Horoscopes | Issue 13

Horoscopes | Issue 13


Jan 20 - Feb 18

This week’s spell for a good night out with the boys:

Pile all of your clothes into the centre of your room. Fetch bucket of cold sage water. Pour a dash of kerosene onto the pile of clothes and set it alight. Whisper to your burning clothing “looking good, feeling fab,” then immediately extinguish the flame with your sage water. Extract the only outfit that was not burned. Time to party.



Feb 19 - Mar 20

This week’s spell for optimum hydration:

Drink a flask of water. Feel it flow through your oesophagus. Repeat 5x daily for the rest of your life. Don’t pee. Peeing makes the water go away.



Mar 21 - Apr 19

This week’s spell for better recommendation algorithms on websites such as Netflix:

Look into the built-in camera on your computer. Tell the man inside “you don’t know me, you don’t know what I’m capable of”. Place three seagull feathers atop your breast. Deep breath in through your nose, breathe out with a long “chaaahoooooooooo”.



Apr 20 - May 20

This week’s spell for making French onion-flavoured LeSnaks less spicy:

Buy one box of French onion LeSnaks and one box of original LeSnaks. Get your most precious small vessel. Sit cross-legged on the ground and carefully open one packet of each flavour. Extract the cheese dip from each packet and combine them in the vessel. Kiss one of your fingers before using it to mix the cheese dips. Enjoy.



May 21 - Jun 20

This week’s spell for a profitable new salmon farm:

Buy a 17.55ha property in Twizel. Dig a big hole and fill it with water. Put a boy salmon and a girl salmon in. Infuse the salmon food with some damiana herbs. Ask the salmons to make you the happiest salmon farmer in Canterbury.



Jun 21 - July 22

This week’s spell for successful Tumblr re-birth:

Put on your most bejewelled hat and sit in front of your computer. Log onto your 2012 Tumblr account. While reflecting on your seven-years growth, delete your photos one by one, change your username and say “The people hunger for my visional guidance” three times. Upload/reblog 3 images per day and watch as the followers flock to you.



July 23 - Aug 22

This week’s spell for meeting the parents of the person you started banging three weeks ago:

Prepare a delicious and sophisticated salad. Evoke all of your most likeable personality traits while amassing saliva in your mouth. Drool into the dressing and stir lightly. Take the salad and dressing to brunch at their parents’ house. They’re going to love you.



Aug 23 - Sep 22

This week’s spell to make everything in your fridge last an extra week before going off:

Burn some sage in the kitchen with the fridge door open. Stick your head into the fridge and tell each individual food item that it’s doing great. Ignore the beeping noise. Put on a big smile and wink at the sauce selection. Close the fridge door and give them some privacy.



Sep 23 - Oct 22

This week’s spell to get a chicken dinner in Fortnite / triple word score in Scrabble:

Blow on the Xbox and/or scrabble board. Run outside and take a cutting from your elderplant. Tuck it into your shirt and sing this song: “I can hear the goddess’s heavy breathing, smite my opponents, I will be triumphant.” (To the tune of ‘Who am I’ by Snoop Dogg). You are now ready to play.



Oct 23 - Nov 21

This week’s spell for becoming Dunedin’s next biggest prankster:

Place 100 cups of hyssop-infused water in front of your flatmate’s bedroom door. When they open their door, point at them and say “gotcha”.



Nov 22 - Dec 21

This week’s spell for avoiding scurvy on the high seas:

While you are preparing for your ocean expedition, go to Vege Boys every day and collect the one piece of citrus fruit that speaks to you most. Dry them all out in your hot water cupboard. On the 14th day, climb into the hot water cupboard and sit quietly with the lemons. Good luck on your trip.



Dec 22 - Jan 19

This week’s spell for a lucrative slide into the DMs:

Place a go-pro on the head of a trustworthy friend, start a recording and sit in front of them, grating a piece of soap with a cheesegrater and talking quietly about how the NZ government is hiding evidence of UFO sightings. Upload the video to a second-rate video sharing website. Slide into some DMs with a link to your video.

This article first appeared in Issue 13, 2019.
Posted 11:42pm Thursday 23rd May 2019 by Critic.