Archive
Bone Apple Teeth: Eggs Benedict for a Good Fuck
Posted 6:10pm Thursday 27th February 2020 by Critic
The morning after sex plays a vital role in defining your future. If the person in question is a definite one night stand, then you needn’t worry about a good breakfast impression. A bowl of cereal is, in that case, an offer of sincere generosity. But let’s say you’ve made love to Read more...
Horoscope
Posted 6:07pm Thursday 27th February 2020 by Critic
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18 New year, new you. Go to the gym and then immediately treat yourself with Maccas. This week’s drug of choice: Sugar Pisces Feb 19 - Mar 20 It’s your birthday. Drop out of Health Sci and do that film degree. This week’s drug of Read more...
Critic Blind Date | Apollo and Artemis
Posted 5:53pm Thursday 27th February 2020 by Critic
APOLLO I approached the Critic Blind Date with a devil-may-care attitude; I wasn’t necessarily looking for a long-term relationship, but I’d happily take whatever happened naturally. I had signed up on a whim and was excited to see what would happen. I’m happy to say that my Read more...
Editorial: Fuck The 2020 Election And Fuck Anyone Who Wants Me To Cover It
Posted 2:58pm Wednesday 26th February 2020 by Sinead Gill
Party politics is boring and bullshit, and politicians are too. This year is election year. As of writing this, I haven’t even made a single Critic yet, and already there is incredible pressure from all sides for me to cover what politicians and parties are up to. But here’s Read more...
Bone Apple Teeth | Vodka Vegetarian Pantry Pasta
Posted 2:44pm Saturday 22nd February 2020 by Caroline Moratti
Welcome to Bone Apple Teeth. This column is not going to teach you how to make nachos. Everyone fucking knows how to make nachos. If you’re here for that school camp shit of defrosted meat and canned beans, please kindly turn the page. Bone Apple Teeth is about beautiful, fun, vibrant food on Read more...
Critic Booze Reviews | Gordon's Pink Gin and Soda
Posted 3:04am Friday 21st February 2020 by VirGINia Woolf-it-down
If you like Gin in-a-can, then, boy, is this the drink for you: Gin but Pink. I don’t fuck with gin too hard myself, but I was definitely intrigued by the fact Gordon’s were spicing up their line of gin with… slightly more interesting gin. Sadly, even an infusion of Read more...
Critic Blind Date | Harry and Megan
Posted 2:31am Friday 21st February 2020 by Critic
HARRY Taking chances can lead to the most rewarding experiences in life. When the call went out and Ol’ mate Critic needed some help, I was happy to oblige. A new format was interesting enough, but late afternoon was a rough time. Both parties were sober and the experience had a Read more...
Moaningful Confessions | Issue 1
Posted 12:12am Friday 21st February 2020 by Critic
Had a sexual encounter that was unusual, scandalous, or spicy? Send in your moaningful confession to critic@critic.co.nz I was going to send this in last year but at the time there were some rumours flying around about one of the people involved and I didn’t want to Read more...
Horoscope | Issue 1
Posted 12:02am Friday 21st February 2020 by Critic
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18 Aquarius Season is nearly over and everyone else will be relieved. This week’s 2am feast: A Macca’s cheeseburger that you dropped on the road. Pisces Feb 19 - Mar 20 Asking people their moon and rising sign won’t make you less Read more...
Top Ten Animals of the Air New Zealand In-Flight Entertainment Kids Map
Posted 2:23am Friday 4th October 2019 by Alex McKirdy
Let me set the scene: you’re captive in an aluminium tube, thirty thousand feet above the ocean, cruising at a speed of over eight hundred kilometres per hour. Hours have passed, and hours are yet to pass. With your senses dulled from your fourth complementary beverage, you crave a simpler Read more...
ODT Watch | Issue 26
Posted 10:04pm Thursday 3rd October 2019 by R. RY, Bachelor of Arts
111, one drug pls!!! Landlords when tenants complain about poor insulation. Fucking millennials and their new “only looking at the ground” trend. This is hopefully the first and last time the word “Lawrence” and Read more...
Student Refuses to Remove Apple Watch During Sex
Posted 9:21pm Thursday 3rd October 2019 by The Critical Tribune
“I just can’t risk it,” he says. “What if an important email comes in while I’m shaggin? My life moves too fast, man, I can’t tap out while I bang it out.” What a tremendous lifestyle. Sources close to the student report that this claim is “entirely Read more...
Graduation Actually One Giant Apple Data Harvest
Posted 9:21pm Thursday 3rd October 2019 by The Critical Tribune
A reliable source within the University has anonymously leaked information to the Critical Tribune regarding December’s graduation ceremony. Mr X has confirmed that Charlene Chainz has sold the physical data of all attending graduates to Apple Inc., in exchange for a 100-foot yacht that she Read more...
