Horoscopes | Issue 20

Horoscopes | Issue 20


Jan 20 - Feb 18

Not being able to sweat isn’t a personality, Aquarius.

This week’s fashion icon: Bruce the Neopet.

This week’s fashion faux pas: Crimped hair.



Feb 19 - Mar 20

Everyone shits the bed at some point in their life, Pisces. You have to think positive. At least it was someone else’s bed and you left without waking them up. You’ll probably never see each other again. You know what they say; Dunedin’s a big town.

This week’s fashion icon: Neil Armstrong circa moon landing.

This week’s fashion faux pas: Ear-shaped earrings paired with a nose-shaped nose ring.



Mar 21 - Apr 19

The practically erotic sun-Venus connection last Tuesday meant that you could no longer focus in class. Luckily, when Venus enters Virgo this week your inattentiveness will come to a rapturous climax and after this you will be able to catch up on your studies in no time.

This week’s fashion icon: Yzma.

This week’s fashion faux pas: Kronk.



Apr 20 - May 20

Your doppelganger just died. You can now legally claim you’re not like other girls.

This week’s fashion icon: The golden tortoise beetle.

This week’s fashion faux pas: High Heelys.



May 21 - Jun 20

#534B4F really isn’t your colour. Stop trying to make it happen.

This week’s fashion icon: Suzy from Suzy’s World.

This week’s fashion faux pas: The moon boot you get when you went to A&E sure that you’d broken it but you didn’t even need a cast, loser.



Jun 21 - July 22

I have some excellent news for you, Cancer, but you need to come find me because I don’t think you’d feel comfortable with it being shared on this platform.

This week’s fashion icon: Mr Muscle.

This week’s fashion faux pas: Jimmy Neutron hair.



July 23 - Aug 22

You came into this world with nothing and by God you’re going to leave with a pile of coins and a permission slip for getting into a good place in the afterlife.

This week’s fashion icon: Celia from Monsters, Inc.

This week’s fashion faux pas: A necklace so long that you trip over it.



Aug 23 - Sep 22

From what I can see, you haven’t been reading into your horoscopes enough lately. This isn’t a fucking joke, Virgo.

This week’s fashion icon: Yodelling Walmart Boy.

This week’s fashion faux pas: Alternating perfectly manicured long acrylic nails with your normal ones.



Sep 23 - Oct 22

I love your hair.

This week’s fashion icon: Seto Kaiba from Yu Gi Oh.

This week’s fashion faux pas: Socks over your shoes.



Oct 23 - Nov 21

It’s time to become an upstanding community member. Reduce your heckling at open mic nights, support local artists by offering them exposure, or make a habit of harvesting vegetables from your local community garden.

This week’s fashion icon: The Ribena Squeeze man.

This week’s fashion faux pas: Frosted tips x flame shirt.



Nov 22 - Dec 21

You’re blowing it, Sagittarius. If you don’t stop this at once there’re going to be SERIOUS consequences relating to someone whose name starts with an S or an R, involving what may seem like an accident concerning some sort of fluid.

This week’s fashion icon: Amy Wong.

This week’s fashion faux pas: Crop top and nothing else, Winnie the Pooh style.



Dec 22 - Jan 19

You awoke from a nightmare last night that the bag of mints in your mum’s car was actually a bag of mince.

This week’s fashion icon: Bugs Bunny in drag.

This week’s fashion faux pas: Hair stamps.

This article first appeared in Issue 20, 2019.
Posted 8:32pm Saturday 17th August 2019 by Critic.