The hopeful lovers on the Critic Blind Date are provided with a meal and a bar tab, thanks to Mamacita. If you’re looking for love and want to give the Blind Date a go, email email@example.com
The day for the blind date rolled around and I decided to have some Scrumpo before heading in. It was cold as fuck and, as I was walking it started hailing, so I grabbed a scooter and yeeted myself at the top speed of 30km/h through what felt like the plains of Antarctica. I arrived with high-grade hypothermia and wet as shit (and not just from the rain haha, I love Lime) but coming in hotter than the current state of the Earth’s climate. I was fashionably early and took a seat. So I’m sitting there, barbeque sauce on my titties, when my lovely date arrived not too long after and we ordered a jug of margarita.
I soon found out that I had been set up with a meme queen who studies meme-ology. Did I mention she likes memes? We talked about memes and vines and hit the woah probably too many times for the likes of the middle-aged co-diners at the table next to us. The tacos were great (8/10, points deducted for the jackfruit taco which was not very nice), however, I immediately became inverted when she said she’d never seen a Harry Potter film. Absolute travesty.
We finished up and decided to have a drink at Pequeño, where she bought our drinks (and thus single-handedly destroyed the patriarchy). Here we met a nice lady who was visiting because her unbelievably smart and intelligent son is graduating. She knew of the minions but didn’t have a favourite minion meme (I would’ve guessed something like ‘a balanced diet is a chocolate bar in both hands’ or ‘another glass of Sav? Wine not!!!’).
Alas, posting minion memes is reserved for all but the strongest of us. I walked my date home and we had some tea and then I was off into the freezing night. She even offered to lend me a jacket, which had the patriarchy rolling in its grave.
Big thanks to Critic and to Mamacita for the delicious food, and to my date who was an absolute treat to talk to.
It was a very cold evening, but I was still out there lookin’ like a thottie because a hoe never gets cold. After sinking back a few G&T’s and trying to cover up the smell of darts, I arrived ‘fashionably late’ (three minutes to be exact) to Mamacita.
My date was very cute, and we immediately hit it off by discussing a range of topics. We talked about everything, from what we study, the origins of Bubble O’ Bills, and who would win in a fight between Jacinda Ardern and Helen Clark. Most of the conversation became filled with meme and vine references, and I think the table of Sharons and Karens next to us couldn’t handle how many whips we were laying out. Although, things took a turn when I told my date that I had never seen Harry Potter because I’m not like other girls – to which he then gave me a 20-minute scene by scene rundown of Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone with additional sound effects.
After eating our solid 3/5 Trip Advisor-rated tacos, we decided to keep the night going by getting a drink. I paid for the drinks and also gave him my jacket since he was cold – patriarchy? Never heard of her - and we enjoyed a nice beverage by a fire. After finding out that my date doesn’t not vape, I forced him into the cold for some sweet nicotine. We started chatting to a woman who was down for her son’s graduation, asking her about minion memes and pinot gris. I hope she’s having a good day.
Being the absolute skuxx I am, I pulled a classic “wanna go have a cuppa at my flat?” move. Hoping that there may be more than just a cuppa, I was sad to see my date Lime into the distance following drinking peppermint tea. But alas, it be like dat sometimes, and you know I had to do it to ‘em.
Thanks Critic and Mamacita for a wholesome evening, and if my date is reading this – I hope to see you soon at the back of Maccas x