Student Attends Semi-Regular Careers Expo; Is Inundated With Employment Offers
Posted 9:20pm Thursday 3rd October 2019 by The Critical Tribune
Commerce student Lyndon Bridge is overwhelmed this week by an inbox simply bursting with job opportunities. Sources close to Bridge said that he heeded the advice of the Careers Centre and attended one of the highly exclusive events held in the Link on a Tuesday from 1pm-4pm. Six sparse tables Read more...
Thing the Person Sitting Next to You in the Library Studying Looks Hard
Posted 9:19pm Thursday 3rd October 2019 by The Critical Tribune
Oh boy, you thought your work was hard, you’ve just had a little peep at the laptop screen of the person next to you in the library and it’s completely incomprehensible. They must be a genius; they’re not even sweating looking at all those complicated squiggles and graphs. Your Read more...
UoO Moaningful Confessions | Issue 26
Posted 9:17pm Thursday 3rd October 2019 by Critic
Had a sexual encounter that was unusual, scandalous, or spicy? Send in your moaningful confession to critic@critic.co.nz Before we get into this story I need to explain something so the end makes sense. In the hall last year my friend and I took these sexy red undies from Read more...
Horoscopes | Issue 26
Posted 8:51pm Thursday 3rd October 2019 by Critic
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18 This is the week that you make an official request to change the term ‘mail man’ to ‘femail Read more...
Critic Booze Reviews | Hardy's
Posted 8:47pm Thursday 3rd October 2019 by Sinkpiss Plath
Hardy’s is my darling. My sweet saucy McMuffin. What’s so great about it? Let’s slip into something more comfortable and find out. It’s the end of the year and by now you should be well aware of how shit the BYO regulations in Dunedin are. Seriously, every other city has Read more...
Critic Blind Date | Breathe In and Breathe Out
Posted 8:46pm Thursday 3rd October 2019 by Critic
The hopeful lovers on the Critic Blind Date are provided with a meal and a bar tab, thanks to Mamacita. Critic Blind Date is no longer taking applications for 2019; keep an eye out for your chance next year. Breathe In Having just come out of a test at 7pm and with no Read more...
ODT Watch | Issue 25
Posted 11:32pm Sunday 29th September 2019 by R. RY, Bachelor of Arts
Oh no, not the eels! Without an eel population to keep them in check, the caterpillar community is thriving. The title does not stipulate whether this revenge will take place on the courts, or on the streets. Then the ODT made the biggest mistake of Read more...
Horoscopes | Issue 25
Posted 10:30pm Sunday 29th September 2019 by Critic
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18 Hypothetically, if you’re sure that you’ve broken your rib but are too afraid to get an X-ray because you’re embarrassed about all the Lego men you’ve ingested, I’m here to tell you: don’t let that deep shame hold you back from Read more...
UoO Moaningful Confessions | Spicy
Posted 10:20pm Sunday 29th September 2019 by Critic
Had a sexual encounter that was unusual, scandalous, or spicy? Send in your moaningful confession to critic@critic.co.nz When I was at Arana the RA on my dorm floor kept a cardboard box with condoms in it attached to the wall just above eye level by his door in the hallway. Read more...
American Exchange Student Spends 45 Minutes Choosing an Instagram Pic Following a Trip to Queenstown
Posted 10:14pm Sunday 29th September 2019 by The Critical Tribune
As any good exchange student knows, if you don’t post it on insty, the trip didn’t even fucking happen. Texan gal Emmaline Saunders, whose semester-long exchange to New Zealand is drawing to a close, lives by this motto. She shared her tips with the Tribune. “What you do, is Read more...
Man from Milton Claims Auckland ‘the Worst City He’s Ever Been To’ Despite Invercargill Being the Only Other City He's Seen
Posted 10:13pm Sunday 29th September 2019 by The Critical Tribune
One night on the piss, Jock McClacker, a 23-year-old from Milton, loudly told his friends that Auckland was a the worst city he had ever been to. He cited a large “wankers and gays” population as the reason behind this assessment, to the agreement of his peers, none of whom had actually Read more...
Harlene Hayne Requests Critic’s Spending, Finds $15,000 Spent on Something Called ‘Sick Fids’
Posted 8:06pm Sunday 29th September 2019 by The Critical Tribune
In retaliation for Critic’s recent request of her expenses, Harlene Hayne has requested every detail of Critic’s annual budget. However, Harlene was stuck when she found a large percentage of the budget was credited to someone with the improbable name of Sick Fids. “I have no Read more...
Critic Blind Date | Elon Musk and Grimes
Posted 8:00pm Sunday 29th September 2019 by Critic
The hopeful lovers on the Critic Blind Date are provided with a meal and a bar tab, thanks to Mamacita. Critic Blind Date is no longer taking applications for 2019; keep an eye out for your chance next year. Elon Musk So the big night had finally come, I was at my flat, Read more...
