Critic Booze Reviews | Water

Critic Booze Reviews | Water

Alcohol is great and all, but you know what’s better? Staying hydrated. The ol’ H20, baby. This one goes out to all you water lovers in the house tonight.

Water was first invented by Speight’s in 1998. Fun fact, that spring water tap was actually created as an April Fools joke when the ODT reported that for one day Speight’s beer would flow free of charge from the tap. God bless the ODT.

Water is delicious. It’s an insider’s tip, but add a bit of fluoride. It’s fucking amazing. I know, I know, adding fluoride to your water is a bit “girly”, and all your toothless friends may give you shit for it, but it goes down the throat better than your best friend’s boyfriend's semen. Maybe even consider chloride if you’re feeling ~fancy~. On second thought, just go to your local swimming pool and fill up a drink bottle. Before Internet porn, that was how I got my naked body kick for the day. There’s nothing like those naked, saggy adult bodies letting it all hang dry in the changing room of Moana Pool. Make sure to lick each sacred water droplet from these flesh forms. If you wear a tinfoil hat and you’re not into chemicals, then thankfully New Zealand is renowned for our fresh spring water. I mean fresh in the cool, youthful slang way, because that shit is definitely polluted.

Make sure to drink 8 glasses of water a day, which I know sounds like a lot but hey, if you can down several pints in town, I’m sure you can fit in 8 tiny glasses. It’ll prevent headaches, hangovers and, most delightfully, make sure you have to go to the bathroom every 30 minutes so you don’t have to make small talk with your boring alcoholic friends. Drinking alcohol isn’t a personality trait, guys. Apart from if you write a column about it, then it’s definitely cool and sexy.


Taste Rating: 11/10

Froth Level: Waking up with no regrets and no drunk texts to your ex.

Pairs well with: A delicious helping of fruit and vegetables.

Tasting notes: Cyclist bike shorts, metallic gel pens.

This article first appeared in Issue 19, 2019.
Posted 4:33pm Sunday 11th August 2019 by Sinkpiss Plath.