UoO Moaningful Confessions | Broken By A Birthday Bonk

UoO Moaningful Confessions | Broken By A Birthday Bonk

Had a sexual encounter that was unusual, scandalous, or spicy? Send in your moaningful confession to critic@critic.co.nz



I remember it like it was yesterday. March 25, 2017. It was my boyfriend at the time’s birthday, and was I saving the best gift for last. After spending the whole day teasing him of what his last present might be, a lot of upper-thigh touching under the table at his birthday dinner and dirty texts - our primal urges were running rampant. Once we got back to his flat, there was nothing stopping us but the layer of fabric that separated us. Even though it was his birthday, I thought I might as well treat myself to a gift of some sexy Lonely Lingerie - which I found out looked better on his floor.

We went fucking nuts. It began with some heavy making out that soon turned into him being tied up on the bed while I was teasing him. As he begged for something more to happen I thought it would be time to give him his final present of the day - one of my outstanding (to which others have attested to) blowjobs. Starting with a coupe of hickies around his inner thigh, I moved my tongue across his balls and all the way up his dick. I began to suck his dick while acting as if I was licking off the inside of a Pringles can, and boy did he lose it. After a few minutes of my best performance yet, he decided he couldn’t take it anymore and grabbed a condom (safety still applies in monogamous relationships) and fucked my brains out.

We were getting really creative with all of our positions, surfaces, you name it. But him hoisting me up whilst I wrapped my legs around his neck just hit like no other. Right at the point where I was about to cum, I felt this sharp pain in my abdomen. I didn’t think anything of it, until I felt it rapidly get worse. I began to scream in pain giving my boyfriend the fright of his life as he threw me onto the bed. I curled up into the fetal position and began sobbing, this pain was so unbearable. I couldn’t move to the point I thought I had been legitimately paralysed. It felt like my whole stomach was twisting in on itself while my abdomen was on fire. This lasted for two hours, but felt like centuries. This whole time I couldn’t really move, talk or even breathe comfortably. I had no idea what was going on or what to do, so I just left it until the pain died down.

I had a smear test booked at the Sexual Health Clinic a few days later, which was honestly perfect timing. I explained what had happened, and they thought it may have been an issue with my Mirena IUD. They send me to have an ultrasound (by the way, the gel is actually really nice and warm) and informed me that I had an ovarian cyst that had ruptured due to the pressure from sex. I didn’t even know I had a cyst, let alone that they could burst. But basically, my boyfriend was fucking me so hard that it shook up everything downstairs too intensely. The nurse told me that cysts are super common, but usually they just fade away after a while. While it was the most horrific pain I’ve ever gone through, I was pretty proud at his efforts.

Moral of the story is ladies get ya smear’s done and if you feel unusual pain in your abdomen/ovaries, please go see a doctor x

This article first appeared in Issue 20, 2019.
Posted 8:38pm Saturday 17th August 2019 by Critic.