2.73 Billion People Do Not Know About Recent University of Otago Study On Loch Ness Monster
Posted 11:30pm Thursday 26th September 2019 by The Critical Tribune
Last week, University Comms man, Mark Hathaway, wrote a blogpost about his part in communicating a study by University of Otago Proffesor Neil Gemmell on the Loch Ness monster to 4.8 billion people, falling short by 2.73 billion of total world saturation, making the whole Loch Ness project a Read more...
Critic Booze Reviews | Kracken Rum
Posted 10:44pm Thursday 26th September 2019 by Sinkpiss Plath
The slosh of pouring a glass of Kraken rum is what good pussy sounds like. It’s wet, ethnically ambiguous and holds enough power to bring you to your knees. Get sippin’. Kraken is infused with 11 different herbs and spices, which is coincidentally the same number as KFC’s Read more...
ODT Watch | Issue 24
Posted 5:09pm Sunday 22nd September 2019 by R. RY, Bachelor of Arts
The ODT came out this week with some very bold claims. The ODT have clearly never seen an episode of Ihor Macijiwsky’s Canadian reality television series Mantracker. Or gotten their period after having unprotected sex. Next up, the ODT was back it with one of their classic Read more...
UoO Moaningful Confessions | Issue 24
Posted 8:48pm Friday 20th September 2019 by Critic
Had a sexual encounter that was unusual, scandalous, or spicy? Send in your moaningful confession to critic@critic.co.nz It all started with a feeling of impending doom post that fucker of a Chem 191 midterm, and the fact that I’m in first year health sci and Read more...
Booze Review Writer goes Straight Edge, Reviews Smug Sense of Superiority Each Week
Posted 11:06am Friday 20th September 2019 by The Critical Tribune
Swilliam Shakesbeer, Critic’s resident booze reviewer, has recently announced that they have completely cut out all drugs and alcohol. “I just feel so much healthier, you know,” Swilliam wrote in their latest column. When Critic Editor Charlie O’Mannin approached Swilliam Read more...
Film Student Really Wants You to Understand Tarantino Like He Does
Posted 11:05am Friday 20th September 2019 by The Critical Tribune
Otago Media Film and Communications student, Jordan Fleming, maintains Tarantino is the best director of all time (although says Stanley Kubrick is a close second). He asks if you would like to come around on Friday night and watch Kill Bill with him so he can explain every frame to you. “With Read more...
Student Votes in OUSA Election, Realises They Matched With All Presidential Candidates on Tinder
Posted 10:54am Friday 20th September 2019 by The Critical Tribune
Third-year student, Anna Brown, felt as if she already knew the OUSA presidential candidates, despite never meeting them. Upon reading their bios in last week’s Critic, as well as seeing their faces smeared over social media, Anna couldn’t help but shake the familiar feeling she got from Read more...
Radio One Golden Ticket Found Hidden Inside Stack of Volunteer Forms
Posted 10:54am Friday 20th September 2019 by The Critical Tribune
It turns out that Radio One’s golden ticket giveaway campaign may have been a ploy to attract a new batch of volunteers after last week the ticket was found hidden under a freshly printed stack of volunteer application forms. Barry Huntly, a second-year Business student, was the latest Read more...
Horoscopes | Issue 24
Posted 10:43am Friday 20th September 2019 by Critic
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18 Things are weighing heavy on your mind this week, Aquarius. If you stick a finger far enough up your nose you’ll be able to pull out some brain matter and ease the pressure. This week’s inspiring mumble rap lyric: “Karma’s a bitch but she Read more...
Critic Booze Reviews | Coruba and Cola
Posted 10:35am Friday 20th September 2019 by Sinkpiss Plath
Coruba & Cola is far too sweet. The word “cola” should tip you off - no one uses that word unless forced – and the result is a sugary jizz concoction that would leave Barry B. Benson ashamed and with a sticky lower stomach. Quick, someone grab the tissues before mum gets home. Read more...
Critic Blind Date | Kate and Leo
Posted 10:33am Friday 20th September 2019 by Critic
The hopeful lovers on the Critic Blind Date are provided with a meal and a bar tab, thanks to Mamacita. Critic Blind Date is no longer taking applications for 2019; keep an eye out for your chance next year. Kate Dunedin is terribly small. At first, I was Read more...
ODT Watch | Issue 23
Posted 1:03am Friday 13th September 2019 by R. RY, Bachelor of Arts
Let’s start this week with a classic ol’ ODT pun Yeah it’s about a toilet that’s doing well. How did you guess? Then ODT hit us hard with the facts We move on to my favourite section of the ODT, the “Ask a Read more...
Horoscopes | Issue 23
Posted 12:36am Friday 13th September 2019 by Critic
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18 Jupiter position in relation to Mercury means if they have a Hilux, run. This week’s repressed memory: James Charles’ leaked nudes. Pisces Feb 19 - Mar 20 Have pre-marital sex this week and you are going straight to hell, except if you Read more...
