Jan 20 - Feb 18
While you lay in bed looking out the window, the moon will tell you that your next period will be extremely heavy as punishment for being you.
The duration of your menstrual bleeding: Five days, but they will be hell.
Feb 19 - Mar 20
Get in touch with your emotions this cycle. Get your palms read, read Michelle Obama’s book, and most importantly, put a crystal in your vagina.
The duration of your menstrual bleeding: Three days of light bleeding.
Mar 21 - Apr 19
You will find yourself craving period sex, regardless if you had the experience before. The moon wants what it wants. Lay a towel down and find someone who’s into it.
The duration of your menstrual bleeding: Six days, with two days off and on.
Apr 20 - May 20
Your period will come late, and you will go crazy. Did you have unprotected lockdown sex at any point? Go in a spa pool? Can a ghost impregnate you?
The duration of your menstrual bleeding: Two days, just as a sign.
May 21 - Jun 20
Your period is as irregular as your attendance to lectures. Not only will you have severe back pain, but the bloat will be pretty bad too. Stock up on pads, tampons, moon-cups, and stay in bed.
The duration of your menstrual bleeding: Non-stop for two months.
Jun 21 - Jul 22
Cope with your cycle by listening to Lewis Capaldi and drinking five litres of Milo. Lock the doors, turn the lights off and wrap yourself in your blanket. It’s gonna be a long week.
The duration of your menstrual bleeding: Exactly seven days.
Jul 23 - Aug 22
You’re on contraceptives and haven’t had your period for a while. You will also decide to not have your period this week, for convenience. Denim jeans are being worn this week, baby.
The duration of your menstrual bleeding: 0 days but you’ll still be bloated.
Aug 23 - Sep 22
Your organisation and perfectionism will be put to the test this week. Your period will be especially messy, leak through two pairs of good underwear a day, and have a ridiculous amount of clots.
The duration of your menstrual bleeding: Four long days.
Sep 23 - Oct 22
Good news! You’re pregnant. Bad news, no more white wine Wednesdays.
The duration of your menstrual bleeding: A whole child.
Oct 23 - Nov 21
Your heavy flow will leave you completely unphased as you continue your day with a heat pack strapped to your gut. A bad bitch slows down for no one, not even your eggs.
The duration of your menstrual bleeding: Six productive days.
Nov 22 - Dec 21
Your period won’t come this week, but don’t be alarmed. She’s gone on holiday. Perhaps to Bora Bora, or France. Either way, your uterus is unaffected by the pull of the moon.
The duration of your menstrual bleeding: Maybe next month.
Dec 22- Jan 19
Free bleed in your bed and save the hassle of putting in a cup or polluting with pads. Use those undies at the bottom of your drawer, lay out a towel, and put on your favourite show with seven seasons. It’s called self care.
The duration of your menstrual bleeding: 168 half hour episodes.