Aquarius

Jan 20 - Feb 18

Mercury retrograde is nearly over. Chahoo. Make the most of it by moving the furniture around in your room. Show off to your flatmates when you are finished.

This week’s old wives’ wisdom: pull out that grey hair and 5 more are gonna grow back. Trust me.

 

Pisces

Feb 19 - Mar 20

Start training to do one of those cool front flips on the ground to make friends and influence people.

This week’s old wives’ wisdom: that 10 you just pulled last night? Yeah they’re actually a 6. Eat some carrots to improve your eyesight.

 

Aries

Mar 21 - Apr 19

Just because you made prolonged eye contact at Starters doesn’t mean it’s meant to be.

This week’s old wives’ wisdom: collect an acorn and hold it in your pocket to stay young forever. Alternatively, fail BSNS 112 for the third time.

 

Taurus

Apr 20 - May 20

Women love you, fish fear you

This week’s old wives’ wisdom: make sure you dry your hair before you leave for your lecture; otherwise you’ll definitely catch a fucking cold.

 

Gemini

May 21 - Jun 20

This week all your flat meals are gonna turn to shit. There’s nothing you can do about it. Acceptance is key.

This week’s old wives’ wisdom: an apple a day keeps the doctor away. (Tbh doesn’t matter if you eat the apple or not - Student Health never have fucking appointments.)

 

Cancer

Jun 21 - July 22

Host kick ons this week and some incredible things could happen to you (or not, but it’s your turn to fucking host anyway).

This week’s old wives’ wisdom: spicy food causes ulcers. As per, stick to the mild butter chicken and garlic naan this week.

 

Leo

July 23 - Aug 22

The planets have really aligned for you this week. If you look up at the stars, you’ll see they spell out the words: Dunedin Casino. Bet it all on red, baby.

This week’s old wives’ wisdom: Avoid pregnancy by sitting in Moana pool’s spa for an hour. Risk contracting an STD instead.

 

Virgo

Aug 23 - Sep 22

It’s up to you this week Virgo. The horoscope gods said so. Do a ritualistic snow dance in the lounge and you could singlehandedly bring snow to the mountains and save the Queenstown economy.

This week’s old wives’ wisdom: pluck a literal hair from a dog and you will cure a lifetime of hangovers.

 

Libra

Sep 23 - Oct 22

Have a flatmate you hate? Slowly start adding more and more salt to their meals to increase their blood pressure.

This week’s old wives’ wisdom: never fear, your second semester beer belly is actually just a very small watermelon that grew from a seed you swallowed 5 months ago.

 

Scorpio

Oct 23 - Nov 21

The sun moves into your financial sectors this Monday. Capsicums are like four dollars at the moment. Say fuck it and put it in the trolley anyway.

This week’s old wives’ wisdom: crack your knuckles in your lecture one more time and you can choose to get either arthritis or ringworm. Fact!

 

Saggitarius

Nov 22 - Dec 21

Jupiter moves into your social sphere this week. It said that your friends are talking shit.

This week’s old wives’ wisdom: shaving makes your hair grow back thicker (probably why these freshers be having the stupidest fucking moustaches I’ve ever seen).

 

Capricorn

Dec 22 - Jan 19

Say James Heath three times in front of the mirror and he won’t appear.

This week’s old wives’ wisdom: if you swallow your gum on the rark this week it will stay in your stomach forever. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.