Horoscopes | Issue 18

Horoscopes | Issue 18


Jan 20 - Feb 18

The new moon left your relationship zone last week and it’s time to do some oversharing with acquaintances, strangers and work colleagues.

This week’s crime: You let yourself down. It’s time to revenge porn yourself.



Feb 19 - Mar 20

Quickly swiping through someone’s profile pictures from earliest to latest is literally watching their life flash before your eyes.

This week’s crime: Steal an entire vending machine.



Mar 21 - Apr 19

Your ethos this week is ‘fuck it’. Disrupt all forms of organisation in your life. Shuffle your archives. Remove all digital files from their folders. Dismantle your furniture. The cosmos is descending into chaos and bringing you along with it.

This week’s crime: Nail a plank to your parents’ house without a permit.



Apr 20 - May 20

As you know only too well, the emotional moon in your fifth house of romance formed a harmonious angle to Saturn in your ninth house of adventure last Saturday night. A big drunk walk got you lost in Roslyn.

This week’s crime: Steal all the orange slices from a children’s soccer game at half time.



May 21 - Jun 20

Had you been born only 3 minutes earlier you would have been better.

This week’s crime: Prepare many disguises and use them to stockpile on duck food from the Gardens information centre. At the end of the day, make a giant porridge in the tub and bathe in your riches.



Jun 21 - July 22

Roll yourself up into an old foam mattress and recycle yourself.

This week’s crime: Download Zoombinis illegally.



July 23 - Aug 22

Force yourself into efficiency this week, Cancer. Prepare tomorrow’s coffee tonight and put it right by your bed. Smash it back as soon as your alarm goes off.

This week’s crime: Being too beautiful.



Aug 23 - Sep 22

Reducing the amount of water you drink will in turn reduce the amount of fluoride you consume. If your pee is really clear, it’s obviously going right through you, which is a huge waste anyway.

This week’s crime: Go into your flatmate’s room and delete all their Sims and replace them with a family of 5 who all look just like you.



Sep 23 - Oct 22

Murphy’s Law will no longer be enforced as of August 5 2019.

This week’s crime: Hide your nuggie within the very innermost Russian nesting doll. Place that doll back inside the next largest doll and so on until it is in its biggest and most complete form and then shelve it before getting on the plane.



Oct 23 - Nov 21

You are exploding with creative energy, Scorpio. Buy an adult colouring-in book.

This week’s crime: Start pickling avocados and store them in the spare room in your flat. Wait until avo season is over again and then sell jars to drunk millennials on the down low at Caro or Subs.



Nov 22 - Dec 21

It’s the kind of week where you need to rewatch the part of Breaking Bad where Jesse mistakes ricin beans for rice n beans.

This week’s crime: Climb the Robbie Burns statue, scream and don’t come down till the fire department pries you from his cold bronze head.



Dec 22 - Jan 19

This week you should wear your most controversial shirt.

This week’s crime: Kill the Bunnings greeter, dispose of the body and replace him in his role. Remember to hand out the lollipops to the kiddies and if any women are carrying things, make a joke about how the men should be carrying the things. They’ll never know what hit them.

This article first appeared in Issue 18, 2019.
Posted 8:13pm Sunday 4th August 2019 by Critic.