Pisces
Everyone knows that you want that Capricorn bad, despite your attempts to act aloof and professionally detached. Stop pretending you don’t care because out of fear caring might make you look stupid. You already look stupid. You may as well get what you want.
Your Brunch Order: Anything with avocado
Aries
You don’t have to be so nervous, Aries – even though telling you that has historically achieved very little. Something you have been overthinking is actually very simple. Stop preparing for seventeen hypothetical outcomes and deal with the one that actually happens.
Your Brunch Order: The sweet pancake option
Virgo
Who gives a fuck about an Oxford comma? You do, Virgo. Same with formatting, the person who keeps writing “ect”, and the fact nobody else appears to understand what a deadline means. Unfortunately, you’ll still end up submitting the file they named FINAL_FINAL2_USETHISONE.pdf.
Your Brunch Order: Eggs your way, always poached
Gemini
Slow down, you crazy child! But seriously. Nobody asked you to finish the assignment six days early, reorganise the flat pantry, and personally solve every minor inconvenience your friends encounter. Sit down before your body decides it's had enough.
Your Brunch Order: Corn fritters with bacon
Aquarius
The stars say it’s not so bad, but the stars don’t know about the increasingly elaborate web of lies you’ve constructed to avoid one mildly uncomfortable conversation. Stop being weird about it. Send the text, admit you care, or finally tell them to fuck off — whatever applies.
Your Brunch Order: A full English breakfast
Scorpio
Don’t go wasting your emotion on someone whose biggest contribution to your life is making you check your phone every seven minutes. You’ve been calling it “seeing where things go” for long enough. They have gone nowhere. Pack it in.
Your Brunch Order: A smoothie and French toast
Taurus
No one knows what it’s like to be as deeply mysterious and misunderstood as you believe yourself to be. Unfortunately, people aren't mind readers and can't unpack the “nothing” you answer every time they ask what is wrong. Consider revealing one emotion this month.
Your Brunch Order: Dry ahh toast
Capricorn
‘Take me out’ is less a lyric and more of a state of being. At this point, you need romance or a gun – either would work to end the absolute torment you have been putting yourself through every Sunday morning swipe session on Hinge. Maybe see what Pisces is up to?
Your Brunch Order: The biggest coffee available
Leo
Please, please, please chill out. You missed one deadline, received one weird email, or made one tiny mistake and have immediately begun preparing your resignation from society. Nobody else noticed. It isn't the end of the world.
Your Brunch Order: Breakfast burrito
Cancer
Don’t upset the rhythm – for once things are actually working in your favour. You’re charming, and people are noticing. Your social life is picking up (finally). Resist the urge to sabotage it because everything being suspiciously fine makes you nervous.
Your Brunch Order: Large flat white and a muffin
Libra
If this is a rom-com, kill the director. Your romantic subplot has become genuinely difficult to watch. There are mixed signals. There is yearning. There is an inexplicable third party.
Your Brunch Order: Turkish eggs
Sagittarius
You could have it so much better if you stopped insisting that “good enough” is basically the same thing as good. This applies to your job, your flat, your love life, and whatever sad meal you’ve been eating three nights in a row. Raise the bar slightly.
Your Brunch Order: Maccas hot cakes
