Welcome back to campus! While many of you had a well-deserved rest and shroom-induced epiphanies, I tripped in a labyrinth of census data, was sent down corridors of correlations and came out the other end both enlightened and far too familiar with your lives.
The Critic census was birthed in 2021 as a random collection of student data that then-Editor Erin joked about selling to the highest bidder. They learned that students at the time trusted OUSA more than the University, that 46% reckoned they’d eventually be able to afford a house (probably through that reliable tuna and veg diet, eh Brooke van Velden), and that 439 were willing to hand over personal information for some Wax Mustang tickets. Four years later and 681 of you did for no incentive at all!
In the successive iterations of the census, regular questions have tracked trends in financial hardship, drugs of choice, celebrity crushes, randiness, political leanings and general day-to-day lives. Students have always been broke as shit, but are especially counting pennies in the current cost of living crisis. You’ve picked up a tobacco habit since 2021 but are drinking slightly less. Margot Robbie has fallen off her multi-year pedestal, outvoted by Florence Pugh lovers. Y’all have always underestimated how much sex you have compared to your peers and overlooked the value of $4 lunch (fucking go already). Except for 28 people, no one likes the Government. One person actually suggested Chris Luxon belongs in prison.
New questions have come and gone to reflect the changing times. After the Uni’s budget cuts announcement in 2023, we asked students whether they’d been affected, revealing a depressingly large proportion who essentially said “not yet”. Last year, we asked whether you thought University’s rebrand resembled bananas and reactions to Grant Robertson’s appointment as Vice Chancellor.
There were so many burning questions we wanted to ask you this year – funnily enough, journalism is a profession of busy-bodies – but reigned into asking about ChatGPT use, thoughts on the University’s institutionally neutral stance on the Palestinian genocide and, out of sheer curiosity, what your unpopular opinion is. I swear I dedicated a day to each of these three questions.
Ironically, while I was Googling Excel functions and jumping to conclusions, the Government announced they were cancelling the five-yearly nationwide census. The decision will end a 150-year tradition of population data collection across the motu that’s charted and shaped political decision-making, tossing the system for a more “efficient” method of using pre-existing administrative data. In the same way that chewing the fat over the national census has helped the Government to identify gaps and do something about it, the Critic census does the same for us.
I’ve learned that you loved reading about a baby doll named Fuckwit whose adoptive fathers drop kicked down Castle St. You appreciate it when Critic doesn’t pussy about asking the hard questions of the Uni and OUSA – doing “real journalism” as some put it. The crossword received a lot of love, even more so when there aren’t any errors. Centrefold art continues to both adorn walls and be used as kindling. We don’t mind, it’s fucking cold. You were equal parts scandalised and mesmerised by President Liam’s provocative photoshoot, and you reminded us that students “are not weekly partiers who skip lectures”. We’ll keep that in mind.
How will Critic adjust to meet your needs? The crosswords will be bigger. The magazine is 12 pages shorter to meet your brain-rotted attention spans (not really, it’s a money thing). Moaningful Confessions are back – you can thank the 25 students in the census who practically begged for it. Critic will keep making Exec meetings awkward with our questions and printing sick art to cover the cracks in your walls. So happy Second Sem everyone – everyone except the person who speculated that the horoscopes are generated through AI. On behalf of our Orb, fuck you.