Top 10 Fun Things to Do at The Hospital

1. Try out the robots. There are robots everywhere. If you don’t know what they do, find out! Push some buttons, twist some knobs, who knows what that goddamned android will come up with!

2. Get a catheter. The place is lousy with nurses, and surely if you ask enough of them, one will be happy to give you a catheter. You won’t need to pee anymore as it will drain straight into a stylish bag you can carry around and wow your friends with.

3. Make a friend. There are lots of people who are trapped in their bed and will have to talk to you. Some are even fast asleep so can’t tell you to go away!

4. See if you can live exclusively on hospital food. Some patients are too nauseous to eat theirs, others just can’t bear to eat the sub-standard food they serve there. See how long you can survive without leaving.

5. Hide under a bed. You’ll be able to hear everything. Just don’t let your catheter bag stick out the side or you will be caught.

6. Curl up in a ball in the corner. Another hiding method. Everyone will be too busy to stop to check out what that weird orb is.

7. Find some ghosts. You might need to sneak into the morgue for this one, but even if you can’t get in, there’s got to be some ghosts somewhere in the hospital.

8. Become a surgeon. Everyone has to start somewhere, and nobody learned anything without getting their hands dirty. Give it a go!

9. Make a costume out of things you find. This is fun anywhere, but extra cool in the hospital, where you can top off your outfit with a bedpan hat. 

10. Offer guided tours of the hospital to visitors. You’ve been in the hospital so long now, the least you can do is show people round. Take people to see patients with interesting ailments, the world’s oldest man, and the room where they keep the zombie outbreak contained. Spread the joy!

This article first appeared in Issue 19, 2019.
Posted 4:51pm Sunday 11th August 2019 by Critic.