Horoscopes | Issue 21

Horoscopes | Issue 21


Jan 20 - Feb 18

Stand in the lounge facing the flatmate you hate the most. Hold your hands up, make them mirror your actions. Start weeping, break the distance, hold them close.

This week’s lunchbox trade: Blue Moosie



Feb 19 - Mar 20

No wonder your back is sore, Pisces. You’ve been carrying around that big mf heart all week. Get your most attractive friend to give you a massage.

This week’s lunchbox trade: Mamee noodles, raw



Mar 21 - Apr 19

Chivalry ain’t dead this week. Write your lecture crush a letter and slip it in their AS Colour tote when they aren’t looking.

This week’s lunchbox trade: Tiny Teddies with dip



Apr 20 - May 20

Your chakras are all out of whack, Taurus. Perfect time to realign and insert something up your anus.

This week’s lunchbox trade: Skoff BBQ Tripods



May 21 - Jun 20

2019 is already halfway over and you still haven’t tried crack yet. That’s all I’m gonna say.

This week’s lunchbox trade: Fruit nuggets



Jun 21 - July 22

You need financial inspo as Venus enters your financial zone. Check out the #entrepreneur hashtag on IG. Also, girls who have boys’ hoodies - they need em back!!!!!

This week’s lunchbox trade: Luncheon and tomato sauce sandwich



July 23 - Aug 22

Stop stimulating your bits and stimulate your brain for once. Start doing one Sudoku a day before uni to get your brain juices flowing.

This week’s lunchbox trade: Peach Go-gurt



Aug 23 - Sep 22

Steal the rat king from the Otago Museum and use it as a wreath for your front door.

This week’s lunchbox trade: Boiled egg, haha loser



Sep 23 - Oct 22

Spring just got sprung and so have you, bitch.

This week’s lunchbox trade: Pineapple Roll-up



Oct 23 - Nov 21

This week you look way too sexy to care about climate change.

This week’s lunchbox trade: Banana CalciYum



Nov 22 - Dec 21

The next time you say ‘surely’ to the boys, something really fucked up is gonna happen and you’ll almost definitely deserve it.

This week’s lunchbox trade: Annie’s fruit leather, shame.



Dec 22 - Jan 19

Try to convince people you have personality by changing your profile picture to something dumb you did on the piss. Humbling, ugly and niche.

This week’s lunchbox trade: Cheese Strings

This article first appeared in Issue 21, 2019.
Posted 10:30pm Thursday 29th August 2019 by Critic.