Critic Blind Date | Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson

Critic Blind Date | Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson

The hopeful lovers on the Critic Blind Date are provided with a meal and a bar tab, thanks to Mamacita. If you’re looking for love and want to give the Blind Date a go, email



Lindsay Lohan

After hyping myself up to apply for the gay edition of Blind Date and name dropping those I know that work at Critic - alas I got an offer to go on the famous date.

Since I was rushing back from uni, I didn’t have time to predrink and the nerves were really kicking in as soon as I got there. The girl I met seemed like a lovely lass that thankfully I didn’t know, because fuck that’d be awkward.

We bantered for a bit and swiftly decided to order the most expensive drink on the menu AKA a jug of frozen margarita. Me being a clumsy bitch tried to pour our drinks but somehow split it all over the table, hahahaha.

My date didn’t think it was that funny but I was cracking up! As we got to know each other, I figured out pretty quickly that we were super different. We ended up chatting the whole night away though, and were the last ones left at Mamacita’s!

We both had red cards we had to go to afterwards, and with her being injured from a recent ski incident, this limited her walking so we decided to part ways on a friendly note. All in all a nice night!

Thanks Critic x


Samantha Ronson

Roses are red, violets are blue,
I waited a while, she was only 5’2. 
She spilt our jug all over the table,
It was disappointing, heart wrenching and I wanted to bail.
As I watched salvation drip onto the floor,
My eyes gazed over toward the door. 
She told me her life, each sentence more heavy
As the words rolled past I yearned for a bevy. 
I knew she wasn’t for me,
But I wanted to try and be the best that I could be.
I listened and acknowledged and question and queried
It was interesting, simplistic yet down right concerning. 
She’s a self-proclaimed drug lord, interested in gear
And full of knowledge of what it should bear.
I became concerned, for my ride was 30minutes away
And I was feeling less and less gay.
With each word that came out, layers unraveled
And I knew that this dent student wasn’t one I could handle. 
Then out of the cracks she mentioned she was poly
And unraveled more layers which made me want molly.
I think her truth is she’s looking to be loved
But it wasn’t to be and I wasn’t looking for anything, (not even a tight hug). 
We parted ways, two pieces of different puzzles,
I ended up at a bar for a long needed guzzle.
My night finished after riddles with mates and hospital dates
And my conclusion is this:
I hope she finds the one, because she was genuinely fun xx

This article first appeared in Issue 20, 2019.
Posted 8:22pm Saturday 17th August 2019 by Critic.