Critic Blind Date | Fiona and Shrek

Critic Blind Date | Fiona and Shrek

The hopeful lovers on the Critic Blind Date are provided with a meal and a bar tab, thanks to Mamacita. If you’re looking for love and want to give the Blind Date a go, email




As soon as I arrived on my exchange, I knew kiwi dick was first on the priorities list. Critic’s blind date column seemed like the easiest and most efficient way to get it done, so naturally I signed up. What I didn’t expect was the 6pm message on Thursday asking if I wanted to go that night. This was nowhere near enough time to get sufficiently drunk enough to meet up with a complete stranger, but this was clearly my shot to tick off that sweet number one on the bucket list and score a free dinner in the process. I was fucking game. Of course, the first step in any blind date preparation was to skull anything nearby that would cause outrageous confidence. I begged my friends to join me, in case the guy fell into the “homeless looking and never showered” category of Dunedin male, as opposed to the “homeless looking but obviously got monayyy” category instead. And will tell you now, I was not disappointed.
As soon as I saw him, I knew I was going to take him home. Better yet, we actually got along and had a really good time (unsure if this is a usual occurrence for the blind date). Of course, the next logical step was tequila shots (which everyone knows makes my clothes come off) before heading to another bar and then finally my friend’s flat, in my lawless and unwavering pursuit for the kiwi dick. The whole time we were flirting and enjoying ourselves, so I knew this was my chance.

We went back to his house and this is where it gets juicy. I normally don’t kiss and tell so all I will say is we didn’t sleep at all that night and I’m still sore a few days later. I can't wait for a round 2. Cheers Critic for a great night! Xx



The night started off like any other night with me at home drinking by myself nervously crying, waiting for my flatmates to get home so I could gain some extra confidence. After deleting a beer, a bottle of wine and a juul pod, the hormones were flowing and I was ready to work my magic. I arrived on time and sat there looking cute until out of nowhere, the most gorgeous little exchange student from Florida sat down in front of me. Now I'm usually more of a blonde kind of man, but fuuck this brunette beezy had me frothing. We kicked off straight away after a quick how's-your-father, talking for 30 mins before even ordering our first drink. I couldn't stop staring at her eyes the whole time. We were the last people to leave the restaurant, so ordered a shot for the road and went to reload in the octy. From here we both decided we would expand the night to a party, but even after buying more drinks she still insisted we had to “stop” into her house for some more “drinks” before. Next thing you know, I'm watching Shrek 2 with this bird and her flatmates. Everyone knows how saucy the Shrek movies are, so after teaching her ‘Murican flatmates more about Lord of the Rings country (the ins and outs of being a breather), I slipped  the subtle “dtf” in her ear while adding that I have the best rock collection in North Dunedin. Somehow this lured her into my swamp, where we made sweet sweet love and I fucked her organs so hard that noise control wanted to come take her away (not a chance mate). Next thing you know it was morning time and time for round two and three, which made daddy a very happy ogre. 

Thanks for the great night Fiona, hopefully will see you again.

This article first appeared in Issue 19, 2019.
Posted 4:30pm Sunday 11th August 2019 by Critic.