Critic Blind Date | Chad and Avril
Posted 12:31am Friday 13th September 2019 by Critic
The hopeful lovers on the Critic Blind Date are provided with a meal and a bar tab, thanks to Mamacita. Critic Blind Date is no longer taking applications for 2019; keep an eye out for your chance next year. Chad It was a cold night in Breatherville when I applied to do Read more...
Top 10 Reasons to Listen to Radio One 91FM by Radio One 91FM Staff
Posted 12:05am Friday 13th September 2019 by Critic
We play good music We give away free stuff There's a cool dog called Charlie We have better scoops than Rob Roy Your mates probably host a show and you’ve been lying about listening for too long. Tom Tremewan and Henessey Griffiths work there, and they definitely didn’t Read more...
UoO Moaningful Confessions | Virtual Vikings and Vixens
Posted 12:04am Friday 13th September 2019 by Critic
Had a sexual encounter that was unusual, scandalous, or spicy? Send in your moaningful confession to critic@critic.co.nz This one’s a different one than usual but hear me out. This happened sometime 2016-2017, where a young fresh eyed undergrad me in his time not Read more...
Teenager in Polo Cap and Oversized Vintage Tee to Headline Laneway 2020
Posted 11:51pm Thursday 12th September 2019 by The Critical Tribune
Laneway’s recent 2020 line up announcement has declared local Auckland talent, Josh Smith (not that Josh Smith) as headliner for this year’s event. A so-called ‘man of the people’ Josh looks forward to playing Mac DeMarco’s Spotify radio algorithm from his decks while Read more...
Wearing Speed Dealer Glasses at Drinking Events Scientifically Proven As a Great Personality Replacement
Posted 11:50pm Thursday 12th September 2019 by The Critical Tribune
In a recent study undertaken by the University of Otago Psychology Department, participants with a profound lack of personality were found to be liked more by others when wearing quirky shades. This finding was not to the surprise of students interviewed, with one student saying, “that kient Read more...
Lecturer Wasted on Holiday in Queenstown Freezes in Fear Upon Seeing Students
Posted 11:49pm Thursday 12th September 2019 by The Critical Tribune
Microbiology lecturer, Sarah Doctorindahouse, was minding her own business getting completely written off on holiday when she spied some of her students peering over at her in the club. "I just wanted to get fucked up on MDMA on a well-deserved break, but now these cunts are going to be Read more...
Local Student Gives One of Dunedin’s Walking Tracks a Go, Cures Depression
Posted 11:49pm Thursday 12th September 2019 by The Critical Tribune
George West, Law and Philosophy student, had tried everything to cure his seasonal depression. He just thought that he was pushing through it when James Heath announced that he was not running for 2020 OUSA president, making him hit an all time low. “I just didn’t know how to snap out of Read more...
Critic Booze Reviews | Bell's Scotch
Posted 11:41pm Thursday 12th September 2019 by Sinkpiss Plath
Bell’s Scotch is an alcohol that should have died with the dinosaurs; the meteorite was close, but not close enough. Scotch is also, coincidentally, the postgrad drink of choice. Perhaps they’ve had so many bad nights with vodka, gin and rum that after a few years of drinking this is Read more...
ODT Watch | Issue 22
Posted 10:17pm Sunday 8th September 2019 by R. RY, Bachelor of Arts
University of Otago Marine Biology postgraduates have reportedly been working on a classified project involving local seal populations. Seems seals struggle to save sufficient serotonin to cite circumspection. After weeks of lying to himself about Read more...
Wow! Impressive Local Boy Jumps Up and Touches Hanging Shop Sign on George Street
Posted 11:48pm Thursday 5th September 2019 by The Critical Tribune
Crowds of women swoon and fan themselves with ‘kerchiefs as local student Josh Cunnings takes a running leap down George Street, reaching up to slap the Yaks n Yeti’s sign as he does. “He’s so above average in height,” sighed one girl, gazing after Josh as he Read more...
Clocktower Goblin Made Redundant as University Updates to Automated Bells
Posted 11:47pm Thursday 5th September 2019 by The Critical Tribune
Otago University’s resident hunchback finds himself newly unemployed as the proctor installs an automated striking clock system, rendering Bogdan Bogusław’s hourly bell ringing obsolete. For the last 89 years, Bogdan has faithfully squatted behind the clock face, pulling the Read more...
Local Goth Pleased to Find They’re Accidentally Supporting Thursdays in Black
Posted 11:46pm Thursday 5th September 2019 by The Critical Tribune
“Let me get this straight,” said Dunedin goth Jonathan “Blood Dread” Brown. “All I’ve got to do to show my support for survivors of sexual violence is to wear black one day a week? I’ve been wearing black every day since I was 13 and heard Green Day for the Read more...
