Horoscopes | Issue 24

Horoscopes | Issue 24


Jan 20 - Feb 18

Things are weighing heavy on your mind this week, Aquarius. If you stick a finger far enough up your nose you’ll be able to pull out some brain matter and ease the pressure.

This week’s inspiring mumble rap lyric: “Karma’s a bitch but she was my bitch” :(



Feb 19 - Mar 20

Draw the most realistic picture of your genitals your artistic abilities allow onto a sheet of refill. Fold it into a paper plane and let it fly from the second-floor Central balcony.

This week’s inspiring mumble rap lyric: “No I’m not a rat but I’m all about that cheddar”



Mar 21 - Apr 19

This week is a really good time to buy a Chuppa Chupp from Campus Shop. Cos life sucks and so do you, Aries.

This week’s inspiring mumble rap lyric: “Yeah, walk around pigeon-toed, got the bird flu (Brrr) And you think you in love, don't wan' hurt you (Woah)”



Apr 20 - May 20

The cosmos told me you are kinda emo this week. Cheer up and have a banana eh. You’ll be feeling better in no time.

This week’s inspiring mumble rap lyric: “Made a million dollars fuck the fans over you, in the back of the cut, sipping cranberry juice”



May 21 - Jun 20

Gemini you always leave shit to the last minute but the cosmos knows it’s not your fault. Delete all your tabs even if you haven’t finished your essay. You’ll feel better about yourself momentarily.

This week’s inspiring mumble rap lyric: “Fendi fur on my hat (Fur, fur) I don't hang wit' no rats (Yeah I don't hang) I could never get attached (Nah)”



Jun 21 - July 22

No point in going to see IT Chapter 2 when you boning a fucking clown already. Stop replying to their texts and know that you deserve more.

This week’s inspiring mumble rap lyric: “Hit that pussy like golf ball (Like golf ball)”



July 23 - Aug 22

Venus moves into SexperimentationVille for you this week, Leo. The cosmos says that if you put an airpod up your butt and play drum and bass at reasonable volume, you could hit the male G spot.

This week’s inspiring mumble rap lyric: “Hard liquor, hard truth, can't swallow. Need a bartender, put me out my sorrow. Wake up the next day in the Monte Carlo”



Aug 23 - Sep 22

The stars told me that this week something kinda ratchet is gonna happen to you. It also said you should lie next to the Leith and dangle a couple of fingers in there dramatically. Careful of the trout tho.

This week’s inspiring mumble rap lyric: “I was born with all this drip, I came out a faucet (Drip)”



Sep 23 - Oct 22

Some say that when you can’t make a decision you should flip a coin. Wrong. Masturbate at least three times this week and reap the rewards of post-nut clarity.

This week’s inspiring mumble rap lyric: “Colder than Coca-Cola mascot, polar bear. Put my sauce on lasagna it could make Garfield purr (Prr)”



Oct 23 - Nov 21

The ego is lacking this week, Scorpio. Watch a season of MTV’s Catfish to feel better about yourself; admire Nev’s chest hair and question humanity as a whole.

This week’s inspiring mumble rap lyric: “Thank Tom for a stove (Stove), Without Edison I wouldn't be here, so, I thank God for the stove (Stove)”



Nov 22 - Dec 21

If you haven’t got your measles vaccination you should really get it now. Cosmos and common sense says so. This goes for all the signs but especially Sagittarius this week.

This week’s inspiring mumble rap lyric: “Santa Claus, don't trust no elves. Fuck you mean? I barely trust myself”



Dec 22 - Jan 19

Buy a pair of teeny tiny glasses for festival season and you’ll be like 3000 times cooler, trust me.

This week’s inspiring mumble rap lyric: “I'm Madagascar, I'm royalty like Lemur King. Told her be careful, my penis just like limousine”

This article first appeared in Issue 24, 2019.
Posted 10:43am Friday 20th September 2019 by Critic.