Horoscopes | Issue 14


Jan 20 - Feb 18

Re-O week beckons, as does Mercury in retrograde. To cleanse yourself and readjust the domestic energies, buy a stick of sage and burn it around the house. Its strong aromatic properties will help disguise the fact your mouldy piece of shit flat has been shut up for the last three weeks.

This week’s late night escapade: cry to your mother on the phone



Feb 19 - Mar 20

This week you will feel compelled to go for a long walk through the botans to make sense of your feelings - don’t. Instead, sink a bottle of Kristov and text your fuck-buddy.

This week’s late night escapade: fold all the clothes in your draws like Marie Kondo, don’t sleep until the deed is done



Mar 21 - Apr 19

Hate to break it to you Aries, but your health could soon take a turn for the worst. Eat 2 pineapple lumps and shelve one cola bottle (sour) at breakfast and lunch to keep sickness at bay. Make sure to keep washing your hands.

This week’s late night escapade: sleep soundly knowing you are now of optimum health



Apr 20 - May 20

Boredom is written in your stars Taurus and allows for the ascendance of ego. Tone it down or else you’ll be getting sexually and platonically rejected this weekend.

This week’s late night escapade: train the mouse that lives behind your oven to fit inside your ralph cap so you can make a mean spag bol for the boys !!1!



May 21 - Jun 20

This week chaos reigns supreme. Jupiter’s position in your fifth house tells you to “just fkn send it”. As for that weird noise your car keeps making? Just ignore it.

This week’s late night escapade: with the consumption of each alcoholic beverage, drink a glass of water



Jun 21 - July 22

Confidence within the realms of self-expression and emotional intelligence come to the forefront this week. While your body may be restless, your mind is like the calm surface of a lake. Tell your flatmate that you just want them to hold you.

This week’s late night escapade: ditch ACs to write a beautiful poem



July 23 - Aug 22

Hold onto ur beanies because as of July 7 it’s Leo’s Mercury retrograde. During a Leo Mercury Retrograde in 1998, Microsoft was investigated by the Department of Justice for monopoly practices. This is no coincidence. Make sure to cover your laptop’s camera with a sticker.

This week’s late night escapade: buy a camping stove from Kathmandu and make damper in the lounge



Aug 23 - Sep 22

Someone close to you mentioned a trip to Queenstown. This week you must plan. Withdraw all your money from the bank and sit atop of it for a two week incubation period. This will ensure there are sufficient funds in time.

This week’s late night escapade: connect porn to your flatmate's Bluetooth speaker haha classic



Sep 23 - Oct 22

Mars is the planet of aggression and enters your sixth house this week. Although Libra would usually make love, not war, Mars says go on Tinder and try set up a 1outz.

This week’s late night escapade: cough in loud, uncoincidentally rhymic sequences until your flatmate stops having very loud sex



Oct 23 - Nov 21

It’s July which means it’s the perfect time to do some gardening. Get on your hands and knees in the muddied soil and plant a patch of brussel sprouts. Your friends will love you and your foes will fear you.

This week’s late night escapade: catch a fish in the Leith beneath the moon. If you kiss it, it is now your first born



Nov 22 - Dec 21

Someone as a child told you that you were gifted. It was a lie. Work towards finding yourself through switching degrees and enrolling in a Bachelor of Commerce.

This week’s late night escapade: practice your ‘woah’ for hours in the bathroom by candlelight until it is perfect



Dec 22 - Jan 19

This week is for Capricorn’s reminiscing. Think back to the times when you lived at home and electricity was free, when Donald Trump was just the host on that stupid show called The Apprentice, and when your ex loved you back. Now think what’s changed. The answer can only be you.

This week’s late night escapade: make a hair mask with mayonnaise, let it sit for 2 hours then rinse

This article first appeared in Issue 14, 2019.
Posted 11:04pm Thursday 4th July 2019 by Critic.