Study: Flatmate’s Dishes Date Back to the Neolithic Era
Posted 11:45pm Thursday 5th September 2019 by The Critical Tribune
In groundbreaking new research, local Archaeology student Penny Tration has successfully dated her flatmate's dishes back to the early Neolithic. “By observing the remains of homo flatematus we can learn valuable things about their habits and lifestyle. For example, prior to this study Read more...
Top 10 Māori Songs You WIll 238% Hear At Māori Parties
Posted 11:44pm Thursday 5th September 2019 by Critic
Whakatō te Kākano – Mauri Ka Mānu – Bella Kalolo, Maisey Rika, Majic, Ria Hall, Rob Ruha, Seth Haapu, Troy Kingi, The Witch Dr. Whangai Aroha (DWFI – Māori) – Tomorrow People Whakahonohono Mai – 1814 He Rangi Ataahua – Te Reotakiwa Read more...
UoO Moaningful Confessions | The British Brunette in Bali
Posted 11:05pm Thursday 5th September 2019 by Critic
Had a sexual encounter that was unusual, scandalous, or spicy? Send in your moaningful confession to critic@critic.co.nz On the way home from one of my frequent trips to Indonesia, my friends were travelling on to a different country and I had about 8 hours to kill between Read more...
Horoscopes | Issue 22
Posted 10:57pm Thursday 5th September 2019 by Critic
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18 Don’t forget to wash your bits. This week’s URL to masturbate to: https://www.furaffinity.net/view/10401685/ Pisces Feb 19 - Mar 20 Mum always told you that you’d find the person you’d marry at uni, but it’s Read more...
Critic Booze Reviews | Great White Shark
Posted 10:35pm Thursday 5th September 2019 by Sinkpiss Plath
I’m not sure if making a non-sweet RTD is an incredible idea, doomed to fail or both. Great White Sharks tastes like liquidised celery, which is not something I ever particularly wanted to try, but then again I’ve sucked your dad’s dick. Guess which one is more sticky when it pours Read more...
Critic Blind Date | Sharon and Ozzy
Posted 10:33pm Thursday 5th September 2019 by Critic
The hopeful lovers on the Critic Blind Date are provided with a meal and a bar tab, thanks to Mamacita. If you’re looking for love and want to give the Blind Date a go, email blinddate@critic.co.nz Sharon Running late from dying my hair blue and my hands looking Read more...
ODT Watch | Issue 21
Posted 5:26pm Sunday 1st September 2019 by R. RY, Bachelor of Arts
This week the ODT had a series of ethical dilemmas. First, the age old question: And then an enigma for the modern age, Always go potatoes. Property is nothing but trouble. The ODT have a brave new marketing strategy… The ODT are notorious for being Read more...
Some Old Guy in Lecture Theatre Won’t Stop Mansplaining
Posted 11:02pm Thursday 29th August 2019 by The Critical Tribune
Look at him, standing at the front of the class, mansplaining about physics from a PowerPoint slide. What a twat. Calls himself a “professor” or “doctor” or “lecturer” or something, like I’d give gosh darn hookin-dooky. He’s going on about something Read more...
Lad Wearing Shorts in Winter; a Harrowing Statement about Climate Change
Posted 11:01pm Thursday 29th August 2019 by The Critical Tribune
William Maverick of Leith Street isn’t just wearing booty shorts in winter to show off those toned, sinewy, powerful, sexy rugby-player calves. He doesn’t need to prove himself as a man by eschewing trousers, nor is he swayed by the ridicule and emasculation of his flatties (ha ha Read more...
Finally, a Safe Space for the Straight’s
Posted 10:59pm Thursday 29th August 2019 by The Critical Tribune
The Dunedin heterosexual community rejoices as last week the “e” on the Alley Cantina sign fell off, rendering the establishment an exclusive venue where the Straights in SLGBT+ can live their truth. “It’s great having a place just for us,” said one staunchly male Read more...
Lecturer Can’t Be Fucked Disguising Real Personality Any Longer Once You Hit 4th Year
Posted 10:54pm Thursday 29th August 2019 by The Critical Tribune
Yesterday, local Chemistry lecturer, Dr Steven Marks, let out a long sigh of exasperation as a 400-level student struggled to recall the value of RT. Initially panicking, he relaxed when he realised it was only a postgrad class of eight students and he could give up the nice “eager to Read more...
Top 10 Things You Could Have Done Over Mid-Semester Break if Your Life Was More Together
Posted 10:46pm Thursday 29th August 2019 by Critic
1. Masturbate. For the entire time. 2. Catch up on those assignments you've been avoiding. 3. Catch up on all of that weed you could have been smoking. 4. Snoop through your flatmates’ bedrooms while they're at home for the week. 5. Roam around campus. Soak in the Read more...
