Horoscopes | Issue 11

Horoscopes | Issue 11


Jan 20 - Feb 18

Please be patient; National Dairy Goat Awareness Week is next month.

This week’s belated Mothers’ Day gift: ToeSox Grip Pilates Barre Socks-Non Slip Ankle Half Toe for Yoga and Ballet. Colour options include fuchsia, chill, retro, diamond freesia and heather grey. $7.35-$23.99 on amazon.com



Feb 19 - Mar 20

Upon reading this horoscope, you will stop and remember the horse girl you knew at intermediate school.

This week’s belated Mothers’ Day gift: Personalised toilet paper ($7.18), alternatively you can use one of these original designs: “For the POOfect mother” ($12.48), “For all the little bottoms you’ve wiped: happy mother’s day” ($3.55) or, a personal favourite, “I farted! It tickled. My butt cheek giggled!” ($9.36). All available from etsy.com



Mar 21 - Apr 19

You’re going to be a comic relief side character in a groundhog-day-esque situation. Every day you’ll be utterly humiliated in a different way. On a positive note, you’ll never remember the previous day because you’re basically an NPC to the main character who the universe let have endless retries at getting a gf.

This week’s belated Mothers’ Day gift: A grandchild. $???



Apr 20 - May 20

This week, you should wear dress ups every day just for fun.

This week’s belated Mothers’ Day gift: 1. Buy rose quarts heart, clear quarts stone and citrine stone. 2. Hold them in your hands and close your eyes. 3. Visualise loving bubbles of pink and yellow light. 4. Say all the reasons you love your mum. 5. Give them to your mum. Crystals and full instructions are $20.85 from energymuse.com.



May 21 - Jun 20

Your vibe is at a 2/5 this week, Gemini. Sorry but there’s absolutely nothing you can do about it.

This week’s belated Mothers’ Day gift: Mum’s Elixir: Beastmode (Fresh Cantaloupe melon kissed with tropical Papaya sunshine and Pomegranate berries). This vape juice is only $16.99 from juicerack.com



Jun 21 - July 22

A haiku for Cancer:
You look into fridge,
You look way into the back,
You see old pork mince

This week’s belated Mothers’ Day gift: A guilt-inspired phone call after you get a text from your mum asking if you forgot anything. $0.00



July 23 - Aug 22

Start planning your end-of-exams road trip now. If you don’t start the conversation, your friends are going to plan a secret road trip without you.

This week’s belated Mothers’ Day gift: Personalised 10kg weights in Rose Gold. There’s a 6-9 month waiting list so better just order it now for next year. $296.36 from liftingpretty.co.uk



Aug 23 - Sep 22

This week it will be tempting to build a diorama of your flat, make tiny versions of all your flatmates, lock your door and play with your homemade dollshouse. Remember, for real results you need a piece of everyone’s DNA on their respective dolls.

This week’s belated Mothers’ Day gift: Bradleys Pink Suede Leather Gauntlet Gloves for ‘Feminine protection when pruning’ $65.42 from gardendivas.co.uk



Sep 23 - Oct 22

It’s time to source your Ritalin for the upcoming exam season.

This week’s belated Mothers’ Day gift: Full Dozen Gourmet [chocolate] Dipped Mother’s Day Strawberries. $39.98 from berries.com. Because nothing says ‘I love you, Mum’ like a common aphrodisiac. 



Oct 23 - Nov 21

Be proud of your quirks. If Monster Energy™ gives you the ‘big bad buzz’ you need to get through the day, go hard, love. If “Athletes, musicians, anarchists, co-ed’s, road warriors, metal heads, geeks, hipsters and bikers dig it”, why can’t you?

This week’s belated Mothers’ Day gift: an eye mask for sleeping that has a pineapple pattern on it and big letters that say ‘fuck off’. $15 from prezzybox.com



Nov 22 - Dec 21

Get a tattoo of a lemon that’s saying, “ex-squeeze me” while somebody is squeezing it. The lemon should have an expression of pain and ecstasy.

This week’s belated Mothers’ Day gift: A handcrafted Mothers’ Day card with a drawing of your mum giving birth to you on the front. $0, straight from the heart.



Dec 22 - Jan 19

You’ll be reincarnated as a giraffe, but only if you die a gc.

This week’s belated Mothers’ Day gift: The Best Bug Vacuum. “Available only from Hammacher Schlemmer, this handheld cordless vacuum earned the Best rating from The Hammacher Schlemmer Institute. Institute analysts vacuumed up to 24 live crickets in only 15 seconds”. $69.95 from hammacher.com

This article first appeared in Issue 11, 2019.
Posted 8:15pm Thursday 9th May 2019 by Critic.