UoO Moaningful Confessions | Valliant Vomiter Vandalises Venue

UoO Moaningful Confessions | Valliant Vomiter Vandalises Venue

t was my 20th birthday. I was probably the most smashed I have ever been; to the point where I am legitimately surprised that I remembeIr this much. I went to town after a few too many brews (and far too many cones) with no ambition to go home with anyone, but once being introduced to this guy through mutual friends we hooked up in 10Bar (rip) and went back to his (rather nice) flat. I was pretty curious, because as we walked, he told me even if we were going back to mine he needed to stop by his flat to get something so we may as well go to his (and it was closer so drunk me agreed).

We got there, went into his room and he immediately turned on some music. ‘Mood music’ as he put it, but I don’t think I would ever have classified Childish Gambino as mood music. Candles were lit (again to ‘set the mood’), and the ‘thing’ he needed to come and get was revealed: stimulating lube. He went down on me with the lube and it was rather hot and he had no idea where to put his tongue so we started to fuck and it became very very clear he didn’t know what he was doing so I was like nah let’s just fuck. Twice, I got up to the bathroom because I thought I was going to be sick but wasn’t so I returned to his squeaky bed and continued. The third time however was a different story. I made it into the bathroom but not over a toilet or sink before what I can only describe as a stream of vomit as strong as the push of health scis leaving a lecture came out of my mouth. It went all over the floor.

Panicked (and still very fucked up) I used ONLY toilet paper to clean it up and returned, again, to the fuck. He didn’t even notice. By that time I was ready to get Maccas and curl up in my own bed, but it took him OVER AN HOUR to cum??? Afterwards he asked if we could cuddle which I very reluctantly agreed to, and chatted a bit more, having sobered up since town. During this conversation I realised who he was. He was the guy who had been friendzoned by my friend and had reacted with the classic “Have a good life” line and ALSO the one who had almost choked my flatmate to death (she had to wear a scarf for a week). I made an excuse of not feeling well (not untrue), he gave me the whole “we should do this again” and I left.

To add to this, I’m pretty sure his flatmates saw me naked running desperately to the bathroom to vom, and they definitely saw me fly out the door faster than a commerce student to a Huffer sale because they were all in the kitchen at 4am.

If you’re reading this, sorry about your bathroom floor.

This article first appeared in Issue 17, 2019.
Posted 1:24am Friday 26th July 2019 by Critic.