UoO Moaningful Confessions | The Room
Posted 10:45pm Thursday 29th August 2019 by Critic
Had a sexual encounter that was unusual, scandalous, or spicy? Send in your moaningful confession to critic@critic.co.nz To set the scene. I had installed Tinder and had trouble building momentum for the first few weeks. All the guys seemed to be the same breather, dropping Read more...
Horoscopes | Issue 21
Posted 10:30pm Thursday 29th August 2019 by Critic
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18 Stand in the lounge facing the flatmate you hate the most. Hold your hands up, make them mirror your actions. Start weeping, break the distance, hold them close. This week’s lunchbox trade: Blue Moosie Pisces Feb 19 - Mar 20 No wonder Read more...
Critic Booze Reviews | Gordon’s Gin and Tonic
Posted 10:24pm Thursday 29th August 2019 by Sinkpiss Plath
There’re times in one’s life when you just have to say "fuck it" and drink G&T in a can. For those who are experiencing the bleakness of life’s existence, just drink Gordon’s Gin and Tonic RTD 12-pack and get it over with. For me, a G&T is what I drink when Read more...
Critic Blind Date | Aristotle and Plato
Posted 10:14pm Thursday 29th August 2019 by Critic
The hopeful lovers on the Critic Blind Date are provided with a meal and a bar tab, thanks to Mamacita. If you’re looking for love and want to give the Blind Date a go, email blinddate@critic.co.nz Aristotle My night started off with my two (female) friends blasting Read more...
Top 10 Most Kissable Animals
Posted 11:04pm Saturday 17th August 2019 by Critic
Moray eels. Swoon! There’s a reason their name sounds like the Latin word for “love”. What’s more romantic than a trustworthy partner? Kiss a tiger and know that, despite the fact they could horrifically maim or kill you, they’re making out with you Read more...
Lecturer Has Actually Used a Computer in The Past
Posted 8:40pm Saturday 17th August 2019 by The Critical Tribune
Lecturer who can’t even get the projector to work swears that he “knows a lot about technology” and even claims to create his own PowerPoints. “I didn’t know what was happening,” Terrence Technophobe (PhD) told the Tribune. “Usually when I press that button Read more...
Philosophy Student Mistakenly Believes That Everyone at Party is Fascinated By Dead Greeks.
Posted 8:40pm Saturday 17th August 2019 by The Critical Tribune
“He wouldn’t shut up,” said one unfortunate victim. “He kept talking about ‘Plato’s Allegory’. More like ‘Plato’s alle-snorey’.” Another partygoer said that nobody even knew who he was, and that he just appeared out from under the Read more...
Dumpy Plain Girl With Good Sense of Humour Wishes that More Guys Would Ask Her About Her Friends
Posted 8:39pm Saturday 17th August 2019 by The Critical Tribune
Local 24-year-old office admin assistant Stacey has recently confessed to sources that she would be having the time of her life in this pub, if only some more guys could befriend her and ask her about her thinner, blonder friend Laura. “It’s just really frustrating,” Stacey told Read more...
Gran’s New Reading Glasses Coming in Real Handy For Reading Jayden’s New All-Script Tattoo
Posted 8:38pm Saturday 17th August 2019 by The Critical Tribune
“I know the kids are all getting the tattoos these days,” said 71-year-old Barbara. “And so when my grandson Jayden got one on his back, I thought ‘ooh! I need my glasses to see this’ so I went and put them on and I was touched to see a Bible passage.” Sources Read more...
UoO Moaningful Confessions | Broken By A Birthday Bonk
Posted 8:38pm Saturday 17th August 2019 by Critic
Had a sexual encounter that was unusual, scandalous, or spicy? Send in your moaningful confession to critic@critic.co.nz I remember it like it was yesterday. March 25, 2017. It was my boyfriend at the time’s birthday, and was I saving the best gift for last. After Read more...
Horoscopes | Issue 20
Posted 8:32pm Saturday 17th August 2019 by Critic
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18 Not being able to sweat isn’t a personality, Aquarius. This week’s fashion icon: Bruce the Neopet. This week’s fashion faux pas: Crimped hair. Pisces Feb 19 - Mar 20 Everyone shits the bed at some point in their life, Pisces. Read more...
Critic Booze Reviews | Booze Reviews: Chasseur Cask Medium White Wine
Posted 8:23pm Saturday 17th August 2019 by Sinkpiss Plath
Ring the wedding bells; I’m getting married. That’s right, I’ve found the one. Well, kind of. I don’t mean she’s as sexy as tequila or as good in bed as Jägermeister. She’s a far throw from my childhood love (RTDs, I miss you) but I'm a third year now, Read more...
