Welcome to Bone Apple Teeth. This column is not going to teach you how to make nachos. Everyone fucking knows how to make nachos. If you’re here for that school camp shit of defrosted meat and canned beans, please kindly turn the page. Bone Apple Teeth is about beautiful, fun, vibrant food on a student’s budget and imagination. This column will answer some of the big questions, like what kind of breakfast you should make for your one night stand? What delicious lunch can you prepare to prevent you from spending obscene amounts of money on campus sushi? How can you elevate your Mi Goreng from flaccid to bazinga? The answers, mes petits chefs, will be unfolded each week.
This week, Bone Apple Teeth started where all flat meals do: with pasta. The kind you knock together for a meal in an attempt to make amends for forgetting to take the bins out again. The classic pasta mistake comes from the age-old itch to gravitate towards the cheap canned tomato (or even worse, the overpriced and under-seasoned pasta sauce) as the foundation of your sauce. It’s lumpy and boring, much like post-grad breasts. Vodka pasta is smooth, tomatoey, creamy and, most importantly, contains alcohol. It’s the perky fresher tits of flat dinners. Put whatever kind of shit you like in your pasta, I recommend a fresh element like tomato and red onion. Please don’t put canned beans in it though. I beg of you.
Serves 4, or just one really big serving of pasta if you’re sad.
- Bag o’ Pasta (whatever shape you want, but rigatoni and spaghetti make it feel fancy)
- Half a tube of tomato paste
- Onion and ya girl garlic
- Cauliflower, red onion, tomatoes, whatever the fuck else you have in your fridge
- Cheese, yum
- Cup o’ milk
- Vodka (ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:･ﾟ✧
Estimated price per plate: $4.20 – but cheaper if you can just steal some vodka and cheese from your flatmate.
- Chuck some cauliflower chunks in the oven (180, you know the drill), make sure to slather with oil, salt, pepper and spices depending on how white you’re feeling. Cook until toasty.
- While waiting for the cauliflower, dice the onion and probably like four garlic cloves. Maybe more. Probably more, let’s be honest. Brown them together in a pan for fiveish minutes (use your biggest pan, trust me babe). You’re not trying to reach caramelisation stage, just add a touch of colour.
- Squeeze half a tube of tomato paste into the pan. Stir occasionally for another five minutes.
- Meanwhile, put the kettle on for your pasta water. Make sure to fucking salt your pasta water (we’re talking about tablespoons of salt, NOT teaspoons; we’re not here to make love to spiders).
- Once reddy-brown, pour in a generous slosh of vodka. This will deglaze the pan and help save all those aromatic flavours. Also take a shot for yourself, because it’s been a tough week.
- Now in goes the milk. It’s gonna mix with the onions and the tomato pasta and all that good shit to gradually form a sauce, just keep stirring.
- Remember about that cauliflower you put in the oven at the start. Say ‘Oh shit!’ and pull it out.
- The pasta should be ready (you want it al dente, so still cooked but a lil raw on the inside, like good pussy). DON’T DRAIN THE PASTA WATER. Instead just ladle those fuckers out into the saucepan, don’t worry if you get a bit of water in there.
- Get some tongs and just fucking mix it all together. Gradually pour in half a cup of pasta water - it’ll absorb quickly and will help make the sauce silky smooth. Toss in a handful of cheese during this process to bring the sauce, water and pasta together.
- After two minutes or so, the pasta should look creamy and delicious. Season it with salt, pepper and chilli. Just dump in the things like the red onion and tomatoes, and the cauliflower if it’s not totally burnt. Remember, sometimes the best pasta is minimal.
- Serve out into bowls, don’t forget that extra bit of cracked pepper on top ;-) Bone Apple Teeth baby.