Horoscopes | Issue 19

Horoscopes | Issue 19


Jan 20 - Feb 18

The stars are mourning the death of one of the gr8s, Toni Morrison. Honour your fellow Aquarius this week by reading one of her books. Or any book, even.

This week’s meet up: Monday 10am, second floor Central, PS 3563 08749.



Feb 19 - Mar 20

This week call every woman over the age of 40 you interact with “Mummy”. Eventually you’ll strike gold. 

This week’s meet up: Satdee night, 2-16 Maruyama-cho Shibuya-ku.



Mar 21 - Apr 19

Record everything you say this week. Transcribe it. Submit the transcription to Turnitin. If you get over 40%, see me.

This week’s meet up: Wednesday, high noon, Tiffanys-too-good-for-an-apostrophe Café by Centre City New World. 



Apr 20 - May 20

https://fivebooks.com/. And if it still doesn’t work, just google “Fivebooks”. Jesus fucking Christ.

This week’s meet up: In the corner thinking about what you’ve done.



May 21 - Jun 20

It’s time to save some ca$h. Replace your morning coffee with half an hour spent standing outside the Gregg’s factory, huffing fumes.

This week’s meet up: 8am. Mon-Fri outside Gregg’s.



Jun 21 - July 22

The stars say take a night off from studyiNg this weEk, and do something fun instead, like a pub quiz with your fRiends.

This week’s meet up: TuesdaY night, Dog With Two TailS, 7:30pm.



July 23 - Aug 22

Your task for the week is to find the toy in the claw machine that looks the most sexually starved, and gently rub its toy genitalia with the claw.

This week’s meet up: Sunday morning, the TimeZone at Westfield Riccarton in Cheech.



Aug 23 - Sep 22

It’s almost Virgo season, and in honour of that I will be in the Critic office at 10 am on Tuesday, ready to give $5 to the first person who comes in with a valid form of I.D. to prove they’re a Virgo.

This week’s meet up: Monday-Sunday, in my heart.



Sep 23 - Oct 22

This week you’ll think to yourself, “Life is a highway / I wanna ride it all night long.” You’re about to find out the true meaning of the words “vice versa”.

This week’s meet up: Tuesday 3pm in the backseat of C**-*** M*******’s sports car. If you know you know.



Oct 23 - Nov 21

Uranus is in transit (grow up). You know what that means. Time to reach out to a friend you haven’t talked to in a while and see how they’re going. Look out for each other out there, OK?

This week’s meet up: Countdown parking lot. Bring sensible shoes.



Nov 22 - Dec 21

Montaigne once famously wrote, “Comment puis-je savoir que je ne cultive pas mon saumon lorsque je le cultive?” Haha just kidding . . . unless . . ?

This week’s meet up: OUSA sauna, Thursday night, 7:00ish? BYO sweat.



Dec 22 - Jan 19

The stars are saying some real fucked up things about you this week, Cap.

This week’s meet up: Friday 2pm, outer space. Come with your game face on or don’t come at all.

This article first appeared in Issue 19, 2019.
Posted 4:39pm Sunday 11th August 2019 by Critic.