Critic Booze Reviews | Kracken Rum

Critic Booze Reviews | Kracken Rum

The slosh of pouring a glass of Kraken rum is what good pussy sounds like. It’s wet, ethnically ambiguous and holds enough power to bring you to your knees. Get sippin’.

Kraken is infused with 11 different herbs and spices, which is coincidentally the same number as KFC’s original recipe chicken. They’re probably the same spices; let's face it, everything links back to a corporate monopoly in the end. I have to admit, I taste only about three of the 11, but who needs a nuanced and balanced flavour palette? The overwhelming taste of cloves is deeply underappreciated in our current political climate.

Kraken was named in tribute to a legendary sea monster of colossal proportions that once attacked a large shipment of black-spiced rum off the coast of the Caribbean Islands, which is also shown on the side of the bottle. You’ve gotta admit, there are worse names to give a rum, such as, I don’t know, Captain Morgan? Captain Morgan was literally a colonialist that stripped wealth from Cuba and Panama. We don’t stan. Get yourself a non-problematic giant squid instead. Kraken’s branding is all kinds of whack, offering 10% discounts for those that take a ‘league of darkness’ entrance exam. Fuck that, I’m so fucking sick of exams, just let me drink, please. And drink we shall.

If you’re looking to gift someone a big ol’ bottle of alcohol for a 21st present, look no further. It’s ‘fancy’ in a way only a drawing of a sea monster could be, but will set you back a mere $10 more than the standard fare for bottom shelf rums. Finding alcohol with a well-designed label shouldn’t be so hard, but it is. A good font choice can speak a thousand words.


Taste Rating: 8/10

Froth Level: Finding a washed up barrel of rum on the beach :)))

Pairs well with: Ghost stories, the spice rack department of your local supermarket after an earthquake.

Tasting notes: Cloves. Is the singular Clive? I don’t know.

This article first appeared in Issue 25, 2019.
Posted 10:44pm Thursday 26th September 2019 by Sinkpiss Plath.