Top 10 Reasons To Drink In Your 30s

1. You watch your friends have kids and although you couldn't imagine anything worse, you start to realize the reason you don't want kids is because you grew up knowing that you were an annoying piece of shit that was a total hassle, so that's what kids mean to you now.

2. You hate that you no longer have the intense willpower to restrict your food the way you could at 19.

3. You don't know if it's worse to be thought of as "not hot", or just not even thought of anymore.

4. All the good romantic options are married, or divorced (for good reasons) with kids.

5. Your physical mobility sucks balls and you can't even pirouette even though you did 15 years of ballet.

6. You realise that home ownership is never going to be as easy for you as it was for someone on one income in 1991. Getting a PhD income or being in a relationship is literally the only way you're going to own a house that's not in the outskirts of Palmerston (the Palmerston North of the South).

7. It's so much harder to have a reliable drug hook-up in your 30s.

8. You're in an unsatisfactory relationship but can't afford to live alone and you can't bear to flat with multiple people ever again.

9. You never lived up to the "gifted" label some cunt of a primary school put on you, and now feel eternally guilty and worthless.

10. Life feels like one big to-do list because you're trying to make the most of the few years you have left whilst compensating for the worthless cunt you have turned out to be thus far.

11 (bonus). You were born just too late and just too early for free tertiary education, but just at the right time to be completely financially screwed over by your parents generation which consists of slumlords looking after their "nest eggs".

This article first appeared in Issue 17, 2019.
Posted 1:09am Friday 26th July 2019 by Critic.