Critic Booze Reviews | Midori

Critic Booze Reviews | Midori

Okay, so basically Midori is some green-as-shit melon-flavoured liquor. Remember that gummy bear song on YouTube? This bitch-ass drink is the living embodiment of reliving your childhood of dry humping soft toys and listening to the Annoying Orange while your parents got a divorce in the background.

The most annoying thing about Midori has to be its colour. Like seriously, the whole Shrek thing was a couple of years ago guys, can you please calm it down with the obnoxious green already. I’m gonna cunt punch the next weirdo that says Shrek is love, Shrek is life. It’s not 2015 any more. We live in the future.

The good thing about Midori is that one bottle will never die, because no one ever actually feels like downing melon-flavoured liquor. It’s the aeroplane food of fruits. I’ve had a bottle since first year, which is pretty fucking impressive. I guess the longevity is good for self-esteem, because it’s living proof that you can have a full vessel in the house. Your drinking problem can’t be THAT bad. Stop calling me, Mum. It’s fine. My appointment is at midday at Student Health ;)

Overall, if you want to drink melted lollies, then rest assured: capitalism has catered for you. But also maybe you have a sugar addiction. Maybe you’re still recovering from your parents’ divorce and the green, silky fluid reminds you of the moss-covered wood cabin your family rented in the year of 2006 where you played cards and roasted marshmallows on the open fire. Either way, you’re free to join me at my Student Health appointment.


Taste Rating: 4/10

Froth Level: Oh, I'm a yummy, tummy, funny, lucky, gummy bear

Pairs well with: Furry culture

Tasting notes: Shrek’s love nuzzle, sugar sachets, a distant past

This article first appeared in Issue 14, 2019.
Posted 11:01pm Thursday 4th July 2019 by Sinkpiss Plath.