Critic Blind Date | Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson
Posted 8:22pm Saturday 17th August 2019 by Critic
The hopeful lovers on the Critic Blind Date are provided with a meal and a bar tab, thanks to Mamacita. If you’re looking for love and want to give the Blind Date a go, email blinddate@critic.co.nz Lindsay Lohan After hyping myself up to apply for the gay edition of Read more...
ODT Watch | Issue 20
Posted 8:18pm Saturday 17th August 2019 by R. RY, Bachelor of Arts
This week the ODT have some hard-hitting questions Yes. Next, Winston Peters’ mother has something to fucking say “No one apart from my son, Winston S. Peters, should be allowed to vote.” Winston was later heard saying, “Shuduuuup Mum, Read more...
ODT Watch | Issue 19
Posted 2:49pm Monday 12th August 2019 by R. RY, Bachelor of Arts
This week, the ODT is reporting on a miraculous occurrence. “MAGIC’S NOT REAL.” I cried into my pillow, insanely jealous. The ODT have been getting really into classic children’s film Monsters Inc. (2001), directed by Pete Docter.Rude. Mike Wazowski is a Read more...
Communist East Dundas Opens New Student Pub, “We-Bar”
Posted 4:54pm Sunday 11th August 2019 by The Critical Tribune
The East Dundas soup line has a new competitor as students queue up to grab a pint from We-Bar for only 12,000 Breathamark (roughly converted to NZD $5). The new gastropub was unveiled by the Most Honourable Commander Härleen Veda Hajne herself, headlined by local bands “I’m So Read more...
Girl Resolves to Turn Over New Leaf With a Facemask and Goals During Sunday’s Comedown
Posted 4:53pm Sunday 11th August 2019 by The Critical Tribune
Michaela’s life has been falling apart this year. Uni has overwhelmed her, her GPA has slipped, her fitness regime has fallen off the perch and she’s been partying too hard. “I can change,” Michaela told sources recently. “I just need to have visions and goals and some Read more...
Postgrad Student Walks Back to Castle Street at 5pm to Move Car
Posted 4:53pm Sunday 11th August 2019 by The Critical Tribune
“Oh shit look at the time,” said local postgraduate student Patrick Glaze (24) as his alarm buzzed. “It’s almost 5pm and it’s getting dark. Those young hooligans will be pouring down Castle in their droves, destroying everything in their wake. I’d better go move Read more...
Local Woman Reckons She Would Fare Pretty Well In Prison
Posted 4:52pm Sunday 11th August 2019 by The Critical Tribune
After binge watching the full series of Netflix's Jailbirds, 32-year-old Sara was recently overheard telling friends that she would be sweet as in jail. "I've got lots of tattoos and I'm quite big so I reckon nobody would mess with me," she declared. She figures that with her Read more...
Top 10 Fun Things to Do at The Hospital
Posted 4:51pm Sunday 11th August 2019 by Critic
1. Try out the robots. There are robots everywhere. If you don’t know what they do, find out! Push some buttons, twist some knobs, who knows what that goddamned android will come up with! 2. Get a catheter. The place is lousy with nurses, and surely if you ask enough of them, one will be Read more...
UoO Moaningful Confessions | Tinder Threesome Taped to Telephone
Posted 4:47pm Sunday 11th August 2019 by Critic
Had a sexual encounter that was unusual, scandalous, or spicy? Send in your moaningful confession to critic@critic.co.nz It was a Wednesday like any other. It had been grey and wet all day, and something about the sound of rain on the roof of the chemistry building had me Read more...
Horoscopes | Issue 19
Posted 4:39pm Sunday 11th August 2019 by Critic
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18 The stars are mourning the death of one of the gr8s, Toni Morrison. Honour your fellow Aquarius this week by reading one of her books. Or any book, even. This week’s meet up: Monday 10am, second floor Central, PS 3563 08749. Pisces Feb 19 - Mar Read more...
Critic Booze Reviews | Water
Posted 4:33pm Sunday 11th August 2019 by Sinkpiss Plath
Alcohol is great and all, but you know what’s better? Staying hydrated. The ol’ H20, baby. This one goes out to all you water lovers in the house tonight. Water was first invented by Speight’s in 1998. Fun fact, that spring water tap was actually created as an April Fools joke Read more...
Critic Blind Date | Fiona and Shrek
Posted 4:30pm Sunday 11th August 2019 by Critic
The hopeful lovers on the Critic Blind Date are provided with a meal and a bar tab, thanks to Mamacita. If you’re looking for love and want to give the Blind Date a go, email blinddate@critic.co.nz Fiona As soon as I arrived on my exchange, I knew kiwi dick was Read more...
Student Led Lemonade Stand Forcibly Removed From Meridian Mall
Posted 8:22pm Sunday 4th August 2019 by The Critical Tribune
Duhamel Bosworth, CEO of Totally Legit Lemonade, was removed from mall grounds last weekend. When security asked Bosworth to present paperwork proving that his stall was permitted in the mall, he presented them with a handwritten note that was "super legit, absolutely real" and not written Read more...
