Critic Booze Reviews | Pepe Lopez Gold Tequila

Critic Booze Reviews | Pepe Lopez Gold Tequila

My dear readers, recently I found out some devastating news. Masterchef Australia has lost its three beautiful judges: George, Matt and Gary. For those of you that are fans of the beloved cooking show, this will come as a blow that may never be truly recovered from. With the weight of these unbearable circumstances, I went on a search for booze that will most likely kill me, or at the very least heavily comatose me. Friends, I think I have found what I am looking for in Pepe Lopez Gold Tequila.

Pepe Lopez Gold Tequila is a death trap, a lethal machine. It will knock you out stone cold, like your lecturer wearing tight jeans. You’ll wake up in the gutter of Archway 1 with no memory. What I get up to when I’m blackout is none of my business. Little rat brain, take the wheels. The tequila is light and golden, the bartender’s hand is heavy and the bass is more dropped than an infant child. This drink will get you where you need to go. In my case, the Leith.

Let me recount exactly what happens when you consume Pepe Lopez Gold Tequila. One shot, and you forget about the rush you feel when a Masterchef Mystery box is unveiled for the first time. A second shot, and you forget about George Calombaris’s bald head dripping with sweat anytime he eats spicy food. A third shot and you forget about Matt Preston and his love for cravats. You will never see the bare flesh of his neck. By now you get the gist, so listen in closely. Continue down this path for an evening and there will come a time, maybe on your 12th shot, or your 19th, that everything be a wonderful black haze. Embrace that darkness. Revel in it. It’s okay to grieve, to allow yourself to feel the full range of your emotions, and then nothing at all. You’re human. You’ll wake up tomorrow with a raging hangover but it’ll be a new day and you can get through it. It’s what the boys would have wanted. Oh and watch out, you’ll probably have shat the bed.


Taste Rating: 0/10

Froth Level: Black-outs, a dangerous level of vomit, white girls yelling “Tequila!!!!”

Pairs well with: A tragic life-altering event that you must immediately suppress.

Tasting notes: A light, fruity syrup of golden amber, which shall be ruined forever by your one evening of impulsive drinking.

This article first appeared in Issue 17, 2019.
Posted 4:34am Friday 26th July 2019 by Sinkpiss Plath.