Critic Booze Reviews | Booze Reviews: Chasseur Cask Medium White Wine

Critic Booze Reviews | Booze Reviews: Chasseur Cask Medium White Wine

Ring the wedding bells; I’m getting married. That’s right, I’ve found the one. Well, kind of. I don’t mean she’s as sexy as tequila or as good in bed as Jägermeister. She’s a far throw from my childhood love (RTDs, I miss you) but I'm a third year now, it’s time to think about settling down. Chasseur Cask Medium White Wine is secure, stable and the one who puts dinner on the table by 6. Sure, dinner’s unseasoned chicken and defrosted peas, but in the pale, yellow kitchen light she lets me make love to her (provided that it’s missionary and I keep my socks on). She’s all that a good goon should be, thrifty and nifty.

My friends all yap on about their sleek bottles of wine, how they bring them to BYOs and then use them as makeshift dildos later. Yes, glass is undeniably more socially acceptable, firm and dildo-like. But there’s nothing like a cracking box of goon. I bring my Chasseur Cask camping in the woods for a romantic getaway, and she provides me with loving nourishment for 2, even 3 nights. When we’re done, I use her cardboard shell to shelter me from rain and bears. My Chasseur Cask can pleasure not only me, but my work colleagues as well. It’s okay, we have an understanding.

Chasseur’s taste is sweet and mild, her body firm. She’s a cheap date and a good fuck. The wedding is in Spring, I hope you can make it. We’re thinking pres at Starters and then a small quiet ceremony at the botans. Most likely in a tree. The theme is ‘Falling in Love’ as we play possum. You’re all invited.


Taste Rating: 6.5/10

Froth Level: Holding hands, being little spoon, forehead kisses.

Pairs well with: Potato salad.

Tasting notes: Alpine forests and fresh snow.

This article first appeared in Issue 20, 2019.
Posted 8:23pm Saturday 17th August 2019 by Sinkpiss Plath.