 16th May 2019 by Critic
Had a sexual encounter that was unusual, scandalous, or spicy? Send in your moaningful confession to critic@critic.co.nz One night after some drinks at a mate’s I’m feeling spicy, one of my flatmates is dead asleep and the other two are away for the weekend, so I Read more...
Top 10 Ways to Disappoint Your Parents
Posted 11:50pm Thursday 16th May 2019 by Critic
1. Be the admin of a meme page 2. Be a white person with dreads 3. Spoil the last episode of Game of Thrones 4. Get in fights on Stuff article comments 5. Pretend your vibrator is actually your phone on silent mode 6. Drink Nitro 7. Wear your high school leavers jersey four years Read more...
Screaming Child Doesn’t Seem To Under The Concept of a ‘Whisper Dish’
Posted 11:44pm Thursday 16th May 2019 by The Critical Tribune
“What the fuck are they doing?” said Jasper, a third-year student trying to enjoy her lunch outside the museum. “The instructions are more than clear, you whisper into the dish, and the other person hears you. What’s the point of yelling into the dish if your friend is Read more...
Film Major Insists New Game Of Thrones Season Would Be Better if They Just Let Him Direct It
Posted 11:44pm Thursday 16th May 2019 by The Critical Tribune
Second-year MFCO student Daniel Morgan claims that the eighth season of HBO’s hit show Game Of Thrones is “total garbage”. Morgan believes that ever since season 5 the show has been going downhill. Morgan told The Critical Tribune that he has a solution that would fix Read more...
Central Librarians Cut Out Tounge of Everyone Entering “Quiet Zone”
Posted 11:43pm Thursday 16th May 2019 by The Critical Tribune
Piling up offerings for their dark God of Silence, the Blood Librarians of Central moved their lips in soundless patterns as they cavorted around the growing pile of tongues. “Mmm nmn mn mnmnm,” one toungeless student told the Tribune. Read more...
Critical Tribune Announce Hostile Takeover of The Tenancy Tribunal
Posted 11:42pm Thursday 16th May 2019 by The Critical Tribune
A restructure of the governmental ‘super-department’ Ministry of Business, Innovation, Tenancy, Churches, and Employment Services (MyBITCHES) was going to plan, until some sly bureaucracy left Tenancy Services in the lurch. After tenuous bidding referred to as a Read more...
ODT Watch | Issue 11
Posted 4:45pm Friday 10th May 2019 by Critic
Not satisfied with merely bringing us the juiciest news, the ODT has delved into the realm of the mysterious. Two possibilities: 1. rocks, sand, silt and biological matter in various states of decay, or 2. a smaller Lake Wakatipu. The monster down there has refused to Read more...
Top 10 Things to Say As You Cum
Posted 8:40pm Thursday 9th May 2019 by Critic
Bazinga Cheeeeaaahoooooo This is the University of Otago Uh oh The warning siren that plays when the library is about to close Quotes from your favourite Vines The grunt Tim Allen makes from Home Improvement All the lyrics to The Cha Cha Slide by DJ Casper aka Mr. C. The Slide Man Read more...
Man With Incredibly Loud Car Actually Does Have Huge Penis
Posted 8:38pm Thursday 9th May 2019 by The Critical Tribune
“Okay, sure, I rev my engine when I see girls on the side of the street, but that doesn’t mean I’m compensating for anything!” Disgruntled Dodger Challenger owner, Chad “The Man” Zipper, told the Tribune. Chad told the Tribune he has resorted to reassuring Read more...
Student Banned From Unipol for Grunting While Covered in Chalk
Posted 8:37pm Thursday 9th May 2019 by The Critical Tribune
Area man and student, Steve Grieve (23), has been banned from his university’s fitness centre for using chalk and repetitively grunting while using the weights machine. Despite clearly posted signs forbidding either activity, Steve told the Critical Tribune that he’s “confused and Read more...
English Lecturer Just Reads Off Author’s Wikipedia Page for Whole Lecture
Posted 8:37pm Thursday 9th May 2019 by The Critical Tribune
A local English lecturer has given up actually teaching in his lectures and resorted to the time-hounoured fuck-around that is reading out an author’s Wikipedia page. One student the Tribune spoke to was amazed at the wealth of knowledge available to her in the lecture. “It is Read more...
Mother Makes Son Promise He “Won’t Burn Down The Flat” After Purchasing Single Candle
Posted 8:35pm Thursday 9th May 2019 by The Critical Tribune
Agatha Thompson, mother of four, recently caught her son, Christian Thompson (19), with a single unused candle on his dresser while visiting his flat last Thursday. Agatha refused to believe her son when he told her “I’m not going to light it while drunk, Mum. Nobody even thinks Read more...
UoO Moaningful Confessions | Pissed Off
Posted 8:30pm Thursday 9th May 2019 by Critic
The night started off like any other, pre drinking with the gals and as per usual we took things a little bit too far. We somehow made our way to town, and skipped the line and walked straight on into the bar. It was at this moment we locked eyes (first mistake). So, what started off with a girls Read more...
Horoscopes | Issue 11
Posted 8:15pm Thursday 9th May 2019 by Critic
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18 Please be patient; National Dairy Goat Awareness Week is next month. This week’s belated Mothers’ Day gift: ToeSox Grip Pilates Barre Socks-Non Slip Ankle Half Toe for Yoga and Ballet. Colour options include fuchsia, chill, retro, diamond freesia and Read more...
Critic Booze Reviews | Malibu
Posted 8:05pm Thursday 9th May 2019 by Sinkpiss Plath
You should only drink Malibu if you never, under any circumstances, are the one paying for it. Yes, it’s fruity and delicious. Yes, drinking it makes me want to show everyone my cute new bra at a party. But Jesus Christ, it is expensive for what little alcohol it holds. Buying Malibu at a Read more...
Critic Blind Date | Jacob Black and Edward Cullen
Posted 8:03pm Thursday 9th May 2019 by Critic
The hopeful lovers on the Critic Blind Date are provided with a meal and a bar tab, thanks to Mamacita. If you’re looking for love and want to give the Blind Date a go, email blinddate@critic.co.nz Jacob Black I turned up a couple minutes before my date, with a Read more...
Critic Booze Reviews | How to do a Yardie: 101
Posted 2:22am Friday 3rd May 2019 by Sinkpiss Plath
Doing a yardie on your 21st is one of those delightful gems of tradition that still brings a tear to my eye. Watching young third years, year after year, continue to fuck themselves up in the name of a good Instagram caption, well, it’s heart-warming really. And everyone says first years are Read more...
ODT Watch | Issue 10
Posted 9:57pm Thursday 2nd May 2019 by R. RY, Bachelor of Arts
This week the ODT brings us some wisdom: A little-known Shakespeare fact is that “meteor” is slang for vagina. And the real meteors are the friends you make along the way. The balance of the universe is Read more...
Rebellious Vaper on Campus Claims They “Don’t Give A Fuck, Man”
Posted 7:45pm Thursday 2nd May 2019 by The Critical Tribune
Jonathan ‘The Cloud’ Matthews insists that the Vape Free signs around campus won’t keep him down. “It’s like, a human right dude. It can’t hurt you,” said Matthews, in between rips of vanilla-cola flavoured vapour. Campus Watch responded to his continual Read more...
American Exchange Student Really Excited to Show You Their New Tattoo
Posted 7:43pm Thursday 2nd May 2019 by The Critical Tribune
“I got it because I just really, really care about the ocean, and, like, the environment and stuff. Yeah,” says American who thinks the only way to express something even somewhat meaningful to them is by getting it permanently detailed on their skin. “I just got it done in Read more...
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