Horoscopes | Issue 15

Horoscopes | Issue 15


Jan 20 - Feb 18

An R18 Mr Whippy van, but for cum. It’s so crazy that it just might work.

This week’s website: http://111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111111.com/



Feb 19 - Mar 20

If you really want to pass HSFY, it’s time to get serious about your revision. Two words: DIY vasectomy, Science Library bathrooms.

This week’s website: https://www.odt.co.nz/news/dunedin/slid-cow-sh-truck-rolls-ditch-near-outram



Mar 21 - Apr 19

Si vis pacem, para bellum. Time to cancel someone.

This week’s website: http://www.republiquedesmangues.fr/



Apr 20 - May 20

Wander off by yourself into the mystical moist night-air and, from time to time, look up in perfect silence at the stars. Orion’s Belt is being unbuckled. You know what that means.

This week’s website: https://fivebooks.com/



May 21 - Jun 20

Everybody’s always talking about friendship requests. No one talks about the friendship quest.

This week’s website: Your mum’s Facebook



Jun 21 - July 22

You could try an ancient homeopathic remedy that I like to call shutting the fuck up.

This week’s website: https://cat-bounce.com/



July 23 - Aug 22

You will ask yourself this week why the Greeks are the only nation with a yoghurt named after them. Congratulations. A little piece of wool just got taken away from your eyes.

This week’s website: https://www.dunedin.govt.nz/council/electoral-information



Aug 23 - Sep 22

Your problem is that your body is a wonderland and you’re perfect. Deal with it.

This week’s website: https://www.jstor.org/



Sep 23 - Oct 22

Tip: before you open your mouth, ask yourself: is this the kind of thing that would get me featured on dunedinsoftbois?

This week’s website: https://feelingunlucky.today/



Oct 23 - Nov 21

It’s time to mix up your investment portfolio. Low-cost mutual funds and EFTs are so 2018. I’ll give you a hint: throat massages.

This week’s website: http://endless.horse/



Nov 22 - Dec 21

A man will ask you if you would rather be a fish for a day, or be taught how to be a fish for life. Follow your gut.

This week’s website: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Philosophy_of_S%C3%B8ren_Kierkegaard#Despair



Dec 22 - Jan 19

Remember reading books? You should try that again some time.

This week’s website: https://www.otago.ac.nz/courses/subjects/arth.html

This article first appeared in Issue 15, 2019.
Posted 6:07pm Thursday 11th July 2019 by Critic.