Fucking Sick: Those Guys Just Kicked Over a Rubbish Bin
Posted 8:21pm Sunday 4th August 2019 by The Critical Tribune
Bro, fuck yeah. That shit is fucking hilarious. See the way it fell over? And all that garbage fell out? Fuck yeah. Broooo that pizza box just blew onto the road. Know what would be real funny? If someone had to pick all that shit up. Haha, fucking idiots. I bet the garbage dudes are gunna be Read more...
Innovative Marine Biology Major Installs Fish Nets in Leith River, Catches Rare Selection of Billy Mav Cans
Posted 8:20pm Sunday 4th August 2019 by The Critical Tribune
Finn Jameson has been looking for a way to make his name known in the competitive world of marine biology, and he might just have caught his big break. Jameson’s thesis was about whether or not the sheer volume of breatha garbage in the Leith was forcing the marine life in the area to grow Read more...
Entire Witchcraft 102 Class Disintegrates After Surprise Rain On Fieldtrip
Posted 8:20pm Sunday 4th August 2019 by The Critical Tribune
All students of Witchcraft 102: Hexes In Contemporary Society were reduced to ash after a shock shower last Thursday. “It’s an absolute tragedy. We had such a promising class of crones this year,” said the lecturer for the class, Ethel Turtleback. Miss Turtleback refused to Read more...
Horoscopes | Issue 18
Posted 8:13pm Sunday 4th August 2019 by Critic
Aquarius Jan 20 - Feb 18 The new moon left your relationship zone last week and it’s time to do some oversharing with acquaintances, strangers and work colleagues. This week’s crime: You let yourself down. It’s time to revenge porn yourself. Pisces Feb 19 - Read more...
Critic Booze Reviews | Kahlúa
Posted 8:08pm Sunday 4th August 2019 by Sinkpiss Plath
Have you ever woken up in the morning and thought to yourself ‘I want a very, very mediocre cappuccino’ (and can’t be bothered walking to Good Earth)? When the urge strikes, I go straight to Kahlúa. Kahlúa is a coffee flavoured liqueur, for those of you who are Read more...
Critic Blind Date | Molly Mae and Maura
Posted 8:04pm Sunday 4th August 2019 by Critic
The hopeful lovers on the Critic Blind Date are provided with a meal and a bar tab, thanks to Mamacita. If you’re looking for love and want to give the Blind Date a go, email blinddate@critic.co.nz Molly Mae It all started two weeks ago when Critic posted that they Read more...
UoO Moaningful Confessions | The Ear Piercing Pegger
Posted 8:01pm Sunday 4th August 2019 by Critic
Had a sexual encounter that was unusual, scandalous, or spicy? Send in your moaningful confession to critic@critic.co.nz I had my bed against the wall of my flatmates room, and recently just got a girlfriend who is incredible in bed. Like dirty af, loves Read more...
Critic Booze Reviews | Pepe Lopez Gold Tequila
Posted 4:34am Friday 26th July 2019 by Sinkpiss Plath
My dear readers, recently I found out some devastating news. Masterchef Australia has lost its three beautiful judges: George, Matt and Gary. For those of you that are fans of the beloved cooking show, this will come as a blow that may never be truly recovered from. With the weight of these Read more...
UoO Moaningful Confessions | Valliant Vomiter Vandalises Venue
Posted 1:24am Friday 26th July 2019 by Critic
t was my 20th birthday. I was probably the most smashed I have ever been; to the point where I am legitimately surprised that I remembeIr this much. I went to town after a few too many brews (and far too many cones) with no ambition to go home with anyone, but once being introduced to this guy Read more...
Top 10 Reasons To Drink In Your 30s
Posted 1:09am Friday 26th July 2019 by Critic
1. You watch your friends have kids and although you couldn't imagine anything worse, you start to realize the reason you don't want kids is because you grew up knowing that you were an annoying piece of shit that was a total hassle, so that's what kids mean to you now. 2. You hate Read more...
Mould Growing on Bathroom Ceiling Actually New Form of Cheese
Posted 6:02pm Thursday 25th July 2019 by The Critical Tribune
Fourth-year Human Nutrition student Emma Greenwood recently discovered that what she previously thought was deadly black mould is actually a delicious new form of cheese. She said, “My flatmate spilled a bottle of milk upstairs last semester, and we all kinda couldn’t be bothered to Read more...
Scarfie With Flaming Couch Tattoo Never Burned a Couch In His Life
Posted 6:01pm Thursday 25th July 2019 by The Critical Tribune
Third-year Biology student Thomas King has been showing off his latest tattoo, which depicts an iconic Otago University couch burning. However, new evidence has shown that King has never having actually burned a couch. Some have claimed that King’s tattoo is cultural appropriation, and that Read more...
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