Had a sexual encounter that was unusual, scandalous, or spicy? Send in your moaningful confession to critic@critic.co.nz
One night after some drinks at a mate’s I’m feeling spicy, one of my flatmates is dead asleep and the other two are away for the weekend, so I decide I’m keen for a cheeky wee root on the kitchen bench... cause my bf is a lazy shit (love him tho) I have to buy him maccas to bribe him to do it, so we brave the cold Dunedin winds to get his Big Mac combo first. I don’t know whether it was the special sauce or my obvious commitment to this benchtop rendezvous (Dunedin’s chilly af at 1 on a Sunday morning so willingly going outside was a statement ya know) but once we’re on our way home my bf is getting keen, he’s got his hands all over me and uhhh not to sound like a gross Australian or anything but ya girl is fizzing at the slit for some of that.
Finally we get back to mine and it’s go time, he’s already hard and I’m so ready to shove it right in and have him take me to pound town but oh shit.... the bench is too high and his dick isn’t gonna reach. We try from behind and that doesn’t work either, at this point I’m frustrated as fuck and then he says to me ‘doesn’t [redacted] have a desk??’ For context: [redacted] is my flatmate who is away for the weekend, and not to sound like a salty pharmacy student or anything but she is the most annoying fucking typical med student you will ever meet. The type of person who will pretend to be nice and then ruin your life by fucking her ugly bf super loud the night before all 3 other flatmates have exams, and even worse, do washing outside the hour of power. And yeah actually she does have a desk... so with my jeans around my ankles I decide I don’t give a HECK anymore and head on down to her room. At this point I’m so keen to get dicked the fuck up that I shove all her shit onto the floor, bend over on the desk with the lights on and without even bothering to close the curtains let him go hard. I flip over so I can look at him giving me the old one two and that’s reeeeal hot, but then my back starts to hurt on the desk... I tell my mans and without missing a beat he picks me up and puts me down on her BED and continues fucking me. The lights are on, her pillows and notes are all over the floor, and my bf is working off those Big Mac calories reeeeal good, he goes from licking to fingering to fucking and I’m thanking my lord and saviour Ronald McDonald for giving him the energy he needed for this root. He barely manages to pull out before coming all over my stomach and tits, and we just lie there for a few minutes, me covered in his baby batter, having a giggle about how we just did the do in my bitch flatmate’s room. Fuck you [redacted] xx
